Sunday, July 21, 2013

This is How it Really Is... and It's Really Hard!

This is how life really is... and It's Really Hard!

My arms are so weak sometimes that they shake when I try to type. My head aches and feels so heavy that I can't hold it up. Sometimes my face feels so hot I'm sure I have a fever. Other times my limbs are so cold we have to use a blow dryer to warm them up. I sat in the bathtub yesterday and looked down and my hip was covered in a huge deep blue and red bruise. I have no idea when or how it happened. Now it hurts if its touched like I have a rash on my hip. If life allowed me to, I could sleep the entire day and into the night... and sadly I would probably still be tired.

My life is made up of a few days in a row where I suddenly feel well. I am strong enough to take care of myself - and my children - AND my house. And for these few days I am even able to take on a few of the hobbies and projects that I long to dabble in on a daily bases. And then just as suddenly as those few days come, they are gone. And my life is put at a stand still. My body can't find strength. Sometimes I am plagued with radiating pain. The latest are rounds of bowl problems that youngins' like me only hear about from their grandparents. ER visits. Hospital stays. Prescriptions. Side effects. Co-pays. Forms and Releases. Medical Histories. Lab work. And No clear Answers.

And amidst the waves of the storm created by my own body rides the precious lives of my husband and children. And that, is By Far the hardest pain of all!...  The neglect. The stress. The loss. The weakness. This is what causes my greatest heartache.

I have been through a lot in my life. Along with my illness the heaviest heartache has been the loss of my girls. And you know what, it is only now that I have heard the word "why?" sputter out of my heart and into my mind and now occasionally out of my mouth. Truly, there is absolutely no good that can really come from asking the Lord why He has chosen me for such trials. We all have trials and murmuring will only cause conflict and heartache because the clear answers are unavailable in this life.

But maybe... Maybe it's okay to ask Him why. "Why am I facing such a trial?" Why? When I have such good solid desires to be a good mother... Even a Great mother." Why am I not able to go for walks in the sunshine with my boys? Why can't I make homemade meals? Why can't I make them play dough and run through the sprinklers? Why can't I go to the park, a museum, and out for ice cream all in one day and still come home and make dinner and put the kids to bed? Why can't I stand at the sink and wash the dishes? There are so very many reasons right now that I ask the Lord WHY!!!??? WHY when all of my desires are for GOOD!!?? What is the catch!? What am I not getting? What lesson am I not learning??? How Long will this be our life?? Will my children REALLY be raised by a sick mother? This Can Not be happening!!??

Often I will end a post with an answer I have received. Or inspiration that has brightened my path. But tonight, this is just the way it is. And it is Hard. And it is Sad!

And then it continues...
We are living in my uncles house. We have lived here for two months and I just cleaned up the office and put all of the boxes and things away. And soon we will just need to pack everything up and move again. I can't even approach that thought right now....

We need to be able to move to Springfield by the first week of August. We HAVE to get the kids settled into their school. Caleb needs to go through some type of pre-kindergarten screening (whatever that means.) I need to know whether we'll be dealing with uniforms or new clothes. There's new student registration dates. Back to school nights. Meet the teachers nights. And on and on. WE NEED TO GET TO Springfield!! Why haven't we yet? I have either been too ill to go out and find a place or we haven't had the money. Mostly the money. But we have/will be blessed and I know we will find the right place. I just hope it will be in the right time.

My children are very hard to care for day in and day out. They are hard for a healthy person. So when I am sick, so much falls onto Leif, or doesn't get done. Again, this leads me to the question of WHY. And if not why, HOW? How are we supposed to help these children reach their best potential if I am struggling so much on my own? I know my story is not really unusual. This is life here on earth. Life on earth is never ideal circumstances, right? But WOW! Let's just say This Mother HATES Summer Break!! My children require school and they require their teachers. And I think that will soon be the answer to my question of HOW.

Somehow though, we keep going when life is so heavy, don't we? We go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day and that there are good things to come. And so, that is what I will do tonight. I will close my eyes and fall asleep with the hope of better days and good things to come. Good Night, Until Then!... Here's to Better Days!!
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