Quietly. Secretly. Very. Very. Broken.

I just took one of those silly online quizzes that "tell you" who you are according to your choices. Let's just say that this one was pretty spot on. I'm not talking about the fluff n stuff "you're lucky if she loves you" I mean the "silence means danger..." and "don't take advantage of her kindness..." and "because once you break her trust she's ready to walk away..."

Yeah, pretty much spot on. And so descriptive of how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm the lead in a silent film. Like life is happening. There's a story. But no sound. No dialog. And filmed with a sepia filter touched up with beautiful fall colors mingled in. 

In fact, I'm so tired and worn down that I can't even get myself to write out all that is happening and how I'm feeling. Especially, because I don't even feel the presence of a writing audience. No one to have a dialog with. No one to write to. At this moment anyway. ... years down the road someone might read this and wonder.  But not right now.

It's times like this when it's nice that very few people read my blog anymore. That I know of anyway. Because I can share some of my deeper thoughts for the record. But it won't be up for conversation in the moment. 

This weekend was General Conference. I love this weekend. My kids are respectful about watching Conference. And Leif had the weekend off. So all of that was HUGE in making it a successful experience. 

It was chaotic throughout every session. Between Joshua, Caleb, and puppies. It was far from reverent. But that wasn't surprising. But what was surprising was ME. My inner thoughts and feelings. 

Because I battle chemical imbalance and mental illness its often hard to determine what is truly coming from my heart and spirit or mental illness. Let alone clarifying what might be a prompting from the Holy Ghost. 

Gratefully, throughout the progression of sessions I found myself feeling better and better and genuinely feeling the spirit. But looking back, I had three reoccurring things that I processed through over and over and over. First, bitterness/disappointment. Second, fear/pleading that I wouldn't be tasked with facing a monumental loss/grief again. And third, concern and thoughts about my friends, the ...

It took a little while for me to figure out that I was feeling bitter. When we moved here I knew that we would get callings. I was somewhat expecting a calling that would stretch me. But I felt strongly that whatever calling I was given I would be given the strength to serve. From my experience also, whoever I am serving with becomes my circle of friends and network. So when I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service representative for our ward (which isn't a calling where you're set apart) I thought maybe I'd still be given a calling in addition to that. But I guess not. I completely understand why. I can barely keep this responsibility afloat. But I'm really disappointed. Mostly, because it means that I serve by myself and I don't really have a circle. I'm feeling Really lonely. And I think I'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone else's health and strength to serve. But honestly, these feelings just stem from my lack of effort to invite the Spirit into my daily life. 

The second reoccurring feeling I had this weekend was FEAR! Dread? PLEADING! Every time the topic of overcoming trials through the power of the Atonement came up I felt these feelings. I felt 100% sure knowledge that what they were teaching was true. From experience. But whether it's the Spirit preparing me, or mental illness inflicting me with anxiety and PTSD, the feelings are overwhelming. The thought of facing the physical and emotional trauma of loss and grief again; is terrifying!! I feel like I'm barely surviving right now. So the thought and possibilities brings back memories. And I feel like I'm screaming inside, pleading... 

When it comes to the .... ; I have no idea why they popped into my mind. I felt overwhelmed by the thoughts. It's totally bizarre when it happens. And at this point, it's REALLY frustrating. Because I have absolutely No Idea why my spirit has such a connection to them. I mean, I love them and have fond memories with them from my mission. But I have no idea why my spirit refuses to let them move into the background of my story like so many other dear friends I've had along the way. ... when these times come I find myself filled with thoughts and feelings and prayers. Most of the time I reach out. And only on a couple of occasions they have shared reasons why maybe I was prompted to pray for them. Otherwise, I actually think it wierds them out. Which I totally understand. 🤔🤷‍♀️ I have other people who I have this type of connection with. But the connection makes more sense and is somewhat more reciprocated. *sigh*. Again, it just shows that my mind and heart is feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. 

And then I forgot that Leif had to go back to work tonight. I'm feeling more and more that we need to get Leif working closer to home. I'm sick of the compartmentalizing that happens to survive this lifestyle. It's not healthy.