It's only a matter of time and technicalities before I get the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I'll be pretty surprised if I don't. For the last few days and nights the nerve pain in my teeth has been really bad!. We thought it was the cold I have. But that doesn't make sense with where the pain is. But I'm too weak to hold this and type. But the tremors in my abdomen have us scratching our heads inquisitive too. 

Quietly. Secretly. Very. Very. Broken.

I just took one of those silly online quizzes that "tell you" who you are according to your choices. Let's just say that this one was pretty spot on. I'm not talking about the fluff n stuff "you're lucky if she loves you" I mean the "silence means danger..." and "don't take advantage of her kindness..." and "because once you break her trust she's ready to walk away..."

Yeah, pretty much spot on. And so descriptive of how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm the lead in a silent film. Like life is happening. There's a story. But no sound. No dialog. And filmed with a sepia filter touched up with beautiful fall colors mingled in. 

In fact, I'm so tired and worn down that I can't even get myself to write out all that is happening and how I'm feeling. Especially, because I don't even feel the presence of a writing audience. No one to have a dialog with. No one to write to. At this moment anyway. ... years down the road someone might read this and wonder.  But not right now.

It's times like this when it's nice that very few people read my blog anymore. That I know of anyway. Because I can share some of my deeper thoughts for the record. But it won't be up for conversation in the moment. 

This weekend was General Conference. I love this weekend. My kids are respectful about watching Conference. And Leif had the weekend off. So all of that was HUGE in making it a successful experience. 

It was chaotic throughout every session. Between Joshua, Caleb, and puppies. It was far from reverent. But that wasn't surprising. But what was surprising was ME. My inner thoughts and feelings. 

Because I battle chemical imbalance and mental illness its often hard to determine what is truly coming from my heart and spirit or mental illness. Let alone clarifying what might be a prompting from the Holy Ghost. 

Gratefully, throughout the progression of sessions I found myself feeling better and better and genuinely feeling the spirit. But looking back, I had three reoccurring things that I processed through over and over and over. First, bitterness/disappointment. Second, fear/pleading that I wouldn't be tasked with facing a monumental loss/grief again. And third, concern and thoughts about my friends, the ...

It took a little while for me to figure out that I was feeling bitter. When we moved here I knew that we would get callings. I was somewhat expecting a calling that would stretch me. But I felt strongly that whatever calling I was given I would be given the strength to serve. From my experience also, whoever I am serving with becomes my circle of friends and network. So when I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service representative for our ward (which isn't a calling where you're set apart) I thought maybe I'd still be given a calling in addition to that. But I guess not. I completely understand why. I can barely keep this responsibility afloat. But I'm really disappointed. Mostly, because it means that I serve by myself and I don't really have a circle. I'm feeling Really lonely. And I think I'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone else's health and strength to serve. But honestly, these feelings just stem from my lack of effort to invite the Spirit into my daily life. 

The second reoccurring feeling I had this weekend was FEAR! Dread? PLEADING! Every time the topic of overcoming trials through the power of the Atonement came up I felt these feelings. I felt 100% sure knowledge that what they were teaching was true. From experience. But whether it's the Spirit preparing me, or mental illness inflicting me with anxiety and PTSD, the feelings are overwhelming. The thought of facing the physical and emotional trauma of loss and grief again; is terrifying!! I feel like I'm barely surviving right now. So the thought and possibilities brings back memories. And I feel like I'm screaming inside, pleading... 

When it comes to the .... ; I have no idea why they popped into my mind. I felt overwhelmed by the thoughts. It's totally bizarre when it happens. And at this point, it's REALLY frustrating. Because I have absolutely No Idea why my spirit has such a connection to them. I mean, I love them and have fond memories with them from my mission. But I have no idea why my spirit refuses to let them move into the background of my story like so many other dear friends I've had along the way. ... when these times come I find myself filled with thoughts and feelings and prayers. Most of the time I reach out. And only on a couple of occasions they have shared reasons why maybe I was prompted to pray for them. Otherwise, I actually think it wierds them out. Which I totally understand. 🤔🤷‍♀️ I have other people who I have this type of connection with. But the connection makes more sense and is somewhat more reciprocated. *sigh*. Again, it just shows that my mind and heart is feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. 

And then I forgot that Leif had to go back to work tonight. I'm feeling more and more that we need to get Leif working closer to home. I'm sick of the compartmentalizing that happens to survive this lifestyle. It's not healthy. 

Time To Ask For Help

Well, we've come to a point now in our new home in Auburn, CA that it's time to call in reinforcements. I battle chronic fatigue on a daily basis. But I also have an auto inflammatory disease called Behcet's. The Behcet's has been under control for over a year. But it flared up a couple of weeks ago. We had a nanny in our last home and I think that made all the difference. It's time to find help here in our new home.

Previously our nanny did a 50/50 amount of child care and cleaning. Currently, I think we don't need as much childcare as we need help keeping our house put together and clean. Very sadly, when I am extra sick I am only able to use my strength on giving quality time to my family. This means the house can get very messy, quickly. Even if the boys do their chores. 

I need someone to come over two or three times each week. The first couple of weeks will probably be more involved as there is build up of piles and things to be done. But as time goes on and a routine is followed it will probably become less involved and more of maintaining. As for particular duties; I need help with keeping the living areas organized, clean, and tidy. So the living room, kitchen/dining, all floors, and 1 &1/2 bathrooms. I definitely could use help with folding clean laundry too.

On a few occasions in the month we might ask our Helper to watch Joshua, our 4 year old, so we can go out. 

Whoever comes to help will need to be comfortable and confident enough to go about their duties along side the household and its happenings. Someone who is experienced and able to see what needs to be done and do it without being asked. 

This person will need to be understanding and not prone to judgment or criticism. Someone who understands that I am rationing my strength rather then being a lazy mother. 

I have been sick for my children's whole lives. So they are all accustomed to our lifestyle. Because of this, we are ALL incredibly grateful for any help at all that we get to keep things together. 

When it comes to days and hours, all of that is flexible. The best timeframe would be any times between 9AM and 4PM. We pay $20.00 per/hrs up to 10 hrs per/week. 

Any days other then Sunday are open. Leif works as a Contract Nurse Manager in San Leandro (by San Francisco) and is only home about 3 or 4 days out of the week. Which is another reason why help is so appreciated. 

If our House Helper is interested, we have extra projects that we need help with around the house. Such as helping the boys organize their new rooms and put things where they belong. All the way to Large projects that will most likely require a few people. Such as organizing the garage and taking Thrift items to the Thrift store. These pro

We don't have any pets of our own. But whoever helps us will need to be able to be around kittens, puppies, cats, and dogs, as we foster them for local rescues and often have a pen or two of babies. Our Helper won't be expected to help with their upkeep. But they are welcome to hold them and play if they want to. 

We will sign a work agreement with our Helper for a 3 month timeframe (the same length as Leif's contracts.) At the end of each contract we will all reevaluate how things are going and whether or not the agreement will continue.  We are able to pay our Helper through a Pay Roll company or Cash. Whatever they prefer. If after reading this you're interested in this position, let me know and we'll set up a home visit.

Always Remember: Revenge Is Unsatiable. Choose Justice.

Always Remember that Revenge is a thirst that can never be satisfied. Choose to allow Justice to fulfill the law of consequences. 

Always Remember: Love, Even Though

Always Remember  to Love those people you have relationships with, or come in contact with, Even Though... 

Love the person who eats the last treasured donut in the box, even though they are obese, and even though they live a sedentary lifestyle, and even though their behavior is self sabotage. Love The Even Though! 

Love the person even though they use their gifted money to buy cigarettes and drugs. Remember that HE Loves Them, Even Though...

It has been a Really great 5 days, going on 6. We picked up our first litter of Foster Puppies on Saturday. Then added one more on Monday. It has been so much work (expectedly). Sadly though, our time with them is coming to a unexpected close.😭 I woke up a handful of days ago with a little bit of body aches and an itch in the spot where I had shingles a couple of years ago. I've medicated and it has been pretty much forgotten up to this morning. I woke up with sores in my throat and then I got hives 😱🤔 Sooo, rather then separating siblings in order to lighten my foster load, I'm going to pause a bit to get things back on track. Huge Bummer!! But I'm confident that we'll get things squared away soon and be back to the babies again soon

I didn't mention this when I was asked a month ago. But I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service Rep for our ward. Fast forward to this moment....  ummm, I'm feeling speechless at the amount of needs we're currently surrounded by right now. Both on our door step, and then throughout the world. ... It will be interesting to see why I have been called to this right now... what roads I will be directed towards to lead and give service in....

#deepthoughts

Was it worth it?

Up to this point I've only allowed myself to feel the surface feelings. The shock and horror as I've watched the news show the fall of Afghanistan. 

But now I'm crying. I stopped and reached out to a friend. A veteran of the military. Someone who I sat with on the lawn of the Navy Training Center in Chicago on September 11, 2001 and the days following. My missionary companions and I were the only civilians allowed on to the base that day. It was a miracle. The first of many. Earlier we had walked the sidewalks of the base and God had literally led us to the location of each of our Sailors. We knew that all of their lives had just changed forever. So had ours. They were now facing war. Some of them would eventually change to a different branch of the military and be sent to the front of the action. That was only the first day.

I've lost touch with almost all of the hundreds of Sailors I knew and loved deeply. It's been 20 years since then.

Over those years on occasion I've been overwhelmed with the question of who may not have made it through the combat. And it was heart wrenching to wonder. Even worse was watching those I still know; come back broken and in so much pain. The pain of losing their buddies being the hardest of their pain. 

And now to watch these events. And have to confront the feeling again of the darkest of questions; was it worth the sacrifice?

I sit here and ask myself. Dig really deep. Trying to find the spiritual wisdom inside me. 

Yes. If I think back and picture each face of my sailors. And remember the feeling of honor, courage, and commitment (sorry for the cliche, guys) that they each radiated during those early days. I have to believe that they as individuals were ready and willing to make the sacrifice. ... but the pain that was left behind in their place. ... was it worth it? With this question, I can only do one thing. Fall back on my belief that some rewards aren't felt until after this life. I have to lean on the hope that comes in my faith in God. That He will judge our actions and choices here on earth, against our circumstances. And theirs against the sacrifice they made for their fellow men and women. And I believe their reward will be magnificent. 

But how do we face the future sacrifices, knowing that 20 years down the road they may be erased. My answer, The One. When I talk to my boys tonight about what's happening. I am going to teach them about the principle of "The One." When we go forth to serve, we must follow our Savior's example and focus on the one person we can serve. And do this again, and again, and again, as we serve. Because during this life on earth, there is a beginning and an end. And as we're seeing with Afghanistan, the end is not always pretty or validating. But if we focus on The One; the individuals who were protected and freed during the 20 years, then we can fathom the possibility that all the sacrifice was in deed worth it.

Alright guys, let's be real for a minute. So I'm in a furious hate battle with Autism/Anxiety and ADHD this morning.  As many of you know, our son Caleb battles against them every second of every minute of every day of his life.

Well, Caleb's old enough to go to the big summer camps with the guys from church now days. And we've been preparing for a four day camp for the last three weeks. "We," meaning me, Leif, the bishop, Jakob, and Caleb. Because of Caleb's battles we've had to plan everything down to the T. Where's he going to sleep? Will Jakob be with him? Can they get special permission for music at night? Which meds will we send? Who will administer them? Does he have enough of his "only" shirts? The only ones he'll wear. Does he need headphones? Maybe earplugs,instead? How about eye covers at night? No, that would freak him out more. Get new shoes so he has a worn out pair for the lake. So the others stay dry. Swimsuit. Re-string the swimsuit with a non-tying waistband he can tighten. Tying. Do we need to tell the leaders ahead of time that Caleb just can't figure out how to tie yet? No, Jakob can help if need be. ... poor Jakob.

Getting closer to GO day. "Mom, can I take the foam airplane?" No. "Whyx10". *Note to Everyone, hide Caleb's bow and arrow to avoid that potential fight.* "Mom, Can I take ...?" No. "Whyx10."

Twenty four hours before GO day. Time to pack everything up. Thank HEAVEN Leif is home!!! Jakob, you pack yourself, your way. Leif, you pack Caleb's non clothing items. I will gather all clothes. GO!!! *Enters Caleb.* He's pale, floppy, moaning, groaning, out of breath.  Honestly, nothing too out of the ordinary. Word on the downstairs street says that he had a terrible night which included screaming, lack of sleep, and sleeping in Jakobs room. Another somewhat normal night. Okay, Hydrate. Eat. Help out. Rest. Moan. Groan. Get on everyone's nerves. As usual. *poor guy!*
Continue packing until nap time. Time for the last load of laundry. Insist with a fight, that Caleb take off his last Only shirt. Give him a hug as I grab the shirt. WTHeck!!! 😱😱🤒 Caleb feels really warm.🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Temp check. OMGsh!!! He has a fever. You've got to be kidding!? Hope that it's a fluke and he'll still be able to go. Medicate. GO lay down. Two hours later. Caleb's cheerful and normal temp. They watch a movie. I finish packing. Four hours later. Bedtime. Caleb has the chills and aches.😥. Temp check. Fever's back. 😭😭😭 Explain that he can't go. No! It's not a consequence. It's just an illness so he can't go. Text Bishop and let him know. Tuck the boys in for bed.
6:00AM the next morning. Leif walks out of the bedroom to take Jakob to the church. Caleb literally wakes up the rest of the household by a blood curdling scream. Because Leif scared him while he was getting a yogurt out of the fridge.🤦‍♀️ Apparently he's ravenously hungry. He goes down to his room with the yogurt. I enter the scene and update with Leif. JJ yells from downstairs that Caleb "wants food brought to him."😱🤦‍♀️ Really!!?? Right Now!? As we're trying to get Jakob out the door!? I throw him a Slimfast drink. Hug Jakob big, say goodbye, and go back to bed. Leif and Jakob leave to the church.
Ten minutes later. Caleb screams for me from the kitchen. Twice. Sounding like a maniac and re-waking Joshua up. I realize that he's about to puke. I think to myself murderous thoughts as I run to the door to remind this thirteen year old to get to the toilet. I mean, why The He$% did he have to run up the stairs to tell me!? He was laying Next To the toilet down stairs. I open the door as Caleb leans over the toilet. Pretty much in a standing position. Puke spews all over the toilet seat. Over his arm. To the floor. And down into the air vent next to the toilet. All I can see is RED! My teeth are clenched so tight, I might break my fake teeth. I walk into my room and lock the door behind me. I'm So Angry!
Three minutes pass. Caleb screams out to me. Twice. I wonder if he's about to pass out. I go out. He's standing in the bathroom doorway with his arm up and dripping, crying that he needs a towel. I hold back a few words. Wrap some paper towels around his arm and demand he go take a shower.
I Hate neurological disorders that steal commonsense, household peace, and chew away at relationships. It's times like these when it's all a little too much.

Recap

Let's do a quick fun Photo Dump! We've tried to enjoy our time here in the valley while waiting for this next adventure of moving up into the hills. Our weeks go like this:

Papa's home = PLAY! Papa's back to work = Rest!

We took the boys to see the house today. I knew that we were facing an unavoidable "situation."  I knew that the boys were going to be faced with the realization that the house is much smaller then they thought it was. I know Exactly how they feel. Especially Jakob. Jakob was the only one who is feeling and now having to work through powerful guilt and disappointment. Guilt for feeling disappointed. And mad that we're faced with it and it's unfixable. It broke my heart to see him so disappointed. He didn't say anything. He's too kind hearted. But I pulled it out of him and assured him that we don't blame him and completely understand.  

Gratefully, I insisted that we all go out for dinner and ice cream after at Leatherbys. Jakob said he felt a lot better after that.💗 But we are still faced with a reality that will be hard sometimes. Our house will be too small again. And the yard is extremely complicated. It will be beautiful. But sadly, I don't think we'll be able to stay there long. The thought of another move is Frustrating. 

Tonight I feel SO BAD for taking Jakob out of Oceanview High. I pray desperately that we haven't made a mistake. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Congratulations to Caleb and JJ for finishing the school year with an Amazing attitude and never giving up during the endless schedule and life changes. We're So proud of you!!! Caleb finished 6th grade and JJ finished 4th grade.

We found a Fantastic ice cream parlor and indulged ourselves. We then found yet another creative and fun park to play in. After that we also drove through town looking at all of the historic buildings and exploring where we can go to enjoy the beauty of Folsom lake. It was a really enjoyable evening. 

So Much, And Nothing, Happening

There still is so much going on in our world. But these few days since Leif's been at work have felt really long and lethargic. I just couldn't get myself to work past the moment to moment. 

It's Saturday and the old primary song is ringing in my ears, " Saturday is a special day. It's the day we get ready for Sunday..." I'm Praying we can take that to heart today and get this appartment put together. 

I've realized that the post-moving is actually my nemesis. My adrenaline is shot. I'm exhausted. Yet, the job ahead is so much bigger then the one before. ... finding a place for everything. 

With this move we're not even in our house yet and I already know that we have too much stuff loaded in to storage waiting to come our way. We are trying to work out a plan to get rid of half of the stuff we have. It might come down to us going back to HB and sorting it out.

But even before that, we are still working on squaring away the mortgage. The latest little thing is Leif's job. He's a contractor. They're just now realizing this. So we're working things through with them. Hopefully everything just moves smoothly along.

I've been nervous that we're not going to love the location of our house and that it might feel smaller then we'd hoped. I know that seems like a selfish, first world problem. And it is. But I was REALLY hoping that this would be our last move for a long time. But... we'll just have to see.

Our new bishop reached out to us yesterday through Facebook. So that's Awesome!! A very good sign. We'll be able to go to the new Ward next week. This week we'll do Zoom.

I didn't call Joshua's doctor like I was supposed to. They've been waiting for our new insurance information. I feel really guilty about that. He's doing ok. But the heat when he goes out kicks his butt! He gets really tired and sore. He's started to be pretty dramatic about any tiny twinge of pain. So it's a little hard to tell what's drama and real. But it doesn't take me very long to figure it out.

This morning we get to watch Zachary, Heather's youngest, get baptized. Over Zoom. How cool is that!!?💗

Time to take a minute and share some of the random photos and fun we're having. This down time between moving in to our new home feels kind of like an extended vacation. Kind of. We could also classify it as living in limbo. But "vacation" sounds more fun. The little boys are out of school. Jakob is online for school. Leif is traveling back and forth to work still. But it's only Two hours vs. Seven that it used to be. We miss all of you in HB!! But we're enjoying our time exploring our new surroundings. There are lots of parks here.💗 It's been HOT but that doesn't stop my boys. Joshua and I aren't the biggest fans of heat though. But we're making it work. 😁 I'll post more and chat more on my blog so feel free to save the address. It's MamasThinkingCornerdotcom. 

So much happens in our life, every single day. Gratefully, Joshua is recovering to the point that I'm not afraid he's dying of cancer. Which was a real concern for a minute. But his blood doesn't show those signs. We're still waiting for more results. 

Leif's mom came to help us for a few days. It really was a relief and blessing to have her. Perfect timing! We squared away a temp appartment up north, Cali. So at least we have a destination in sight. Packing coming along. I'm realizing how much I'll miss my friends here. Saying goodbye so much isn't healthy. They're such Great ladies!! 2020 gyped us a whole year together. I think that's really sad!!!😥 

These last few days have been an Absolute Whirlwind!!! Last night drove from Huntington Beach to Folsom, CA. To our temp appartment. We had just finished two days of HIGH stress AND 8 hours of driving. It was 9:00PM. Leif had got us all settled in to our apartment and it was time for him to get back in his car and drive 2 more hours to his apartment so he could work in the morning 😱😱😱 He is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! The fact that he would even keep that commitment through to the very last second is astounding to me!!!  But I, looked at him and told him he was crazy. Actually, I think I may or may not of called him psycho. And a few more rude things, before I clarified. I was not worried about the kids and I or feeling abandoned. I was just literally shocked that he could wrap his head around not taking a day off after all that had just taken place.💗 I reminded him that the Miracle of it all, was that the Lord had prepared for this day months ago. Up until last week we actually didn't know that Leif had been collecting sick leave gradually throughout his contract. So last week they told him in passing that he had two days he could use. So fast forward, he was able to use a sick day and recoup today. I'm So Incredibly grateful for these Tender Mercies from Heaven.🙏

So FRIDAY was long and Exhausting!! But it couldn't have gone more smoothly. We had slept in a hotel (coincidentally the Same hotel we stayed in the days before moving in to our first Huntington Beach apartment.) So we woke up refreshed enough to go back to the house and finish loading the last stuff in to storage and into the van and Leifs car. It took three hours and by that point I was beyond frazzled!!! Thank you Father for Xanex, family prayer, and a comforting hug from Leif as we got on our way. A stop to drop off storage keys (Thanks Anita, the store for snacks, and returning our internet router and we were finally on our way. Before I knew it we were in LA traffic.  Thank Heavens for the car pool lane, my cellphone speaker phone connected with Leif, and the sturdy flag Leif had randomly hung in his car window that u used to determine which silver car was his out of the thousands of others on the road. 

We drove 8 hours and stopped twice. Everyone did really well. Poor Joshua though struggled. His body was Very Sore from being cooped in the carseat. Come to find out he had to poop too. Which he's really particular about how he goes about doing his business. So he was pretty miserable by the end. The high light was singing together in the car and Jakob letting JJ be the music DJ for a while. It was also SO NICE that Leif and I could chat and strategize together even though we were in different cars. 

As we drove in to Sacramento and then towards Folsom I was having flashbacks of Flagstaff AZ and Pleasanton CA. It was so green and filled with trees. Beautiful!  We are THRILLED with our apartment!! 

And now to tell about Wednesday. 

House Hunting

Leif was able to drive up to Northern Cali (Auburn, Carmichael, Cameron Park) and walk through several Beautiful homes today. We're Praying now that one of them will become ours if it's meant to be.🙏🙏🙏🙏

Hangin' In There

Joshua Is Sick. Autoimmune ?🤷‍♀️

So little man is home. Not in the hospital. He's been having strange intense dizziness, stomachaches, headaches, and body aches that have come and gone for the last two weeks. Two nights ago after 3 days of playing in the sunshine he started in with a low grade fever and it all intensified. I took him to his pediatrician. She ordered a huge list of blood work. They drew as much as they could for his little body without an IV to replenish.  She's thinking possibly rheumatoid arthritis/autoimmune brought on by the Mononucleosis virus had two months ago. But the nerve racking thing is this all started on a night that he had rolled down a really big hill at the park. So we have to rule out traumatic brain injury since I didn't see him rolling and may have missed something. The pediatrician told me to take him to the children's ER yesterday for a faster scan. After 5 hours of waiting in the ER. And absolutely ZERO testing, The very rude doctors came in to tell me they can't do MRIs from the ER. Unless their admitted (she didn't say that last part.) Because she didn't want me pushing for admission. But I did anyway. But she refused. It was utterly exhausting, frustrating, and PTSD triggering (a different story for a different time!!) So Monday we'll start the process of detective work on what's going on. Until then, Leif had InstaCart deliver yummy ice cream for Joshua and I to eat for dinner.💗💗💗

A Visit From Hendersons For River's Angel Birthday

We have just completed a Wonderful visit with the Hendersons. Karin brought the kids out our way for a visit. The visit happened to fall on the one year anniversary of River's passing; her "Angel Birthday."  On the last day of our visit we went to the pool in the morning. We were all sitting in the hot tub and suddenly a big Beautiful butterfly came flying around us and twirling in the air above. I immediately felt it was a reminder from River. River's baby brother called out, "River Loves Butterflies!!!"🦋 ... No coincidence. I feel bad I didn't get a picture. But I was just enjoying the moment. 

We had the most Incredible opportunity to go on a Whale Watching boat ride. We found a pod of dolphins.

Update

Just a quick update as I try to wake up and hit the ground running. Here's a few pictures to show that we're still having fun through all the crazy of life. 

Leif is still working in Travel Nurse Management in San Leandro. He travels back and forth to us 7 hours one way. He works 3 twelve and is home 4 days(ish) 1/2 of that is driving. He's definitely proved his love to us with all these miles. We cherish our time together. 💗

We are down to the final days before we close on the sale of our home here in Huntington Beach. We will be moving up to northern California. We have to be out by May 28th. No we have not finalized on a home up north yet. We are putting down an offer on a nice one this weekend. But the market is incredibly competitive and it will be in the Lord's hands and plan from there. We will stay in a vacation rental until we get a house.

My health is holding strong enough and I feel blessed with the strength to do what I need to do. Praise Be for that! All of the kids are finally back into school full time. Jakob is Amazing at pull vaulting in track and field. Caleb is doing well in middle school and his teacher's love him. He is also the president of his Deacons quorum at church. JJ loves working on the farm at school and is back to playing games in soccer. He's a great contributor to the team. Joshua is as cute and active as ever. He is doing Fantastic with his speech and physical therapy. We can't wait to get him a yard to play in.💗

Leif just left to go back to San Fran to work. Every time he goes back feels like I'm coming off of a high. The rest of the day I'm just in bed, vegging. I'm exhausted! And sad. But I totally keep a wall up and distract myself from thinking about that. Thank Heavens he is able to come back every few days. We've experienced worse. Weeks and months apart with no visits are a lot harder. But it's still hard!

Today we were going to get the house tidy before he left. Instead we ended up researching about a house we're interested in. It has SEVEN bedrooms!! It's in a totally different place then where we've been looking. But still drivable distance to work for Leif. It's in Marysville CA. Right next to Tuba City. 

I just sent a link of the house to my family. That was a mistake. I was not thinking straight. I was excited and wanted to share. Not thinking about how outrageous it seems to my family financially and all that the house has, a pool and basketball court. Let's just say I'm not getting a lot of constructive enthusiasm. So that's a bummer. But, what do ya do?🤷‍♀️ it's hard to understand how and why we stay in CA to our family's. Well, my mom actually just said she loves it! So there's that.😁💗

Ok I'm exhausted! Time to find some distraction. 

In May 2019 we brought home our first foster kitten. Since then we have fostered:

25 Kittens (3 passed away)

3 Mama Dogs

41 Puppies (2 passed away)

So during our time here in Southern California we fostered almost SEVENTY animals!!! What an INCREDIBLE two years!!! Thank you @wags @tobiessmalldogrescue @thelabellefoundation and @readings for blessing us with this Precious opportunity to Love!! I will miss working with all of you Amazing people!!

This Life Is Not It...

💗((((Yes! I know!!!)))💗  All of you with in the Road Dogs family have lost so many precious souls recently. 💗 I hope you don't mind me sharing from my heart for a moment some of my personal experiences and beliefs; as a mother, in 2006 I was hospitalized for months with a high risk twin pregnancy. Our identical twin daughters had a problem with their placenta. At 24 weeks gestation one of our daughters passed away. Her sister, Rhea, was still alive. Five days later I delivered them with an emergency c section. Rhea survived 9 days in the NICU. Her kidney's had not developed and we had to make the horrifying decision to take her off of life support and let her go. Fast forward 15 years. We now have 4 sons and I have a COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED spiritual calling to care for the frail and fragile animals of this earth. Sometimes it is through birth, and often I am called to escort them through the process of death. Both are incredible experiences! Through my journey as a mother who has known the greatest heartbreak and the brightest joy; and now as a foster mother experiencing the same; I have learned many profound lessons. The one I want to share right now is, it is all worth it! Every second of a life, whether seconds, hours, weeks, months, or years, it is worth it. And, it is enough!! We on this earth only have vision of of a grain of sand compared to the ocean of a life span. There is SOOO much more to life then this speck of sand here on earth. So very much more. As hard as it is to fathom, try not to get to weighed down by the ones who only get a short time on this earth. There's more incredible ocean out there for them then we can possibly imagine. 💗💗💗💗 Love to you!!! 

An Unexpected Gift

This weekend has been wearisome. If you know me really well, you have probably heard myself or my husband talk about a very unexpected and emotionally draining"calling?.. mission?.. gravitational pull towards?" We're not sure what to call it.🤔 Anyway, often times in my journey with caring for animals I end up caring for the fragile and dying. I in no way seek this out. It just seems that I am either helping animals enter the world, or finish their journey. This weekend, I have met a precious puppy who unfortunately is very ill. The rescue and I were expecting a puppy who was being Owner Surrendered because he has spina bifida. But otherwise we had been told he was stable. Sadly, as soon as I took him in my arms and heard him breathing, I knew he was very unwell. I rushed him to the vet. We were expecting a pneumonia diagnosis, and to be on our way. Sadly, it's not so. His problem is actually a congenital deformity of his trachea.😥  I'm not sure what the rest of his story will be. But it has left we deep in thought once again. Pondering this completely unexpected but undeniable connection I have with each of these souls whom I'm directly led to...  I will add more to this thought process and update you on his story. But for now this is a good start.

Soccer GAMES!

We started the soccer season not expecting to be playing games because of covid restrictions. Gratefully, they have changed and JJ played a game today. He did Fantastic! He scored 2 of the 4 goals. It was fun to be there!!

I need to go to sleep. Turn my brain off. But I'm dreading the effort it takes to get Joshua to bed too. And Jakob's still out to a football game. So I'll write.

There's WAY too much going on. I'm sad to feel the weight of having outside places to go again. My kiddos are thrilled! But I'm wearing down Fast. Having to go out half a dozen times in one day for me is way way way too much. I'm to my limit. With no change in sight. It will only get busier and harder. 

And my boys are driving me nuts! They act like they can't do anything. Just waiting for me to do everything. Laziness. It makes me so mad! Such good boys. But this is driving me crazy! 

Our realtor is a joke! I'm pretty sure she's flat out lieing to us that there's someone who wants the house. But we're tied into a contract with her.🤦‍♀️ I'm so annoyed by it all. Mostly because she says the person who wants to buy needs us out by mid May. So the stress is high. It's a long stupid story. But my instincts tell me her story isn't legit. 

The house is a disaster. So if she wants to show it I need to know ahead of time...

Meds Mistakes

Every once in a while I really screw up with my meds. Not as often as in times past. But vacations really tend to throw things off. 

I ran completely out of my Cymbalta. NOT a good idea. I'm Soooo sore and sick right now. But the silver lining is the reminder that this med works and is Critical to my wellbeing. So, there's that.😁

How do I create a relationship with God, the Father, that is deep enough that if He chooses to take one of my loved ones Home to Him before He takes me, I wont automatically be angry at God. Or be resentful? Because I pray very often to be spared another Grief Journey before I die. But there's no guarantee that it will be possible for Him to spare me from this... 

I'm so tired this morning, like every morning. I'm just waiting for my meds and vitamins to kick in. But I just realized that I forgot to take my Adrenal supplement and that I need to reorder my B Complex. Both make a HUGE difference on my energy/wellbeing. So I'll go get them. 

I'm going to send the big boys to church today with friends. Joshua and I will stay home. The thought of getting dressed up and going out was way too much today. I need one day without any outings. I'd go if Leif were home to help lighten the load a bit. He's home every other weekend. 

I'm really hoping to get myself to watch more of The Chosen series. It's a new series about Christ's life. It's really well done. But the adversary really tries to pull me away to other things. 

My arms are too weak to even hold up my phone right now. I'll write more later. 

Late Night Rambling Of The Nitty Gritty Behind The Scenes

My phone is dying. I wonder how much I'll get written??? Remember when I used to sit at a desk in front of a keyboard and screen. WOw! We've evolved. 

So I've taken my sleep aid meds. So I might get loopy. But I feel like jabbering about everything and nothing. 

Leif just started his second contract at San Leandro. He's enjoying it and they love him, of course. It's an ICU floor. So that's been interesting. He does a lot of CPR. Which he hadn't done as often. They call management into the Code Blues. I thought that was interesting.  

Audrey, our nanny, didn't extend her contract with us. She wanted to move on since we're moving.  Her help was invaluable these last few months. I wonder what it will be like without her. I might hire someone to come twice a week to help Joshua with his Physical Therapy practice. I wish so badly that I could just be a normal human and be able to handle all of the every day tasks. But I'm not. And I'm SOOOO GRATEFUL that Leif has worked so hard for us and made it possible to ask for trained help. So Grateful!

I look at our little family and "scratch my head" sometimes. Asking myself if it's normal for every member of the family to have a health issue or label? I know it's not. But I also know every family has their own journey. Ours just happens to have A LOT of health issues intertwined. 

Joshua's Neurologist finally diagnosed him with Cerebral Palsy.  She waited long enough. Grrr!! Gratefully, it's a very mild case. But if she would have named it two years ago he would has had PT for the last two years as well as speech.  ... but, whatever.  Leif asked me if I'm up for the journey of a lawsuit against Joshua's delivery doctors and pediatricians. It's funny how everyone else is JUST NOW getting to the point and conclusion that I was at 2 years ago. But, again,  whatever.  I'm just glad I now have company and support in my conclusion. So, yeah, if at all possible,  yes, I will fight for some retribution for the negligence that took place within the hours before, ... my phone died.

Sanity Savers

Moving AGAIN

Papa's Special Bubble's

 

The Traditional Drive to Wood Hill