Oh, So Beautiful!

This morning started with a bang. For real. Jakob led the boys into my room as the alarm went off and proceeded to pretend to shoot me with their latest Lego creation. I remember thinking "okay this moment can make or break our morning routine. Just smile, and say good morning."  So I smiled... and then it happened. The words slipped out so quickly I didn't even know they were on their way out. "That's great boys! ... Take it on up stairs so it doesn't get broke, K ..." - WHAM! -  The arm flew out of no where!  And the morning crumbled right along with the creative new Lego gun.  Forget the much needed baths. Forget the much needed clipped nails and underwear changes. Autism had entered the game and it had turned Nasty! Jakob was so beside himself with frustration and anger at everything and anything that I was sweating bullets wondering if I would even get him out the door for the bus. Once one kid falls out of sync they all seem to follow. It's a horrible nightmare. I relinquished all hope and plans for the morning except for the bare minimum (get dressed with shoes) and got them out the door with a few minutes to spare. I seriously thought about sending an email to their teachers to warn them ahead of time. Then I remembered that most of the time Jakob pulls himself together for school. Caleb seemed to be in a good place by the time he got out the door.  So I decided against the email. "NIGHTMARE" that was the word that played over and over in my mind for a few minutes after I got the boys out the door. I even went to Facebook to petition my Friends for more prayers to help me get through the already long day.

And then I looked out my window...  I wish I was an artist and I could paint the scenes that I have surrounding me on a daily basis. The sun was up just far enough to touch the blue of the night sky and turn it into a color all its own. It reminded me of a water color painting where the orange and yellow from the sunrise have blended into the blue sky and created serenity... And I was seeing it in person. How could I not step outside to take it all in?

JJ and I pulled on our boots and headed out for a walk. It didn't take Skit and Billy, our goats, long to call out their desire to join us on our walk. So soon the two of us became four. We walked along the path facing east towards the quickly rising sun. The sounds of chickens and Guinea hens calling out their latest finds off in the distance and the melody of meadow larks flitting from tree to tree above our heads. And then I heard the unexpected meows of our little kitties. I turned my head to look behind us and there was Mama, the Ranch Cat, and three of her kittens prancing along the path not five feet behind us. Once again I found myself in a little piece of heaven. Walking hand in hand with my baby, two goats, and hand full of farm cats, headed out to the rolling fields of green as far as the eye could see. Truly, I was experiencing a touch of Heaven!

I am so grateful for the blessing that we have been given to live here. I still struggle with my health and often with the everyday weight of training our boys up to be good men amidst their unique challenges. But Leif and I are sure that there has been improvement in my overall well being because we live here and are blessed with the opportunity to experience the rare chance to live on a homestead like this. It has been healing for me to care for the animals and their babies and to also watch my own babies grow and spread their wings in ways that they have never been able to do before.

I could not let this night end without sharing the beauty that Father has blessed us with at this time in our lives. Truly, it is oh, so Beautiful!

Take a Load Off

"This weekend was dedicated to me". Well, I told myself that anyway.  With this mentality I gave in to my entitlement mindset and some of my unbridled passions and I ate three different desserts filled with gluten, on three different occasions.  For those of you who don't know, I am severely gluten intolerant. I am also intolerant to eggs. Some of these desserts included eggs in their make-up.

With that said, I will tell you about who I turned into the past couple of days. Actually, I will spare you the details. Let's just picture Mama Hulk or maybe a Mama Jekyll and Hyde. Oh, it has been so very terrible and humiliating! Yesterday was the worst day that I have had for a very long time. My poor family!

The power went out last night. However, before that I had just left the kids room with a very firm "I am done with them!" to Leif. I followed up with,"if any of them wake or call out, YOU take care of it." NICE! From there, I promptly plopped myself in front of my computer and googled "can gluten intolerance cause rage?" Uh, yeah! I felt so heavy laden. That's the only way I can describe it. Just completely out of control and weighed down. And then the lights went out. Not just in my soul, the whole house was silent and dark. It felt very familiar and scary for a moment.

Leif actually had an appointment out of the house last night. So I was going to be alone in the dark with the kids. Luckily he was there to help me calm them when they woke up (their music and night light went out.) Heartless me told Jakob to close his eyes and go back to sleep. My loving husband, he went out and pulled up the solar light from the driveway and took it to their bedroom. Yes, I need to pay attention to his example.

"Ugg, now what!?" this was my thought as I plopped myself down on my bed too disgusted with myself to open up the scriptures to find solace. However, I was completely alone. That is a rare occurance. I decided to try something I had been reminded of lately, praying out loud. Well, I tried. But my mind was going faster then I could get the words out. So I just prayed. I prayed and prayed. Then when I found my words going in circles and I wasn't feeling much better. I decided to give thanks. I had heard somewhere that it helps when you're feeling down (wink, wink ;)  I knelt on my knees to my Father in Heaven and poured out my thanks for at least a half an hour. I found a lot to be grateful for. The miracle however was the weight loss. Truly!  When I finished my prayer, I felt like the load that I had been carrying had literally been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to think clearly and I felt peace.

Thank you Father, for helping me take a load off!

Mama's Wellness Check-up

I have thought about writing several times in the last week. Some of the times were about how good I was feeling and about all of the things that were contributing to the Goodness. Other times I could have written about how not good I was feeling and all of the reasons why. Instead, I just chose silence. Looking back, I should have celebrated the good. Not very much good in looking back though, except a lesson in not withholding gratitude.  I'll work on that next time.

This time, I'll just write.

My kitchen is clean tonight. The huge majority of my dishes are washed and some are waiting to be put away from my DISHWASHER! I SO Love that little contraption. I met my goals with homeschooling today. I went walking (Thank you Dear Walking Buddy!) I made dinner tonight. I bathed both little ones in my freshly cleaned sink (Thank you Love for the help!) I made time after bedtime routine to give Jakob extra snuggle time tonight (Thanks again Love for the little encouragement, and for cleaning up the yucky diaper accident on the floor.) My kitchen floor is vacuumed (thank you Jakob and Leif!) Summer plans and schedules are in the making, I feel good about them and I hope we can bring them all to a reality. Life Plans are in the making and I feel really good about them (Leif, you Amaze me!)

Weight Watchers is going well. I am loosing weight and gaining better habits! Cinnamon (1 gram per meal) seems to help my sweets craving Tremendously! Enzymes have been helping overall as well. Clarocet makes just enough noticeable difference to continue to take it. That's all I wanted from it. Karol Truman's book is very interesting and I believe much of what she says is very true. Some of it I feel able to apply, other things I might have to gradually implement as life progresses. However, I haven't finished her book yet. I wish I could fit more time in for reading all of the books that I have on my shelf at the moment. Oh well, step by step.

Many days I can feel the progress I have made. Many days I feel like I am still a mess. Most days are a combination of the two. So I continue on with hope of peace. Honestly, I just feel bad for my family. I know that I do a lot to teach them, love them, encourage them. But the moments when I do the absolute opposite of those things seem to be too often and they make a deep mark. Oh how I pray that somehow they will make it through without too much baggage on my account.  There you go, that's me being Brutally honest.

In a world where life isn't complicated or bogged down with responsibility, I think I would declare a "Mama Retreat." I would go somewhere for ten days. Somewhere beautiful and peaceful. I would bring Leif with me (If he wanted to come. I very much enjoy his company.) However, I would spend the whole morning and day by myself. I would write. In my minds eye I have created a therapy through writing plan. I would spend my days writing, working on my relationship with Jesus Christ, and napping. Then I would spend my evenings with my precious husband. Six to Ten Days... It would be a start anyway, right? It would be Heavenly!

Can Being Grateful Really Help Me? Yes! Here's How.

I need the blessings that come through expressing gratitude tonight. As I was pondering the subject of gratitude I came upon a wonderful article written by a LDS Psychologist. He talks about how and why expressing gratitude can in a very real way ease the burden (physical, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) of Depression and/or Anxiety.  The Article is titled The Value of Experiencing and Expressing Gratitude, BY VAUGHN E. WORTHEN, PH.D.  Associate Director, Counseling and Career Center, Brigham Young University

" Current case studies and research show that cultivating and practicing gratitude can reduce symptoms in cases of mild to moderate depression and anxiety. Practicing gratitude can also lead to increases in optimism, vitality, happiness, a sense of well-being, and a greater satisfaction with life. ⁴ Grateful people tend to generate more positive memories, reminding them of the good in their lives. ⁵ Those with higher levels of gratitude are viewed as more empathetic and supportive, more forgiving, and more likely to assist others. ⁶ Grateful people also report feeling less envious and more generous with their possessions. They thus enjoy better quality relationships. ⁷

Gratitude also helps in coping with adversity. Those who practice it in times of adversity are more likely to seek and find a “silver lining” in their experiences. ⁸ Finally, those who try to feel greater levels of gratitude report fewer physical complaints, more time spent in physical exercise, and better sleep duration and quality." 

 Yes, I need these blessings tonight!

GRATITUDE . . . 

I love the Blue Sky and the Sunshine! I love that Caleb's word for Outside is "Sun." I too Love the Sun/Son! I am so grateful for the ability to go walking again. For the strength to get out the door. For the weather that invites us out, for the friend who is motivated with me. Thank You Father for this!

I am so glad that I can count on the many fruits and vegetables available to me not to cause me uncomfortable side effects from eating them. I am so so glad that my children appreciate and are excited about eating an orange a banana or a salad. Thanks You For This!

I am so very very grateful that the house is quiet at the moment. The children are asleep and ahhh, I can regroup. Peace and Quiet. Thank You For This!

Thank You Father for inspiring us to make the small sacrifice for a comfortable mattress. Oh how it helps during times like this. Thank You For This!

And Thank You Dear Father for pain and confusion. For it only brings me unto thee. Thank You Dear Father For THIS!  

Heartfelt Gratitude

• Tonight I am so very grateful for good sleep! Last night I went to bed when JJ (my 8 mo. old) did. I PRAYED that he would sleep through the night. But I also prayed that all would be according to His Will and that I would be given the strength to follow His plan. JJ didn't sleep through the night. But I woke up feeling rested because I had enough hours of sleep behind me.  Today I took a nap. I woke up and literally took 30 second to register what day it was, what time it was, and if/what/who I was missing at the moment because of the comatose nap I had just experienced. Ahhh, but it was good! And all was well.

• I would also like to share my extreme gratitude for the talented and generous people who share their creativity with the world on Sugardoodle.net.  They are a blessing in my life as I try to find creative ways to share the gospel with my family. Thank You! 

• Tonight I am grateful for my wonderful husband and his talents. He sang The Impossible Dream tonight for our Ward/Neighborhood Music Festival. It was so neat to hear him sing with his rich baritone voice. And the words of the song are so touching. Loved It! Thanks My Love!

• And finally tonight before I plunge back in to dream land, I am thankful for good friends who bring me strength. I love to visit and share life's journey with all of you. Keep Going dear Sisters! Together with Him, we Can Not fall! 

Gratitude

Tonight marks the beginning of an on-going journey. Join me as I journey through Gratitude. I will share my thanks in these posts as well as any new insight that I might glean along the way. I hope you will take a moment to share your feelings and thoughts as we go as well.

"How can we cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude? President Joseph F. Smith, sixth President of the Church, provided an answer. Said he: “The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!” 

President Smith is telling us that a prayerful life is the key to possessing gratitude.

^{Do material possessions make us happy and grateful? Perhaps momentarily. However, those things which provide deep and lasting happiness and gratitude are the things which money cannot buy: our families, the gospel, good friends, our health, our abilities, the love we receive from those around us. Unfortunately, these are some of the things we allow ourselves to take for granted." - President Thomas S. Monson}  
May we ever be grateful! Let me share a bit of my gratitude tonight:

• Oh how grateful I am for the warmth and serenity I feel within my home. It is my comfort zone and my refuge.
• Words can not express my gratitude for my precious companion. His very presence calms my soul.
• There are times that it is okay to be grateful for "things." This is one of them: I am SO grateful for my dishwasher! So very!

What are YOU grateful for Right Now!? Share the Love by making a comment!