A Challenge To Re-find and Refine Your Spiritual Gifts

Tonight, I spoke to you dear sisters about your special spiritual gifts and propensities. Sisters, I urge you, with all the hope of my heart, to pray to understand your spiritual gifts—to cultivate, use, and expand them, even more than you ever have. You will change the world as you do so.

As a starting place, I extended a prophetic plea to you to shape the future by helping to gather scattered Israel with four invitations. This gathering is the greatest challenge, the greatest cause, and the greatest work on earth today!

My dear sisters, we need you! We need your strength, your conversion, your conviction, your ability to lead, your wisdom, and your voices. We simply cannot gather Israel without you.

President Russel M. Nelson

I wonder if Facebook or Instagram "feels it" when President Nelson, Prophet and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints challenges all of the youth and then all of the women of the church to partake in a "Social Media Fast"? :)  I'll bet they do!! :) I sure have!!

President Nelson spoke in the General Women's Conference meeting Sunday night. During his talk he challenged the women to pull away from social media for ten days and spend the new found time focusing on revisiting and exercising our "spiritual gifts."  Within the hour after the closing prayer suddenly all of my Friends were "signing off."  I knew something important had taken place.

I hadn't been watching the Women's Conference because our internet had gotten bad. But you better believe I climbed back on and listened to what he had said.  I was touched by is message for sure!! I feel that I have been prepared for this for months. Just not quite able to make the leap and sacrifice. Honestly, my vice is Netflix and Binging on shows. ;)  So when he said to pull away from any media that wasn't helping us reach towards our potential, you better believe that's when I felt the pang and heard the hypothetical snapping fingers (DARN!!) And Leif's Snicker as he said "Your Netfilx!" I mean come on, Greys Anatomy is So Uplifting and Insightful for my spiritual growth!! NOT!! LOL! LOL! (eye roll!)

Sooo, here I am. Two days in, and I'm blogging and surviving. :) A little lonely for my outside world of friends and ongoing dialogue throughout the day. But I am grateful for the chance to go back in time about 8 years and reflect on how I am and WHO I am after being sucked into the vast and all consuming world of the internet. Its pretty profound. I have to say. I'm Thrilled to have this chance to make time to truly write again. Long, lengthy, pondering's. Where I puke out my whole life story onto the page. Instead of a little blurb here and there with a picture. The problem is, no one will be able to take the time to read all my ramblings anymore. LOL!  We've all lost the ability to just sit and read... and read... and read...to the end. I guess that's not all bad. I'll remember to hold back the real deep personal things I want recorded for posterity to the end of my posts. Knowing that they won't be read about as much. ;) Just Kidding.

My next goals are to seriously take time to read the scriptures every day. My own personal study time. Something I haven't done in Way Too Long!!

So, in the end, there is Absolutely Nothing wrong with the challenge that our prophet has issued. I know that it is from the Lord and if we take the extra time and use it to grow closer to Christ, we will be blessed with a reminder of our Grand Potential as Daughter's of a King!

Feeling So Blessed!

I have still been incredibly tired and not feeling well this week. But I can't help but see many blessings every day and on the horizon. I have been able to take my Little's (Caleb and JJ) to the library and to run a few errands. I have also had two days in a row where Caleb has agreed to nap, which means I have been able to nap. These little things feel very big right now.

Leif also found out that there will be enough Federal Student Aid offered to him this Fall and Spring to cover his tuition! We weren't sure if there would be any offered to him. So this is a huge blessing.

Perhaps the biggest blessing to surface for me personally is actually something that I can't discuss right now on my blog because it has to do with someone else. But let's just say my year without Leif has just become a lot less lonely and overwhelming. Thank you Dear Father!

Thinking About the Future

I found the above quote on google and I could relate...

Someone told me today not to stress about Leif's one year absence from the family until it is here. In fact, I've heard it a few times. And every time it is said, the person advising me is right. I shouldn't stress about things that I fear will happen, but might not... But I still do. Every day is different. Some days it's just a passing thought here and there. Some days are terrible and I can't think of anything else. Some nights I crawl in bed and it's not on my mind. Other nights I soak Leif's shoulder with tears.

My biggest fears stem from my concerns about being alone during the Summer break with all of the kids at home.

We have also just finished up with a really hard week at the public school (more on that subject later) so I couldn't but but battle an internal struggle about home schooling next year. 

There is a lot to write about and, think through. But this is good enough for now. G'Night All!

Moving Forward Behind the Scenes

I haven't written much lately about life behind the scenes. You've probably gathered that Leif and I kinda like each other from the last two posts;)  But other then that, I'll take a minute and ramble about life and it's vicissitudes.

LEIF
We're anxiously awaiting a letter from NAU letting us know our future (Nursing program this year or not.) We should know by mid March at the latest and next week at the earliest. Until then we're sitting on our tax return until we know whether it will go to a mini van or tuition.  Ahhh, the joys!

The Day Spa has been slow during the winter which is a major bummer! It makes us even more grateful that Leif is an EMT and is able to earn some money by helping those in need.

LENA
I've struggled for the last while with more fatigue then I've had in a long time. That's another reason I haven't written. I've basically kept things afloat and read. I finally went in to the doctor and overwhelmed him once again with all of my health frustrations. Along with taking a bunch of blood tests (as usual)  he gave me a medicine to help my energy level and food cravings. If you know me at all you know that I've tried the lifestyle of "All Natural" with no medications and I've tried medications when needed. Well, I'm convinced once again that some medications were invented just for me, and I am eternally grateful for them!  Last week I switched from Paxil to Lexapro and I think I like the difference. I take Ambien to help me sleep during the week that "aunt flow" visits (dang insomnia!) and now I take Phentermine once or twice a day depending on the need. Phentermine has brought me back to life and I only had a tiny square of a surprise Amberlyn chocolate bar tonight from Leif and I was content to leave the rest for another time (a MIRACLE!)  I pray that it continues to help me as time goes on!!

I know that most of you don't care at all what meds I take. But I never know who's reading my blog and if what's going on in my life just might be the answer to someone's prayers. So bear with me.

JAKOB
Jakob is doing really well at school! I'm so glad. He's progressed leaps and bounds with his reading and I am sooo pleased! There have been so many good reasons for putting him into school. I'm really glad we did. He has a few issues going on during recess with a few kids. But hopefully we can all work it out, or even better, he will work it out. I'm trying really hard to stand back and let him grow and take care of himself without interfering or ignoring too much. It's a delicate balance.

Jakob asked to bear his testimony during Fast and Testimony meeting this past week. He didn't want to say anything. He just wanted to read his favorite scripture. It was a Priceless moment. His favorite scripture fits him so well it's one of those "meant to be" things. The scripture is 1 Nephi 17:15 "Wherefore, I, Nephi did strive to keep the commandments of the Lord, and I did exhort my brethren to faithfulness and diligence."  Simple, but so like my Jakob.

CALEB
Oh my sweet precious Caleb! If you know Caleb at all right now you know that he loves to give hugs and he wears his emotions on his sleeve (just like his Mama.) It is a common thing to hear Caleb tell you that he loves you. It is also common to hear him say that he doesn't like JJ or his kitty. He will tell you if he's afraid. And you will know if he is Mad! We are working on helping him with his temper. He can clear a table with his arm before you know what's happening. Then he will run somewhere to be alone. We're trying to help him skip the destruction/aggression part and move right to the moment alone part. So fun... Not!

Caleb's doing really well with potty training. I am so so grateful that it has never been a fight, so grateful! Caleb has also progressed drastically with his speech! We are thrilled. It was determined that he does need speech therapy but he was only on the lower end of the average range. So that was comforting. We went through hours of testing with him. Luckily it was more like hours of games with him. So he handled it well. It was most beneficial for Leif and I because it helped us see all of his many strengths and how they outweigh his weaknesses. We're really grateful for the help that we were given with him.

When Jakob was three+ years old he insisted on being rocked before bed (by Mama.) Caleb suddenly started doing the same thing. I admit that it's a sweet moment together right before bed. Even if I am Exhausted! Tonight he wanted to sing the ABC's as I held him. So Sweet!

J.J. 
Ahh My JJ. He's growing up SO FAST! Faster then any of my other kids. Having two older brothers to keep up with will do that. Luckily for me this past month JJ's hit a snuggling stage. He'll often come to me when I'm reading, or at the computer, or anywhere really, and lay his head up against my knee and snuggle me. Of course then I will pick him up and give him loves. Who could resist!?

JJ Loves to sing!! He loves to sing with Leif. He has since he was very young. This Sunday we had people looking back at us during Sacrament meeting because JJ was babbling right along to the Hymns in full voice. It's amazing!

So far JJ says with understanding: Papa, bye-bye, please (peas), thank you (tank you), ba ba (drink), and MMM (food). He shakes his head no and yes and he is a GIANT tease, to a fault! If I say no, he will race to finish doing what he's not supposed to. If I say come, he will run away. He loves to tease his brothers as well. Lovely!  But oh his laugh is like music to my ears! And he loves to laugh!!

My precious family! All I need to do is write an update like this every once in a while to reflect and remember all that I have been blessed with. So very blessed!

True Enduring Love

I had never been loved by a man before Leif walked into my life and quite literally rescued me from a whirlwind of confusion and unmet love.

Looking back I am in awe at how Father in Heaven knows our life's plan so intricately. He was easing Leif into my life long before I even took notice. Helping me gain just enough trust and attraction to him to give me the courage to call him. Looking back I remember sitting next to him in Sacrament meeting and feeling so safe, so at home. That feeling only grew as we fell in love. Eventually it was a tangible warmth that filled my soul. Just to be with him. Leif was the life breath to my heart. So long my heart  had been still that I learned to live without it. When he walked into my life the wall around my very being crumbled allowing him entrance. As if it knew he was finally home and there was no need to protect. I will never be able to express the miracle his love worked upon my soul. As I write, the tears fall down my cheeks with a deep understanding of the gift he is to me.

When we were dating Leif loaned me a book. I don't remember the door that it unlocked within my heart but I remember sobbing as I read. Leif walked in while I was crying and he scooped me up into his strong and healing arms. I will never forget the feeling of peace that surrounded me during that moment. Warmth, love, healing, Christ like peace. I knew he was who Father had saved for me. He was the man I dared not dream about. One with perfect acceptance. To feel such peace was intoxicating for me. I had never in my entire life felt the healing that Leif brought. Just by being him. He still renews my soul when he enters the home. There is just something about him that completes me.

I am grateful that Leif has never felt so desolate as I have felt. I think my need for him has been somewhat baffling for him throughout the years.  As our life has progressed and the good the bad and the ugly have entered onto the stage, there are dark nights when I cry to him in frustration because I feel that he could go on with his life without me. He assures me in his faith-filled way that we shouldn't worry about the possible days ahead of separation. He tells me that he will miss me very much. But the struggle comes when I can't feel his words any more then he can feel the ache within my soul. There is something there. Something personal within us that is ours alone to work through. Love can only heal so much before it is Christ's love that is required to make up the rest.

Yesterday Leif came home from work with dinner, dessert, and flowers. Need I ask for any more proof of his love? Why then, do I? The night before last, Leif worked with the boys and unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it. And that was only one of the many many things he had done that day. Need I ask for any more proof of his love? Why then, do I?  This morning Leif made pancakes for us after he had taken Jakob to school. Need I ask for any more proof of his love? Why then, do I?  I am not left cold and alone within our cozy bedroom at night... Need I ask for any more proof of his love? Why then, do I? 


Why do I expect Leif to read my mind? Why do I compare our life to that of a fictional novel? Why am I  tempted to always want more. Why?

The answer is simple. Someone hates this gift that we have been given. Someone wants to destroy this eternal love that I have been given. The Adversary hates our love! It is I who needs to take on this fight. And fight I will!  True enduring love is ever changing.  Sometimes it is a tangible warmth within the soul. Sometimes it is a giving of your all for the other. Sometimes it is a belief that it will get better and a fight to win it back. Just as the seasons change with the warmth of the sun and the chill of the winds so it is with a true enduring love. Always look for the sun within the season. For it is the Son who endureth in all things.

Just a Little Break

Well, I broke my back yesterday. Got your attention!? I thought so:) Well, I really did fracture a vertebrae in my back yesterday, can you believe that!? Yep! JJ was falling down a little hill when we were playing at a friend's house and Grace here, wasn't so graceful and I fell right on my rear as I tried to rescue him. I have Osteopenia  in my lower back and so when my back gradually started to throb more and more I decided to go get an X-ray. Sure enough a small fracture. It's not is a place that will cause pain. But it's an interesting thought to know that you have a fracture in your back. Lovely! Just wanted to share For the Record. All is well! I'll take more calcium :)

Anemia: Not a Welcomed Guest!

If you've followed my blog lately you may have noticed that my posts have declined in frequency and enthusiasm. I have been really sick and down for several weeks now and I HATE it! Then my baby started acting just like me, and I Hate that! I was at my wits end yesterday. Really. I was pretty close to running away with my kids to MO where my parents could entertain my kids and I could try to sit back and collect myself. I still might do that. But yesterday I finally found a light at the end of my current tunnel. I took the little boys to our WIC appointment and they tested JJ's blood for his iron levels. He was two points below the average level of iron needed for a one year old. I was surprised because he's been drinking formula which is iron fortified. But I wasn't surprised because he's shown the classic Anemia symptoms and I just hadn't put two and two together. I then asked her to test my blood. I was one point below average. I had been wondering, but just hadn't payed attention. Duh!

Anemia isn't something to ignore! People think that because it's a common problem, it's not a big concern. But in reality, it can become a major problem. And it doesn't just take a couple of iron pills to solve the problem. It takes time and follow through. I just feel bad that I didn't know sooner. And I wonder why JJ has Anemia. I won't worry too much about why unless he still has problems in November when I take him to be tested again (or sooner at the Dr.) My Anemia stems from my damaged intestines from Gluten Intolerance and heavy periods.

I thought I'd share our symptoms and what I use to boost our iron levels.

My Symptoms:                                                JJ's Symptoms (1 Year Old):
Fatigue                                                               Unusual ongoing fussiness
Overall lethargic feeling                                       Sudden change in napping hours (could nap for 5-6 hrs)
Depression                                                         Pale skin
Rage episodes                                                    Weak immune system (constant illness)                                     
Chest pains                                                         Lack of appetite                                             
Aching calf muscles and Achilles tendons
Muscle weakness and aches
Weak immune system (constant illness)

What can happen if we don't increase our iron?
"Most cases of anemia are mild, including those that occur as a result of chronic disease. Nevertheless, even mild anemia can reduce oxygen transport in the blood, causing fatigue and a diminished physical capacity. Because a reduction in red blood cells decreases the ability to absorb oxygen from the lungs, serious problems can occur in prolonged and severe anemia that is not treated. Anemia can lead to secondary organ dysfunction or damage, including heart arrhythmia and heart failure."


"In children, severe anemia can impair growth and motor and mental development. Children may exhibit a shortened attention span and decreased alertness. Children with severe iron-deficiency anemia may also have an increased risk for stroke." - University of Maryland 

This is what I use as an Iron supplement. It works!! 

Flora Floradix Floravital Iron and Herb

Forgive Me As I Complain

I have been sick for going on two weeks. I am so sick of being sick! If it's not one thing, it's another. Right now my nose is running a river and my head is so congested my eyes just might pop out. Lovely picture, I know.

August is here. We all know school starts in August. Uhhh, excuse me, WHAT HAPPEN TO MY SUMMER FUN!!!!??? This has been the most boring, movie-filled, summer that I can remember in years! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Jakob said the most profound and terrible thing to me tonight. I had just put Caleb in time-out for the 100th time today for deliberately disobeying me and I must have had steam coming out of my ears. Because Jakob said, in a very adult voice, "I just don't know how you put up with all of this! You look like you just don't want to be here any more." I thought, "uhh, yeah, you got that right!" However, he went on to say "You know because heaven is so much fun and so peaceful..." I just stared at him in shock. My jaw just may have dropped open. I did manage to get over the choking sensation in my throat and explain to him that though a nice little outing out of the house for a while sounded delightful, I had no desire to die and leave all of my family behind. My poor little boy... He did offer to create Disney Land inside my living room. I assured him that I was fine and what I really needed was my boys to obey me the first time I asked them to do something. He agreed and  was very helpful the rest of the night. Caleb was agreeable as well. But, Uugg! The thought that my son thought I would be happier away from them. That is really disturbing to me.

I'm just bummed tonight. Here I am sick as a dog, and you know what I've been craving ALL DAY LONG!? Peanut Butter Panic Ice Cream. Seriously!? Can't I just go for an orange juice and some chicken broth? I wish I could get my brain to value my health as much as my heart does. Stupid!

Well, I managed to pass the two tests that I just finished up tonight. And I got a new book in the mail that I've been looking forward to. The boys are Finally asleep. And I really need to wrap up this session of Woe is Me! All will be well in the morning. Well, at least for the next hour or so for sure. G-Night!

A Good Day!

Today was a good day. Just one of those days where I woke up a little bit earlier than usual (on my own without a child screaming.) I was able to read the scriptures for a minute (always a nice thing.) And things never really went down hill from there. I was able to catch up with a few family members while doing laundry. I didn't fall apart at the fact that the house isn't perfectly clean. Leif took Caleb with him while he ran errands and JJ napped.  This gave me the time to finish a paper for my class.

I also had the chance to work some more on my plans for home school. I found an excellent website that lists age appropriate books for the different subjects that we need/want to cover throughout the year. It is AWESOME! It's www.The-Best-Childrens-Books.org It's gotten me really excited for the upcoming year. I feel a lot more confident in what we will be covering.

Leif and I went and set up the Day Spa that he's starting in Kanab, Desert Springs Day Spa. It was nice to get things cleaned up and organized. I think it will turn out great! I'm really excited and so is Leif.

We closed the day by weeding in the garden. It was so pleasant outside. The air smelled like rain and the wind was rustling the trees just enough to notice. The clouds were rolling around as a storm was brewing. And it was so cool with the gentle breeze. Perfect!

Process of Elimination: Allergy Elimination Diet

I've decided to do one more thing that I can do about the food intolerances and allergies that are invading my life. I've heard about Elimination Diets and Rotation Diets. But they all seemed toocomplicated and time consuming for me. So I created my own personal plan.

Because many of my symptoms are appearing within the three hours after eating I decided to break my day up into three hour segments, only eat one single food item at a time, and document the reaction or non-reaction on a scale of 0-5 and written details if needed. I also have a scale that shows weight, body fat, muscle, water, etc. I keep a record of that to help me see any flux with that.

Every day I eat a Fruit, Vegetable, Nut/Seed, Grain/Bean, and a Meat. All of the foods are plain. No added seasonings except a dash of salt. This has been very interesting! So far my reactions has shown face with peppers, bananas, and really bad with peanuts. Interesting!! I should have a lot of good information to go on in about 2 weeks time.

If you're interested in the menu calendar and the list of foods I'm using. Make a comment on this post and I'll get an email. Make sure there will be a way to get in touch with you.

Feeling Better

I had a rough week. But I'm feeling a lot better. I should be sleeping right now. But we just watched the action packed movie SALT and my mind and body need some time to unwind.

So school is going well. I'm happy so far with my grades and I love all that I'm studying and learning. I've passed the biggest exams with acceptable grades. So far, so good.

I wrote a lot of papers last week. I can't even keep the two classes straight and their assignments. The content is so similar, yet just different enough to keep things interesting. But I have written a lot and that's always fun.

It was nice to clean my house today. Nice to just take the time to start in one corner and work my way out. Putting everything away as I went. Leif helped so much today. So So much! I don't think I even thanked him. But I was. And I still am...

I'm getting sleepy, can ya tell? I'll end this good day. G' Night all!

On a More Personal Note

I've been wanting/not wanting to write lately. Just a note on my personal realities. Something's held me back. Not sure what. But anyway, here it is, like it is.

My last wellness post was chipper and filled with great success. Uh, yeah, don't challenge things by celebrating too loudly. Bummer, but true!

So what's the story?

Well, almost everything I eat sets off an allergic reaction (hive like symptoms). Seriously, almost everything. And this has moved me closer to a depressive frustrated state of being. It's no good! Friday I'll go to the doctors and get a bunch of tests run (I'm assuming.) Then I'll start taking antidepressants again. Eventually, (hopefully sooner then later) I will have a GI scope done. And then I will meet with the ENT and talk about the possibility of taking out my tonsils and adenoids.

In the meantime, we all have sinus infections and I have a lot of homework to do this week. My load lightens up a lot starting next week. I'm really enjoying my classes. That helps a lot when I have big papers due. Leif is AMAZING! I know he's wondering who stole his wife and left the bear in her place. But he's handling things well and I am eternally grateful for his patience and love! We have a lot on our plates. I haven't even mentioned the stresses Leif is facing right now. Let me do that for the record.

We found out on Leif's birthday that the Nursing school that Leif was going to go to has put a hold on their program. That puts a huge kink in our plans. In the meantime he will:

• Apply for the Masters of Health Administration program at NAU and pray that they will accept him. 
• Update his massage therapy licence.
• Sign up for the next CNA classes. 

-This is us rolling in, and out, with the tide.- 

Follow up and An Interesting Insight

I just want to follow up on this morning's post. Today was a great day. The afternoon and evening have been intense. But overall, it has been a good day and I continued to feel the peace that I felt upon waking in the morning.

This afternoon I planned out my schedule and strategy for the next 4 weeks of my new classes. It's funny how quickly we can forget how insane the schedule can become with some classes. Especially accelerated classes. Hold On for Dear Life! That's what I'll be doing for the next several weeks. Good thing I'm looking forward to the content of the class, huh!?

Now I'll move on to the "Interesting Insight" part of this post. Now, I need to put a warning here: Sensitive Feelings Ahead! Okay.:)
Well, this is the last week of our Home School year. To close the year I found a great website called MindSprinting that provides free Assessment testing online. Once the child takes the test the company tells you what grade level your child is at and what they need to do to reach their grade level or above.

So I took the math test tonight for an adult. I didn't sit down with scratch paper and pencil or a calculator. So I was a little lazy. But overall, I'm confident that the results are mostly accurate. Now, I knew that I was incredibly mathematically challenged. You think I'm just saying that with a little snicker, uh no, I am REALLY challenged. But I have never found a way to find out just HOW challenged I am, until tonight. Folks, you are looking at a University Student with a Second Grade math level. True Blue! Hence, why I haven't taken a single college math class. However, my college GPA is a 3.8.

So, now I ask the question: How in THE WORLD did I pass the second grade? Uh, fifth grade? Middle School? I know why I graduated High School (through the mercy of one teacher. She saved my future!) And perhaps, that's exactly what every other teacher was doing. Preserving my future. If I would have been held back at all, I would not have moved forward again. Even though I have been missing one of the most fundamental aspects of the adult world I have still managed to fight through and find success. However, I have another question: Is there a name for my dis-ability? This is one of my personal quests.

My struggle with math has led us to a Math Curriculum that is teacher-taught online or on a DVD. I found it today, and I am looking forward to learning right along side my kids.

So, there. I have once again managed to be brutally honest about myself on my blog. Somehow, I know you'll love me through it.

Take a Load Off

"This weekend was dedicated to me". Well, I told myself that anyway.  With this mentality I gave in to my entitlement mindset and some of my unbridled passions and I ate three different desserts filled with gluten, on three different occasions.  For those of you who don't know, I am severely gluten intolerant. I am also intolerant to eggs. Some of these desserts included eggs in their make-up.

With that said, I will tell you about who I turned into the past couple of days. Actually, I will spare you the details. Let's just picture Mama Hulk or maybe a Mama Jekyll and Hyde. Oh, it has been so very terrible and humiliating! Yesterday was the worst day that I have had for a very long time. My poor family!

The power went out last night. However, before that I had just left the kids room with a very firm "I am done with them!" to Leif. I followed up with,"if any of them wake or call out, YOU take care of it." NICE! From there, I promptly plopped myself in front of my computer and googled "can gluten intolerance cause rage?" Uh, yeah! I felt so heavy laden. That's the only way I can describe it. Just completely out of control and weighed down. And then the lights went out. Not just in my soul, the whole house was silent and dark. It felt very familiar and scary for a moment.

Leif actually had an appointment out of the house last night. So I was going to be alone in the dark with the kids. Luckily he was there to help me calm them when they woke up (their music and night light went out.) Heartless me told Jakob to close his eyes and go back to sleep. My loving husband, he went out and pulled up the solar light from the driveway and took it to their bedroom. Yes, I need to pay attention to his example.

"Ugg, now what!?" this was my thought as I plopped myself down on my bed too disgusted with myself to open up the scriptures to find solace. However, I was completely alone. That is a rare occurance. I decided to try something I had been reminded of lately, praying out loud. Well, I tried. But my mind was going faster then I could get the words out. So I just prayed. I prayed and prayed. Then when I found my words going in circles and I wasn't feeling much better. I decided to give thanks. I had heard somewhere that it helps when you're feeling down (wink, wink ;)  I knelt on my knees to my Father in Heaven and poured out my thanks for at least a half an hour. I found a lot to be grateful for. The miracle however was the weight loss. Truly!  When I finished my prayer, I felt like the load that I had been carrying had literally been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to think clearly and I felt peace.

Thank you Father, for helping me take a load off!

Sick Day!

Well today can officially be called a "sick day."  I have been going NON-STOP since last weekend trying to gut out and then put my house back together. Today was supposed to be a day filled with fun visiting. My good friend was coming in to town. Well, last night I fell into bed and I knew I was sick or really tired. Then Jakob woke up this morning sick. So, no visit:( . Big Bummer!

So today is going to be a movie and books kinda day instead!

Here's to feeling better tomorrow!!

BTW: Check back soon for a list of some fun and easy Summer activities ideas for you and your kids! 

Mother-heart Moments - Thank You Dear Father!

Father has given me a few power-filled moments this weekend when I felt an overwhelming gratitude for the Plan that He has for me. It is during moments like these when I am so grateful for my Saviour and His Atonement and the Ressurection.

I has been enough years since my girls passed away that sometimes I have to count to remember where we're at. It has been 4 1/2 years. And then, there are moments like the one I had yesterday during Sacrament meeting when time doesn't exist.  I was sitting there listening to the speaker when I was suddenly overcome with the feeling of an aching mother heart. In my minds eye I could see myself sitting there in a pew filled with five little bodies. My girls would be dressed in their beautiful new Easter dresses... It was so powerful I actually had to turn my head to wake myself to reality again. - Someday I will have those little girls with me ...- Someday...-  Thank you Father for the Ressurection!

That night Leif and I were visiting as we were falling asleep. Leif told me that he had a "Missing" moment that afternoon. He was watching a video on YouTube about Christ's life. Our daughter Leora is named after the story in the bible where Christ raises the little girl from the dead. He says "Talithiacumi" to the girl. This is Leora Lynn's middle name. Leif said he was filled with a longing for the girls during that video. Yes, I do find it neat and interesting that we were both overcome at most likely the same moment in time even though we were not together. I had not told Leif about my experience for fear of breaking down in tears. The tears came when he opened his heart to me. - Thank you Father for the Ressurection!

Today I spent the day cleaning and organizing our newly rearranged home. One of the main tasks that I had to tackle was to go through all of my baby clothes and items. We will not be having any more babies. Not for several years anyway. And even that is a slim chance. And if you know me at all, you know that this fact leaves me with an aching mother heart. I want more babies. But my body was not built to bring forth many babies on this earth. While going through these clothes for the last time in preparation to give them away I found myself becoming more and more heartsick about the whole thing. Luckily my precious gems came in the house to distract me and remind me of what I have in the Here and Now. Thank You Dear Father, for the Here and Now! And Thank You for Eternity!

Mama's Rambling

Can you believe I am actually sitting here ALONE! No one is calling for me. No one is crying. It's just me, and you. -Deep breath- it's a little strange. What do I do now?  Oh yeah, I talk to you. How am I doing, you ask? Well, that is quite a wide open question. But, I'll try to give you a few answers.  Let's see...

Lately, I have really appreciated good music. Music that lifts me up yet, helps me feel grounded. (Yes, that's possible.) Leif and I found Pandora.com. I love it! Our favorite radio stations are Paul Cardall and Jon Schmidt. However, when I want a little Aloha I turn on the Jack Johnson station.

So this allergy season is killing me! Seriously, it is terrible! I pray that it will all go away soon!

You may have noticed that I'm really really busy these days. Home school keeps me active. That alone probably makes it worth the sacrifice. So far so good. Jakob is coming along really well with his reading skills and that is my main goal this year. I think he's a well balanced little 6 year old. He started baseball this week and seems to Love getting out there to play. I would say he's one of their better players.

-I'm no longer alone.- No worries though, it's Leif with me. He's following his P-90X DVD. He's got the sound turned all the way down. Impressive. I need music to keep me going during a workout. Good Job Leif! Walking is good for me. But soon I need to add something else in to my routine. But I think I'll wait until Summer and exercise with Leif on the days that I don't go walking.  I know he wants me to do the P90X with him. But I'm not sure. It's way intense!

Well, sleep. That is the key to my wellness. I will sign off and go crawl in my den. As I do, I will leave you wise and knowledgeable readers with a question. Why do you think I can wake up feeling well enough, but by the time I've been up 15 minutes I'm a screaming banshee until 11:00. Then all of the sudden almost like a switch that's hit, I'm alright and in control. Seriously, it's a mystery to me. I'm going to order something called Rescue Remedy or Bach Flower Essence tomorrow. I'm hoping it will help me!!

Mama's Wellness Check-up

I have thought about writing several times in the last week. Some of the times were about how good I was feeling and about all of the things that were contributing to the Goodness. Other times I could have written about how not good I was feeling and all of the reasons why. Instead, I just chose silence. Looking back, I should have celebrated the good. Not very much good in looking back though, except a lesson in not withholding gratitude.  I'll work on that next time.

This time, I'll just write.

My kitchen is clean tonight. The huge majority of my dishes are washed and some are waiting to be put away from my DISHWASHER! I SO Love that little contraption. I met my goals with homeschooling today. I went walking (Thank you Dear Walking Buddy!) I made dinner tonight. I bathed both little ones in my freshly cleaned sink (Thank you Love for the help!) I made time after bedtime routine to give Jakob extra snuggle time tonight (Thanks again Love for the little encouragement, and for cleaning up the yucky diaper accident on the floor.) My kitchen floor is vacuumed (thank you Jakob and Leif!) Summer plans and schedules are in the making, I feel good about them and I hope we can bring them all to a reality. Life Plans are in the making and I feel really good about them (Leif, you Amaze me!)

Weight Watchers is going well. I am loosing weight and gaining better habits! Cinnamon (1 gram per meal) seems to help my sweets craving Tremendously! Enzymes have been helping overall as well. Clarocet makes just enough noticeable difference to continue to take it. That's all I wanted from it. Karol Truman's book is very interesting and I believe much of what she says is very true. Some of it I feel able to apply, other things I might have to gradually implement as life progresses. However, I haven't finished her book yet. I wish I could fit more time in for reading all of the books that I have on my shelf at the moment. Oh well, step by step.

Many days I can feel the progress I have made. Many days I feel like I am still a mess. Most days are a combination of the two. So I continue on with hope of peace. Honestly, I just feel bad for my family. I know that I do a lot to teach them, love them, encourage them. But the moments when I do the absolute opposite of those things seem to be too often and they make a deep mark. Oh how I pray that somehow they will make it through without too much baggage on my account.  There you go, that's me being Brutally honest.

In a world where life isn't complicated or bogged down with responsibility, I think I would declare a "Mama Retreat." I would go somewhere for ten days. Somewhere beautiful and peaceful. I would bring Leif with me (If he wanted to come. I very much enjoy his company.) However, I would spend the whole morning and day by myself. I would write. In my minds eye I have created a therapy through writing plan. I would spend my days writing, working on my relationship with Jesus Christ, and napping. Then I would spend my evenings with my precious husband. Six to Ten Days... It would be a start anyway, right? It would be Heavenly!

Anxiety Reality and the Plan to Triumph!

So, a few people around me, and those whom I usually talk with on the phone almost daily have noticed a change in my normal routines and attitudes. Let me share a few of the reasons for the change. Here are a few excerpts from my personal blog:

"When I gave birth to my twins and then lost them, it was no surprise that I was in a state of deep introspection, mild depression, anxiety, grieving, physical, emotional, mental, and all encompassing pain. All weirdness including good, bad, and very ugly days and moments were completely acceptable, explainable, and even expected. I was grieving. And gradually I gathered the scattered pieces, fit them back together again, and called it functioning.

So what do I call it now?" 

I went on to list my symptoms and how they all had come back into my life to haunt me. I will spare you the details. However, in order to make any sense at all I will list the reasons plain and simple for you:

• I am overweight for my body frame.
• I am addicted to sweets.
• I lack exercise in my life for many reasons.
• HCG Diet didn't work, Gluten Free change didn't continue to help, switching to non-hormonal birth control didn't help.
• Stopped taking Anti-Depressants. (Yes, I know I've said I wouldn't do it again. Well, I did! Sorry!)

So, all good, bad and ugly reality of my world is in living color at the moment. It is no question that my illness is partially heredity. However, I have wounds and issues that I need to take care of. They have festered long enough and I choose to heal them NOW! 

I'll let you in on my world on a Bad Day, or a Bad Moment. This is what happens to me when I band-aid my problems and forget they exisit:

- Personal Blog- "Let's talk about daily life in my shoes at the moment:

One Word: Yo-Yo! Uuuuuup -Doooowwwn. Uuuuuup -Dooooown. Wanna Ride, really - it's fun?! Uh, not really though!

Today the struggles I faced was Social Anxiety, General Anxiety. A feeling of not being comfortable within my own skin. Irritability and critical judgement: "if only that girl would STOP clicking her pen! I'm going insane!!" I am going to KILL those dogs if they don't stop barking!"  I can't believe he just sat down to that game, dinner's done and the table is a disaster -glare, huf-puf." "There is No Way we'll buy THAT for him. It's not Good for him... Oh, it's for his migraine, sorry!!!" "I'm So sick of ME! Please let me hide somewhere before I cause any more damage!" I can't stand the thought of weaning JJ to a bottle full time. It's makes me really sad, and it's more work. - Ugg, I really hate my jug size, maybe weaning is a good thing after all. Oh shoot I need to warm the bottle. JUNK!" "Jakob's talking a lot about my Gluten Free Diet I hope I'm not creating anxiety within him. Jakob's been complaining of sudden stomach aches. I can't decide if it's food or anxiety related. I am afraid that it might be anxiety... What if I pass on my issues through genetics or example? Good Heavens!" "Caleb's diaper rash is terrible! What foods cause this and how can I possibly find out and keep him away from them?" "JJ's still rubbing his ear, could it be infected!?" "How in the world can Leif enjoy my company, I'm such a mess!" "

I am revealing these realities in hopes that it helps my loved ones understand my weirdness a little better. Don't be repelled, just know that I'm working on getting better. Most of the time, I'm mostly cheerful and my normal self. 

In hopes that this post might help someone else struggling with Anxiety I will share some of the things that I am   doing or plan to do to help me feel the best that I can.

Mental and Spiritual

• Believe it or not, Home School has helped. It's not always easy. But there is a peace that has come. Peace is good.
• Kinesiology (Muscle Testing, Touch for Health). Leif is polishing up on his Massage Therapy skills so he can help me.
• I am reading and will follow Karol Truman's book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
• I am re-reading and applying several of the helpful tips and tools given in Patricia Pott's book My Journey from Darkness to Light. 
• I will be taking Clarocet ERT. This is a natural supplement to help with Anxiety and Mild Depression. This company has several supplement options available including supplements for children. 
• I will also be using Bach Flower Remedies Rescue Remedy Natural Stress Relief. This product has over 100 4-5 star reviews. I look forward to having it's help!
• I will be walking regularly throughout the week. 
• I will express gratitude openly and more often.

Physical

• I will be walking regularly throughout the week. 
• Enzyme Supplements. So far the GlutenEase and Digest Gold have made a noticeable difference in my daily life. So I will continue those and add Lypo Gold in hopes for more improvement. -Take the Enzyme Deficiency Test to find out which enzymes you might need. Enzyme Deficiency is a common condition that isn't often taken care of well enough. I love this test because they give you a lot of good information about the enzymes and why and how they can help. 
• Professional Botanicals: InDigest. 
• MutiVitamin

Foto Friday March Week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

We have had a great week it's been full of change, improvement, togetherness, and love!

From Foto Friday March week 3

One of Jakob's favorite new school tools is our White Board. He Loves to draw. All of his drawings have a whole story to tell behind them.

From Foto Friday March week 3

A week or so ago I showed the tiny closet that Leif made me in a nook space behind the wall. Well, this week he opened up the opposite wall and we store tools and household maintenance tools there. LOVE IT!

From Foto Friday March week 3

It seems that almost every time I turn around Jakob is in the process of creating something new. Whether it be with paper through drawing, or freezing something, or taping random toys and tools together to create a camera (such as this item) We Love Jakob's creative mind and heart!

From Foto Friday March week 3

Jakob hiding as he waits for his friends to come over.

From Foto Friday March week 3

I slipped away one afternoon to the School Book Fair. I was excited to read Caleb the book that the Librarian helped me pick for him. It's called "Hot Rod Hamster." Caleb loves anything with wheels and he loves animals. So this was a perfect fit for him. Fun and Precious Moments!

***
One of my close friends whom I grew up with (Heidi (Potts) Hamilton) moved to CC about an hour and a half away from us. We went up to visit them on Friday. It was so fun to catch up a bit and watch our kids and husbands enjoy each other's company. It warms my heart to see our kids together. Sends me back in time...

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

- Jakob, this is a picture of a true friend. She is encouraging you without judgement. Pure! -

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

*** Can't wait til' next time Heidi!***

Our Silky Chicks hatched this weekend. They are so cute and friendly. They walk into our hands and calm down when we talk to them. We found a great Brooder Pen at the local thrift store. It's perfect size and it allows us to interact with the chicks a lot more with no worries of tipping over boxes or heat lamps. Very fun and So Sweet!

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3

From Foto Friday March week 3