Wednesday, March 23, 2016

All Will Be Made Alive

The last post I wrote was about the nightmares that I struggle with sometimes. Gratefully those have subsided. However, today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I mean, it's not like I don't have a few good reasons to feel anxious, right? I've got my kids home all day, and I am far from the homeschooling mom that I would like to be. I'm working on packing up the family to move to an island in the middle of the Pacific, the Easter bunny's supposed to make his grand entrance this weekend, and ...

But today, I know one of the things that is Really bothering me. And usually when I am faced with this struggle I have to close all emotion down about it completely. But today, I'm going to allow it to flow, process, and move on.

Today, I am accepting the fact that we are once again moving further (much further) away from the cemetery where our girls are buried.  Every time we move, it seems we move further away from that spot. It's so sad when you think about it.  I've never lived near it. And sometimes it just gets to me.

Today I was thinking about how trapped and distraught I would feel about moving away from them if I didn't know within my soul that the cemetery is only where their bodies are lying. And that they live on in a Heaven. How grateful I am for this knowledge. It saves my sanity in this life.

This weekend we celebrate Easter. The celebration of our Savior's Resurrection, and in turn, the Resurrection of all mankind. How grateful I am to know that one day I won't mourn the absence of my babies anymore. I won't long for a daughter on this earth. I will no longer need a cemetery to mark their short lived existence upon the earth. For they will be with me. I will hold them in my arms. I will raise them as my own. I will be whole once again.

To my Savior, my soul cries out, How Great Thou Art! For in Him, All will be made alive.  And in time, All will be well!!

Saturday, March 19, 2016


For the last week my nights have been filled with nightmares.  Nightmares for me usually revolve around three subjects: Emotional trauma between my mother and I, the loss of my twin daughters, or anxiety about my boys.  This week my dreams have been filled with all three.

Last night in my dreams I was trying desperately to walk my boys to a new school. But they wouldn't stay with me. We Finally made it to the school, only to find that it was an enormous school with no rhyme or reason to how it was mapped out. I finally got the boys into their classrooms and then Caleb's class started to read a book. I knew there was no way he could read the book, and I was so sad for him.  And mad at myself. This dream represents my current struggle with enrolling my boys into school again next year. There is obviously a lot of underlying stress about the subject.

The other night my dreams were filled with all things GIRL. Any book I opened up was not filled with words but pink laces and overflowing pink tutus. My hair was overflowing with all kinds of hair clips and trinkets...  and lost babies that I could never seem to find.

When it comes to the dreams about my mother, well... Let's just say we argue a lot in those dreams and it's never pretty, happy, or healing.  However, now-days on occasion I will find myself dreaming about good times with my mother. Our relationship has become more "normal" since we've all grown up and changed. There are more happy memories for my mind to pull from. I am very grateful for that!!

Gratefully, nightmares are not a constant for me. They come and go. Some are filled with more PTSD then others. Sometimes they linger in my soul throughout my waking day. And other times they are mercifully forgotten. And above all, I am grateful that the events that they play out are NOT REAL ever, or at least Any More!!  My waking life is filled with Love and Happiness.  Never stress-
free. But I am happy!

Monday, March 14, 2016

Sensory Processing Disorder: Tools

Caleb (7+yrs) battles Sensory Processing Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, and High Functioning Autism. That's a lot to cope with for such a little guy. And he is AMAZING!! We Love everything about him.

Over the years we have learned A LOT of coping skills and life skills to make his life and our life as a family easier to handle. Sometimes one of the struggles flares up more then usually and it requires desperate measures. This is one of those times.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a condition that effects the many senses of the body. Right now Caleb's struggling with everything Mouth or "Oral Processing." His shirt is soaked within five minutes of putting it on because he's chewed on it. EVERYTHING he holds goes to his mouth without thinking. And lots of kisses. And then his started sucking on his arm.

That gave me an idea. A Pacifier a.k.a Binky. It's not our Favorite idea to rewind the clock and use a binky again. But I was desperate. So I got on the internet and found an "Adult" size binky that is used for this exact purpose. So I ordered it!  Not even sure if he would use it. But it was worth the try.

We got it yesterday and it is a HUGE hit!!! He is always chewing or occasionally sucking on it. There has been less bouncing off the walls and mouthing things, it's a no brainer that we will continue using it as a tool. It's somewhat big for our little guy. So I actually just ordered some regular 16+month size pacifiers.

It's never "easy" to accept that we deal with a lot of very unusual issues for a 7 year old. But I am so grateful first, for a husband who is humble enough to support the Strange solutions, and two, for the resources that are out there to help us along the way.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Girls Night Out!

I had the great opportunity to have a Girls Night Out with a dear friend of mine (Melodie Winn.) We first went to the LDS Oakland Temple. It was a rainy cold evening. But it was still beautiful! I can't believe I didn't take pictures the entire night!!! We were too busy chatting and laughing.

We chose to do Initiatory work. This is where the first blessings and promises given in the temple take place. It was such a beautiful experience to be reminded of those sacred blessings and promises that were given to me many years ago. It was a privilege to serve in the temple again.

After the temple we went out to dinner. We had such a great time visiting that time flew by. Leif finally text me as we were pulling back in to our apartment wondering what our time frame was so he wouldn't worry. :) Ahhh, the joys of a Great friend! Time flies when you're having fun!

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Awakening From PTSD

I have lived an incredibly full life. High school was filled with many friends and great memories. From there I traveled the country as a professional nanny. I attended some college in the middle of that, and lived a fun single adult life. In addition, I lived in Hawaii for a few years before I was married and my life was abundantly full of friends and amazing memories you can only make in the paradise of The Islands. Finally, my most cherished time of my life was the 18 months I served as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I served in Northern Illinois, primarily on the Great Lakes Navy Base (Boot camp and Training Center.)

For years I carried on with friendships and continued to make memories with them. I eventually met the Love of my life and had my first child. And then my life as I knew it was forever changed. Never to be the same again. In 2006 I was faced with the loss of our twin daughters. The experience traumatized me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And no surprise to us, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder soon after the ordeal.
A few very interesting things happened during my battle with PTSD. One of the first things we noticed was my sudden lack of desire to deal with the telephone. One month before I went in to the hospital with my girls I had just sold a Nanny Agency that my husband and I had built from the ground up. It had gone national and I had spent my days for the last two years constantly on the telephone with perfect strangers. Now I could barely muster the ability to call my family. Another strange thing that happened was that I couldn't sing anymore. I had spent my earlier years in choirs. Now my songs were only in the heart. Albeit it a broken one.
Finally, the most profound, yet not fully noticed change was a lack of memory. The memory of my past life. My friends and our relationships. Our memories and our journeys together. I am very sad to admit, it was as if I was a completely new person. My mind didn't even acknowledge the life before. And gradually time moved on and the connections were dissolved before I could even recognize what had happened. I was in a complete state of rebuilding and survival.
Forward nine years later and I'm noticing something interesting. I'm suddenly remembering names of friends that had become more of a fleeting face in my dreams. My mind is filled with memories long forgotten. Clear and bright. My soul is longing to find some of the pieces of myself that have not yet been put back together. Not to say I want to go back. But I am now able to share them with my children. I am also able to sing again. My heart has unlocked it's voice and I find myself singing out more and more. Now, the telephone? Well, technology enabled me on that front by creating text messaging. Although, if you make the effort to reach out to me there's a greater chance of me calling you back these days.
What is my point in sharing these observations with you? Perhaps I am hoping to share a sense of hope with someone who may need a light at the end of the tunnel. To know that your voice will come back. That your heart can mend as well as your mind. After a serious trauma, we are never the same person. Our story has changed forever. But there can be healing. There is mending that comes along the way. That is my message to those who need it, to Hold On just a little longer. To take it one day, one week, one month, and one year at a time. But one day you will wake up and find that you are more whole then you ever were before.
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