Nightmares

For the last week my nights have been filled with nightmares.  Nightmares for me usually revolve around three subjects: Emotional trauma between my mother and I, the loss of my twin daughters, or anxiety about my boys.  This week my dreams have been filled with all three.

Last night in my dreams I was trying desperately to walk my boys to a new school. But they wouldn't stay with me. We Finally made it to the school, only to find that it was an enormous school with no rhyme or reason to how it was mapped out. I finally got the boys into their classrooms and then Caleb's class started to read a book. I knew there was no way he could read the book, and I was so sad for him.  And mad at myself. This dream represents my current struggle with enrolling my boys into school again next year. There is obviously a lot of underlying stress about the subject.

The other night my dreams were filled with all things GIRL. Any book I opened up was not filled with words but pink laces and overflowing pink tutus. My hair was overflowing with all kinds of hair clips and trinkets...  and lost babies that I could never seem to find.

When it comes to the dreams about my mother, well... Let's just say we argue a lot in those dreams and it's never pretty, happy, or healing.  However, now-days on occasion I will find myself dreaming about good times with my mother. Our relationship has become more "normal" since we've all grown up and changed. There are more happy memories for my mind to pull from. I am very grateful for that!!

Gratefully, nightmares are not a constant for me. They come and go. Some are filled with more PTSD then others. Sometimes they linger in my soul throughout my waking day. And other times they are mercifully forgotten. And above all, I am grateful that the events that they play out are NOT REAL ever, or at least Any More!!  My waking life is filled with Love and Happiness.  Never stress-
free. But I am happy!