All Will Be Made Alive

The last post I wrote was about the nightmares that I struggle with sometimes. Gratefully those have subsided. However, today I am feeling a lot of anxiety. I mean, it's not like I don't have a few good reasons to feel anxious, right? I've got my kids home all day, and I am far from the homeschooling mom that I would like to be. I'm working on packing up the family to move to an island in the middle of the Pacific, the Easter bunny's supposed to make his grand entrance this weekend, and ...

But today, I know one of the things that is Really bothering me. And usually when I am faced with this struggle I have to close all emotion down about it completely. But today, I'm going to allow it to flow, process, and move on.

Today, I am accepting the fact that we are once again moving further (much further) away from the cemetery where our girls are buried.  Every time we move, it seems we move further away from that spot. It's so sad when you think about it.  I've never lived near it. And sometimes it just gets to me.

Today I was thinking about how trapped and distraught I would feel about moving away from them if I didn't know within my soul that the cemetery is only where their bodies are lying. And that they live on in a Heaven. How grateful I am for this knowledge. It saves my sanity in this life.

This weekend we celebrate Easter. The celebration of our Savior's Resurrection, and in turn, the Resurrection of all mankind. How grateful I am to know that one day I won't mourn the absence of my babies anymore. I won't long for a daughter on this earth. I will no longer need a cemetery to mark their short lived existence upon the earth. For they will be with me. I will hold them in my arms. I will raise them as my own. I will be whole once again.

To my Savior, my soul cries out, How Great Thou Art! For in Him, All will be made alive.  And in time, All will be well!!

October's Hidden Shadow: Our Girls Would Be Seven This Month

Seven Years! Seven Years!
One moment - One year - seven years ago this month,  changed my entire being forever. In 2006 I experienced an early pregnancy miscarriage. A few months later we discovered that I was pregnant with twins. We knew them through ultrasound and maternal connection for six months. After a long journey and struggle, our babies passed away. LeOra passed while in utero and Rhea passed nine days after her birth from complications of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome.

Every year during the month of October the shadow of their loss and the grief that accompanies it seems stronger. Every year has felt different but it is still there. I remember how all consuming the grief was in the beginning. It was that way for a long time. And now it just comes in waves. And sometimes at the most random and annoying times. At the bookstore as I search for books all about the strategies of war for my boys and I come face to face with an American Girls display. Or at Costco when all I need is to sit in their comfy couches on display for a quick rest and it just Has to be  facing the racks of frilly Easter dresses that I'll never get to buy.

In the beginning I mourned the loss of what I had with my girls. The feeling of carrying them within me. The loss of the connection and the babies I would never hold. I often wondered if they would always be "our Babies."  But they aren't. They have grown just as the other kids have grown. And now most of the sorrow comes at the thought of the time that we have missed and the life experiences that we haven't shared together.

The loss of a child is profound and powerful. I visited with a friend this month who is in her 80's. I was reminded of a Mother's Heart and it's power when she shared the story about the loss of one of her first children. She spoke of the experience as if it had recently happened. In reality she had gone on to bare ten children and a lifetime had passed. But her Mother Heart still aches for that little baby she was never able to care for in this life. There is a shadow that follows a mother who has lost one of her children. In time it becomes clearer. Easier to see through and manage life despite its constant presence. But the Mother Heart Never Forgets the child she is waiting to hold in her arms again.

Leaving Them Behind but Inviting Them Near

I didn't think it would really matter... But now I know it does because the tears have began to flow, and that is rare, indeed.  Last night I dreamed about abandoned babies at a store that turned out to be broken pieces of a doll or small decorated kidney beans. In the dream I really wanted to keep "the babies" all for myself. I woke up with my first thought being about the rose bushes growing outside in our front yard.  I wonder what will happen to them?

This is the jumbled emotions of my Mother Heart trying to process the reality that I must leave. I will leave with three of my children and I will have to leave my girls and their hallowed ground here, creating even more distance between us then there has already been. For some reason it has become hard and sad.

To get through the aching lump in my throat that has surprised me throughout the day I start to day dream about the memorial that we will build again for our girls. Everywhere we go their is always a place for them. Our landing place when we get to Missouri won't be where we will set down roots. But it will be a special home for our family, owned by family.  I am hoping they won't mind if we put a little garden together in my girls honor. A place where I can nurture and beautify and ponder the journey of life. Some day I hope to have a place with two cherub angels statues and maybe even a bench to sit in and teach my boys about their sisters and the lessons that they taught us during their short but profound life. To everything there is a season.

This is a season that has been long awaited and carries many beautiful changes and treasures. And yes, some very sad and difficult changes as well. I didn't think this would be one of them. But I was wrong. The power of a Mother's Love is still surprising to me. And what is more surprising is how, some how, we carry on.

The Remembrance - The Knowledge - The Heartache Soothed - In Time

Leif and I shared a moment in time this weekend that was unexpected and very precious. Wednesday morning I learned through the gift of modern networking that one of my dear friend's that I grew up with as a little girl and have remained friends with through the years suddenly and very tragically lost her baby boy.

Upon reading the news I was immediately overcome with emotion and shock. There was only one thing I new for sure. I had to go to her! I knew a tiny part of her broken heart. The shock and utter disbelief. I had to hold her, for there are very few words that can be shared in such a loss. And the very few needed to be shared face to face with the spirit as our companion.

I ran to my dear husband who was working out in the trailer on his last bit of homework before the weekend and I breathlessly told him what had happened. He took me in his arms while I shook and murmured quietly the only word that would come, No... No... No... And then I was able to get the feeling that was calling to be out. "Leif, I need to go to her." And without a thought of complaint he took me to her.

Heidi lives almost two hours north of us. Really not a huge trip. But one that would require babysitters and some planning... We were on the road within an hour. My Precious friends scooped up my kids with knowing arms and hearts and cared for them without a thought otherwise. Even when there was confusion and Jakob didn't catch the bus, they knew where he needed to be and where I was and they took care. Bless them!

Soon we were driving over the beautiful Cedar Mountain pondering our existence here on this earth and it's fleeting nature. This journey played a double meaning for us. This trip over the mountain marked the first time we had driven along the path our friend Lucy drove on the day her life was ended on that very road a few months ago. Our hearts were somber. The coming Easter holiday within a few days and its meaning was not lost on us.

When Leif and I arrived at Heidi and Jason's home I knew we had done the right thing in coming. She needed me. I needed to be with her. And Leif was able to share a few thoughts and support for Jason and Heidi and work his magic to lighten the fog of sadness for their three little girls. He has a gift that I envy at times. And then I look at the whole picture and see that we make a wonderful team.

So much was shared over the next several hours. To me I felt a sense of coming home that I haven't felt for decades. Heidi's parents grew up with my parents. In a lot of ways I consider them part of my family. Heidi's mother Patricia played a vital role in my life for as long as I can remember. She is cherished in my heart. Heidi has three sisters that I love as well. How sweet it was to be with them during such a time as this in their life. I was overwhelmed with the reality once again that we are not sent here to earth without a plan and a purpose. Nothing is happenstance! We each play a role in the lives of those we are around that can come back around to us for good or ill. I know this is true.

Leif and I stayed for the day and ended up spending the night as well. It was a precious time of remembrance for us. There was a re-connection made within us and our life's journey together. A remembrance  A Knowledge. A Heartache soothed.

A remembrance of the loss and the sadness that followed, all shared together. The remembrance of being carried by God and his angels through the darkest and heaviest steps of our life. The knowledge that Father does know His children and our Savior's Atonement makes happiness possible again. A heartache within our soul that never quite goes away but knowing that in time the soothing does come. The all-consuming ache and sadness does calm. In time, the laughter does return to the soul. In time.

The tears did come for Leif and I. The tears flowed down our cheeks while we sat together at the viewing. The sobs of my precious friend echoed in my heart and brought forth memories and emotions that have been long closed. The sadness I feel for her loss is so great. I do not wish this kind of loss upon anyone. But if there is any good that can come from such a loss it is the Remembrance, the Knowledge, and the Heartache Soothed that comes, in time.  In time, there have come chances to share the journey with other broken hearts and in those moments there is a glimmer of understanding of why we had to feel such pain.

Happy Birthday to Our Girls

Our girls would have turned 6 years old yesterday. We've missed them this year. Jakob's felt the loss for the first time in his life.. He came to me the other night with tears in his eyes after I had tucked him in to bed and he told me that he missed the twins. He talked about how different and fun it would have been to have them alive. He's right. I think they would have been good friends. That makes them feel more real. Less of a nightmarish dream...

My Sweet Love sent me two presents in the mail today. To let me know he didn't forget. Very Precious gifts, All of them!

NICU Dream - Searching

I had a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) dream this afternoon during nap time. It felt so real and so Intense! It's been six years this week since my first daughter passed away. My second passed away a couple weeks later. It usually ends up that I have at least one Baby Loss dream each year. This dream was different then any of the others I have had before.

It started with Leif and I on a vacation somewhere. We were waking up and I turned to him and said, "don't you think we should go see the baby?" I was surprised and worried at the fact that we had a baby in the NICU and we weren't right by HIS side. I was suddenly filled with anxiety and an urgency to get to the hospital to see our son. I was filled with a frustration because I didn't feel like Leif was in a hurry to get there.  Suddenly, we were standing in front of Leif's grandparents home in Brigham City. My family was there with us and we were all getting ready to go to the hospital. I realized at that moment that we were going to need a temporary place to live. I turned to Leif and asked him if the house was vacant. He said it was. I broke down sobbing with gratitude for the blessing and Leif just held me. My family headed to the hospital and Leif and I started driving to the hospital as well. However, I was in the back seat of the car and suddenly I realized that the car was driving crazy and Leif was not in the drivers seat. I climbed up front and started to drive and out of my window I could see that there was an accident across the street. Leif had jumped out of the car as an EMT. I was FURIOUS!!!!

We finally made it to the hospital and I was overwhelmed because I couldn't believe we were going through another NICU experience. Everything looked so familiar.  I pulled Leif aside and started listing all that we HAD to do this time to show our faith in God, so he would let our baby live. I was crying as I told him we had to read our scriptures morning and night, pray, and fast. I told him these are things I regret not doing last time. I felt like I needed to convince him that this was important. (I felt such a urgency to get to the baby at this point.) We kept trying to get the nurses to show us where to go. In the mean time we were discussing names Tyson, Joshua, Benjamin, or all of them. Then we found out that my dad had gone in to the baby with Leif's brother Eric and gave the baby a blessing. Again, I was furious. Why hadn't they waited for us!?

FINALLY, we got a nurse to show us where we were supposed to go. But as we were walking someone stepped in between Leif and I and I couldn't see Leif any more. When my view was clear, Leif was nowhere to be seen. He had gone in without me. I was in a panic. I couldn't find my way around no matter how I tried or who I asked. All the while I just felt so confused and a longing to simply get to my baby...

I never found Leif or my baby. When I was wound up enough in my dream my mind kept telling me that I was dreaming and I just needed to wake up. I kept trying and trying to wake up, knowing that in real life I needed to wake up and pick up Jakob and Caleb from school. Finally, the phone rang in my real world and I was pulled awake.. . Leif was calling to give me Jakob's MRI results.

It was a very tale-telling dream. One that dug deep into my mind and heart...

Did You Know?

Did you know that Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is supposed to be 4 servings worth!? Seriously! That is just rude!:) I think I deserve to eat the whole thing without feeling guilty tonight. Okay, it looks like I ate 3 servings worth. That spares me some of the guilt:)

Oh Wow! -Sigh- This month is such a tender one for me out of all of the months of the year. And the memories start to creep in and have dates and events to compare with starting right about now....  I flew back from a two week stay in a Seattle hospital 6 years ago this week. My body was threatening to miscarry my twins at any moment. We were just buying time however we could.

This weekend is General Conference for our church. It is held this particular weekend every October and April. I was admitted into the Maternal Fetal Medicine floor of the LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City during the afternoon session on Saturday's General Conference. I just knew that I needed their help. Little did we know what was ahead. Six weeks in that hospital room. It was a long journey. One that we refer to often as a defining moment in our lives.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have 5 kids under the age of 8 years old. When I fill out a form with my kids' ages, not a single time goes by when I don't think about the fact that the (6) in age line up is missing. If they would have lived it would read 2, 4, 6, and 8 years old. But instead I write 2, 4, and 8 years old. That's a big gap. It's difficult sometimes. I think Jakob would have enjoyed having his little sisters. Most of his best friends are the little girls who are exactly my girls' age. For the last couple of years I've pondered the idea of getting all of those sweet girls, whom I just happen to adore, and having a little girl party in celebration of my girls... But then I decide it's probably not the best idea. Some things are just best left alone. So instead, I cherish the moments that I do get to spend with those little girls and try not to think too hard on what could have been. Try is the key word there...

I'm preparing for General Conference weekend.  If you know my family very well, you know that General Conference is a big deal in our family traditions. This year I've really struggled! I feel bad, but I haven't even looked at the possible activities and packets for this year that are available on the internet. I'm just sad that Leif won't be with us. It's really hard trying to take care of the kids on my own. Really Hard! Especially during a conference session, or four. I've been trying to figure out how to find this weekend enjoyable and I finally had the thought that we could go to my aunt and uncle's house in St. George and spend the weekend with them. I'm looking forward to visiting with them. So here's hoping for a good weekend filled with inspiration on love. Heaven knows I could use the boost right about now! All will be well, I know!

Five Years Ago

Five years ago I lay in a hospital bed feeling the awe and sadness of the circle of life. I had delivered twins hours earlier. One of them had already returned to her Father in Heaven five days earlier. But we could feel her presence very strong as we sat reverently next to her sister in the NICU.

I remember one particular moment after I came from visiting Rhea. I was resting and my room was filled with warmth and peace. I just knew I wasn't alone. I sat wondering who might be with me. My father in law was in the room resting at the time. Later he told me that during that particular moment he too felt the peace and he was blessed to see our visitors from beyond the veil. It was my daughter LeOra and his Mother LeOra. They were visiting me and then he saw in his mind's eye them go to Rhea's (LeOra's twin) bedside. I believe that my grandmother Rhea was with my Little Rhea as well.

It was such a hallowed time. The colors that come to mind are glowing sunshine.... Light. So much light.

How grateful I am for the peace that comes through our Savior Jesus Christ. It was His light that carried us five years ago yesterday when I delivered our precious baby girls. Though there were moments, days, months, and even a year of great sadness and some darkness. My Savior's light Never left my soul. I will be forever grateful for His Divine Love!

Until we meet again my precious girlies! Happy Birthday!

A Few Thoughts Behind the Scenes

This week I have often found myself in deep thought. A few things have happened here and there throughout the week that has jogged deep rooted emotions and stirred them up. This being my "thinking corner" I might as well share a few of the thoughts.

I Wish I Could Be There!
Having family within Joplin MO area has given us opportunity to hear about the inside details that the press aren't able to capture. There are a lot of miracles that took place the evening of the tornado. And there are a lot of miracles still taking place. This is a reminder that the Lord doesn't leave His children comfort-less. Yes, he allowed the tornado to take place, but because of the tornado many people are giving and receiving Christ-like service that otherwise wouldn't have. The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints have a plan of action already set up and ready to implement in case of any natural disaster requiring large numbers of volunteer service. Within hours after the tornado in Joplin the Church was moving forward with their plan of action. They have hundreds of church members from all over Missouri (and even surrounding states) traveling to Joplin throughout the week, and a large amount every weekend to give service. Everyone ages 14 and older are encouraged to participate in the service. The church conducts a Sunday devotional on Sunday instead of the regular three hour block of church meetings, and then the members go out all day and give service. This organized plan will continue for as long as it is needed.  I wish I could be there! 


Remembering the NICU Days
We celebrated the birth of a nephew this week. We are very excited to have more boys in the family. My nephew was born healthy and strong but he had a very minor sick episode the day he was born and they ended up admitting him into the NICU. While talking with his mama I found myself being taken back in time. By the end of this particular conversation I found myself crying from my mother heart. With tears about to take over I said to this special mother, "I didn't get to hold my baby, go hold your baby." As those words spilled out, so did the tears and emotion of those last days with my baby girls. It is amazing how those moments in time can come back so clearly at the most unexpected moments. Luckily, my nephew is just fine and so am I.

We Spoke in Church Today
We spoke in church today. It was really nice to take some time this past week to really study the General Conference talks. I learned a lot. Jakob said the first two Articles of Faith. He did a great job, all grown up. Leif did a great job! He is so easy going and likable. His love of the gospel and of the people shown brightly as he spoke. I spoke, and I wish I could feel at peace about how it went. I feel good about the message. I felt good about how I presented it for the most part. But for some reason I am just not feeling great about it all. I think I am just being pressured by the adversary. I'd like to think it was a good talk. Here it is:

REFERENCES: April 2011 General Conference

Followers of Christ by Walter F. Gonzalaz of the Presidency of the Seventy

The Miracle of the Atonement by C. Scott Grow of the Seventy

The Atonement Covers All Pain by Kent F. Richards of the Seventy

Face the Future with Faith by Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

 Faith is an Action Word

Jakob came to me one night, as he was getting ready for bed. He told me that he had some skin that was hanging from the bottom of his foot and he wanted me to cut it off. I didn’t think it was a big deal… I got the scissors and in the dim light of their bedroom I proceeded to cut what I thought was skin. Instead, I realized too late that it was a large splinter that had wedged itself under the skin. Sadly, I had cut the very piece of the splinter off that I needed in order to easily fix the problem.

When I realized what I had done, I brought Jakob into the kitchen where we had a bright light. Jakob and I were both discouraged at what we saw. The splinter was deep and now that Jakob had seen the wound, it was quite painful. Leif and I explained to Jakob how necessary it was to get the splinter out. I was surprised and touched by his sudden and quick reaction. Without saying a word, he quickly folded his arms and bowed his head signaling to me that all we needed to do was say a prayer and the whole wound would be healed. Oh, such faith!

I am not saying that Father wouldn’t be able to answer Jakob’s prayer exactly how Jakob had hoped. We did say a prayer together asking for comfort and healing, but Leif and I did take a moment to explain a couple of important principles to our son. 

Faith is an action word!

Father in Heaven has promised us that mercy and grace shall be given after all that we can do. In  2 Ne. 25:23 we read: For we labor diligently to write, to ^apersuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by ^bgrace that we are saved, after all we can^cdo.  In the Bible Dictionary under Grace it reads: “Grace is a word that occurs frequently in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul. The main idea of the word is, divine means of help, or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.”

During some of the darkest and most pain –filled nights of my life I remember one word that went through my mind over and over. The word was MERCY. I called out to my Father in Heaven and plead for His mercy and grace to take away my pain.

Almost five years ago Leif and I lost our twin daughters to complications during their pregnancy. This has been the hardest thing that I have had to face in my life so far. Since my girls’ pregnancy and death, I have never been the same physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  I have found myself calling out for Mercy on many occasions. And the Lord has answered by helping me find my path to action, my path to His Grace.

  

While preparing this talk I found myself asking a few questions:

First Question: What are the pains and heartaches that our ward family members are experiencing within their personal lives?

Physical illness

Mental illness

Marriage heartaches and confusion

Inability to have children

Loneliness

Grieving

Wayward children and family members

Betrayal and abuse

Weakened testimony and faith

Overscheduled lives

Trapped by debt

Poverty and unemployment

Fear of what the world is coming to

Struggling to endure to the end in faith

These are only a handful of the trials that are being faced within our ward family on a daily basis. Elder Richards has said, “Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others. ³ Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.” ⁴ Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help. 

He continues:

“The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.”

Second Question: This leads me to my 2^nd question: What motivates me personally to move forward and stay on the path to eternal life with God? What motivates me to stay strong and not become bitter and question my trails in life?

First Motivator: I believe with all of my soul that God the Father and His son Jesus Christ are very much real, and very much aware of me. I know this from experience. And the thought of denying this knowledge makes me shiver with fear of the Lord’s consequences of such a thing. Elder Nelson bore witness to this truth when he said, “How you deal with life’s trials is part of the development of your faith. Strength comes when you remember that you have a divine nature, an inheritance of infinite worth. The Lord has reminded you, your children, and your grandchildren that you are lawful heirs, that you have been reserved in heaven for your specific time and place to be born, to grow and become His standard bearers and covenant people. As you walk in the Lord’s path of righteousness, you will be blessed to continue in His goodness and be a light and a savior unto His people. ^“

Second Motivator: My covenants motivate me. I have promised God, myself, my husband, and my family that I will stay true to the commandments of God and do all that I can to keep our family together eternally.

      President Nelson counseled us to tach our children and apply the following in our life: “Teach of faith to keep all the commandments of God, knowing that they are given to bless His children and bring them joy. ⁴ Warn them that they will encounter people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore others that they choose to break. I call this the cafeteria approach to obedience. This practice of picking and choosing will not work. It will lead to misery. To prepare to meet God, one keeps all of His commandments. It takes faith to obey them, and keeping His commandments will strengthen that faith.”

Third Question: This leads me to my final question: How do we endure through the past, present, and future trials of life?

(PRAYER)

Let’s go back to my story about Jakob’s splinter. What was his very first response to his pain? He Prayed!

Elder Nelson said, “Unfailing faith is fortified through prayer. Your heartfelt pleadings are important to Him. Think of the intense and impassioned prayers of the Prophet Joseph Smith during his dreadful days of incarceration in Liberty Jail. The Lord responded by changing the Prophet’s perspective. He said, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” 

Heavenly Father didn’t answer Joseph Smith’s prayer by rescuing him from his trial right away. He helped Joseph find the path that God had to His Grace. Heavenly Father will never leave us comfortless. He will always act upon our action of prayer. And most often, he will lead us step by step back into the light of His love, the goodness and true joys of life.

(REPENTANCE and ACTION)

Elder Richards reminds us of my next point. He said “There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an” inexpressible horror,” as Alma described. ⁸ It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”  In order to truly find peace and the grace of God we must repent of our sins. If you need to talk to the bishop, do it! If you need to talk to your spouse about an issue, do it! If you need to offer an apology, do it!  The longer sin sits in ones soul, the more pain it inflicts.  We must take action against our sins and repent in order to find healing.

When Jakob came to me with the splinter in his foot Leif and I helped him understand what actions he had taken to lead to the pain in his foot. We also took action to do what we needed to in order to heal the wound. In life, our trials often leave wounds that require action to heal. If you need to meet with a counselor, do it! If you need to take medication, do it! If you need to change the friends that you spend time with, do it! If you need to drop-kick your computer out the window, by all means do it!  J

As we listen to the whisperings of the spirit and do all that we can do to endure our trials we must ultimately come unto Christ and lift our burdens up to Him.

(FOLLOW HIM)

           

 Elder Gonzalaz taught “As Christ followed the Father under any circumstance, we should follow His Son. If we do so, it matters not what kind of persecution, suffering, grief, or “thorn in the flesh” ⁴ we face. We are not alone. Christ will assist us. His tender mercies will make us mighty under any circumstance. ⁵

Following Christ may mean forsaking many dear things, as Ruth the Moabite did. As a new convert, out of love for God and Naomi, she left everything behind to live her religion. ⁶

It may also mean withstanding adversity and temptation. In his youth Joseph was sold into slavery. He was taken away from everything he loved. Later he was tempted to be unchaste. He resisted the temptation and said, “How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?” ⁷ His love for God was more powerful than any adversity or temptation.”

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has also taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” ¹⁷ All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” ¹⁸ All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” ¹⁹ Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

May we make Jesus Christ and His commandments our motivator as we journey through life’s trials and accept His loving grace is my prayer. In the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Mother-heart Moments - Thank You Dear Father!

Father has given me a few power-filled moments this weekend when I felt an overwhelming gratitude for the Plan that He has for me. It is during moments like these when I am so grateful for my Saviour and His Atonement and the Ressurection.

I has been enough years since my girls passed away that sometimes I have to count to remember where we're at. It has been 4 1/2 years. And then, there are moments like the one I had yesterday during Sacrament meeting when time doesn't exist.  I was sitting there listening to the speaker when I was suddenly overcome with the feeling of an aching mother heart. In my minds eye I could see myself sitting there in a pew filled with five little bodies. My girls would be dressed in their beautiful new Easter dresses... It was so powerful I actually had to turn my head to wake myself to reality again. - Someday I will have those little girls with me ...- Someday...-  Thank you Father for the Ressurection!

That night Leif and I were visiting as we were falling asleep. Leif told me that he had a "Missing" moment that afternoon. He was watching a video on YouTube about Christ's life. Our daughter Leora is named after the story in the bible where Christ raises the little girl from the dead. He says "Talithiacumi" to the girl. This is Leora Lynn's middle name. Leif said he was filled with a longing for the girls during that video. Yes, I do find it neat and interesting that we were both overcome at most likely the same moment in time even though we were not together. I had not told Leif about my experience for fear of breaking down in tears. The tears came when he opened his heart to me. - Thank you Father for the Ressurection!

Today I spent the day cleaning and organizing our newly rearranged home. One of the main tasks that I had to tackle was to go through all of my baby clothes and items. We will not be having any more babies. Not for several years anyway. And even that is a slim chance. And if you know me at all, you know that this fact leaves me with an aching mother heart. I want more babies. But my body was not built to bring forth many babies on this earth. While going through these clothes for the last time in preparation to give them away I found myself becoming more and more heartsick about the whole thing. Luckily my precious gems came in the house to distract me and remind me of what I have in the Here and Now. Thank You Dear Father, for the Here and Now! And Thank You for Eternity!

Remembering Back: My Girls' First Birthday

I have so many things to write about tonight. I will take a minute and write down a memory.

My dear friend and fellow Angel Baby mama and I were talking yesterday. The one year mark of the birth of her Angel Baby is right around the corner. We talked about what they might do as a family to remember their little one and how she as a mother was unsure of how she would feel that day or what to expect. That afternoon I took a moment and turned back the clock four years and reflected on my girls' first birthday.

I was pregnant with Caleb (around 4 months along.) We set up the BIG ultrasound for that day. The one when you find out if you're having a boy or a girl. We went to the appointment and found out that I was having a little boy. Of course I acted brave, but I really wanted a girl. The day moved forward. I remember that it was a long day. I'm not sure what took up the bulk of the day. But we got home after dark and there on our door step was a flower arrangement for me. I was shocked to find that it was from my dear sister in law. She never fails to remember special events. She remembered my girls. One year after the loss of a baby few people are still thinking about the loss of your baby. They have moved on. It's just part of the journey. But she remembered. The flowers meant so much to me.

I remember feeling so tired that night. I threw myself on the bed and began to think. Of course I don't remember the train of thought. But I do remember the conclusion. I realized (once again) that it wasn't that I didn't want another boy, because I did. The problem was, I Wanted My Girls! I finally let the tears flow that night. The cleansing kind of tears that heal the broken heart.

That was four years ago. When I think about it I am filled with the longing for my girls, yet it feels like a dream at the same time. The love never goes away. In fact, it evolves just like the love for your living children evolves. We are now at a point as a family where the boys are old enough to understand that they have sisters. It's possible that within the next year or two we will begin to make a tradition of remembrance on the girls' birthday. Either way, they are always in my heart. When the lady at the grocery store asks if I have all boys, I smile and the moment always dictates which answer I give. But there is never a second thought in my mind. No, I have three boys and two beautiful little girls.

Happy Birthday to My Girls

Well, it's been 4 years! I can't believe it. Although, it almost feels like a lifetime ago that we went through the journey with our twins. But then again, it feels like yesterday. I can still remember so many moments and the emotions that filled them...

Jakob is old enough now to understand that he has sisters in heaven. JJ talks, coos, and even laughs a lot to the ceiling. Jakob often tells me that JJ is just talking to his friends. I asked him what he meant and he said that JJ was talking to the two girls that he played with not long ago in heaven. I reminded him that those girls are his sisters as well as JJ's sisters. A precious moment.

With that, I say, You are never far from our hearts dear little ones!

Baby Dreams

Last night was one of those nights that you wake up wondering if you slept. It's a known thing that when you're pregnant your dreams are more vivid. Last night I had an ongoing dream with several stories and one endless concern.

No matter what was happening in my dream I found myself in a panic because I couldn't find my baby. Apparently I left the baby with someone and they kept forgetting to bring the baby to me.

I only share these types of non-uplifting things "for the record." For those of us who have lost a child it is important to recognize the signs of grieving and healing. These dreams most likely stem from the loss of my friend's baby and my heart being sad for her, as well as my heart wishing I had my girls.

I have been pregnant two times since I lost the girls. Each time I have had a baby boy. After finding out that it's a boy my heart and mind have to re-register that my girls are in heaven. I NEVER not want my boy, I just always go through a time of wanting my girls TOO.

Ahh, the journey...

A Tender Reminder

When I posted yesterday I knew what my post would be about today. I knew that they may seem contradictory. They are in some ways. And then for others they fit perfectly. How could blue skies and sunshine possibly go along with the heartbreaking experience of attending the funeral for a precious baby girl who's family had to say their earthly goodbyes today?

It's hard to explain, but for someone who has gone through such an experience there are actually moments in time during the trial that the words "sunshine in my soul" might actually fit. There were moments where the feeling of our Saviors love and presence was so clear that it could be described as the warmth of the sun dispelling the heavy clouds that most surely threatened to consume my soul. As hard as today was to relive my own sorrow as well as feel the heartache of my dear friend during her loss; feeling the sunshine in my soul again was a precious reminder of the fact that though the journey may seem impossible to manage, nothing is impossible with the Lord on your side. Dear Baby Emma, thank you for this precious reminder. Oh how we wish we could learn the lessons some other way, but Father knows us perfectly of that I am sure.

EMMA JEAN

Emma Jean lived 21 miraculous days upon this earth. During this time, she managed to touch the hearts and lives of countless family members, friends, and neighbors who knew of her journey and mission upon the earth.

Emma was unconditionally loved and cared for by her parents Dustin and Amanda who rarely left Emma’s side. As well as the dedicated medical staff of the SG Hospital NICU who attended to her every need, often going the extra mile. Emma was also loved and snuggled by her three older sisters Kati, Allison, and Shelby and her Grandparents.

Emma’s life upon this earth was hard and short. However, her life with her family will be eternal. Emma lives on not only in our hearts but also in a very real place with her Father in Heaven where she continues to be surrounded by love and is patiently waiting for the time when she will live with her family again. This comforting knowledge is what will get us through the time when we are apart. Thank you sweet little Emma for sharing your precious spirit with all of us. God be with us all, til’ we meet again!

A Time to Be Grateful

Every night I crawl into bed, get settled, and then it starts. My mind begins to compose. Sometimes it's the next children's story that I want to write for my kids. Most of the time it's a blog post perfectly worded and detailed. However, it's only my mind that has the energy for such things. I have often wished that I had a small laptop computer that I could set above my pillow as I lay in bed (I sleep on my stomach) and I would type out my thoughts. The only problem is that I am not a perfected typist. I can't type without glancing at the keyboard every so often. Back in the day, I would just drag myself out of bed to my computer and be grateful in the morning to have the finished product down on paper. Not an option these days. Once I'm down, I MUST stay down. So, unfortunately the compositions are short and choppy. But, such is life. Or, as I might say on occasion "it's all about the season you're in..." Yes, the season...

Well, my heart is still weighed down with sorrow for my dear friend and her heartache. But I have found comfort through the Atonement as well as the occasional talks with her where I am able to glean from her strength. This is a precious time for her and her family. A time where the power of the Atonement is in full swing and it can be felt by all who come in contact with this dear family. They are being carried in the arms of the Savior. And they will be carried for as long as they need. Gradually, the Lord will allow them to feel the pain of their loss more prominently, but if they will stay close to Him He will never be far distant. A truly amazing experience...

So Leif and I have made a firm conclusion. This is not to be taken too seriously, yet not too lightly. I am allergic to pregnancy!:) Yes, it is true. Yes, you can laugh with me. I try to take away the edge with the humor of the statement. But in reality, it can only be true. I absolutely Love my babies. Which is why I have been pregnant 5 times. But it has become abundantly clear to me that if I had not learned from each pregnancy ways to medicate my situation, I would be utterly useless for the next nine months. So now I will take a moment and thank Father in Heaven for guiding Leif and I to all of the medications that make this possible. Thank you for making Zofran affordable enough to take two pills every day. Thank you for Phenegren every night. Thank you for Zoloft that helps me cope. Thank you for Tylenol that brings down the random fevers. Thank you for the Liver medication that will keep my liver functioning properly thus keeping me from peeling my skin off from the itching. Thank you for ultrasounds that keeps us in tune with the baby's health and well being. And thank you for everything in between!

I need to end this on a more uplifting note. My blog has been a drag lately (it always seems to mirror me. Funny how that works;) Hmmm? Let's see...

OH! I'm excited for Friday. We have a doctors appointment and we're hoping to follow tradition and find out what gender the baby is around the 13 week mark. Wish us luck! Also, I have an eventful day planned tomorrow. But I will write about that when I have more details. So, until then I will say good night!

A Season of Sorrow

I have had some of my favorite scripture verses floating through my soul for over a week now. I have pondered them. I have read them to my family during family scripture study. But today, they truly applied. "A time to be born, and a time to die... a time to weep and a time to laugh... a time to mourn, a time to heal, a time to break down... a time to embrace..."

Oh how my soul sorrows tonight on behalf of my dear friend and her precious family. She gave birth to her baby last night by emergency c-section at 38 weeks along. We celebrated and cried together this morning with the belief that surely the worst had passed. Not so... They discovered this afternoon that their baby will not survive and tonight they begin the journey of letting go... Oh how my heart aches for them.

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Three Years Have Passed

From Jakob and Rhea

I was sitting in our little nursery with the kids the other day and we were admiring the curio filled with all of the little mementos from our girls. I then realized that the anniversary of their delivery was coming up. They would have been three years old yesterday.

Time does truly heal. We still talk about the girls in one way or another on a daily basis. But the pain of their loss is not constant. I am now able to be grateful that I can raise them in a perfect world. Throughout my day yesterday I reminisced here and there about some of the memories I have of the time with my girls. I had very little time with LeOra. But I had 8 days with Rhea.

After the emergency C-section I instinctively knew that I needed to spend as much time with Rhea as I possibly could. So either I was blessed with a quick initial recovery, or I fibbed and was able to go to her hours after I delivered. That was a special day. My in-laws had come to be with us and care for Jakob. The veil between this life and the next was very thin. I remember feeling almost as if we were all in the midst of heavenly clouds. Wrapped in a peace and comfort. This was the spirit of the Lord and His comfort. My father in law tells of his experience of actually being allowed to see his mother (who had passed away years before) bringing LeOra (grandma's namesake) to visit Rhea in the NICU and then to me in my hospital bed. I can sense their presence when they are near though I have never seen them.

Yesterday I was looking through books online for the boys. I came across the original version of the book "The Little Engine That Could." That was the book that I read out loud to Rhea as she lay in the NICU. I need to buy that book...

Jakob asked the other day if he was ever able to hold Rhea. He actually held her on the day that we took her off of life support. But the picture we took of them turned out fuzzy. But the memory is clear. Jakob held her and tried to give her his binky. It was a precious time.

Though we would rather have our girls with us at this moment. It is a true blessing to know that the Lord can heal our hearts in time. I am ever grateful for this knowledge and the comfort that it brings me in this life. I look forward to the day when we will be with our girls again.

So, my sweet Rhea and LeOra. Thank you for your precious love and memories. We are doing our best to live worthy to be with you again.

From Jakob and Rhea

From Jakob and Rhea

The Journey Through Grieving

After the loss of our girls I found comfort through writing. Unfortunately I had not figured out the value of blogging at this point. So I recorded my writing on a website that I created. It is now time to close that website. So before I do I will copy a page that I wrote onto my blog for the record.

This was written around February-March of 2007:

The Journey:
Loss - Mourning - Grieving - Remembering - Living

Healthy Grieving: Never forgetting, yet always moving forward to a brighter existence. After all, I think that is what our loved ones who have passed on are doing….

I have been strengthened through my grief by my Heavenly Father, my family, and the environment I have created around me. I find ways to share my experiences and heartache. I allow the tears to flow. And I listen to my soul and go at the pace that I need to. I take in the loving words that bring me comfort, and cast out thoughts of the words from others that do not bring comfort. I pray, I ponder, and I move forward.

I deeply miss the children whom I have lost; as well as my dear grandmother, as it should be. I never forget, I just continue to walk with faith. Faith is an action word!
Late Night Thoughts Along The Way...

Some people in my life seem to think that I am perfectly okay. When in reality, I am not always Okay. This is part of the grieving process. Good, bad, and ugly days. I’m not sure why people have this perception that everything is “all better.” It is either that I am sending off false signals, that they are interpreting my signals falsely, or, they just simply don’t feel the loss anymore in their personal lives, so it no longer exists. What ever the reason, my feelings are real and grieving the loss of a child (or three) is ever present. I read this evening about this ever present grieving. It was defined as “Shadow Grieving.” That is exactly how it feels! I have also found that I can recognize the “shadow” now in other mothers who are on the same journey as I am.

So what do we do? Well, we keep walking on! We keep smiling through the tears! We stop and have a good cry and let our souls process the experience of loss! I explain those moments as if my mind is opening up the doors in a house that I once lived in one by one and reliving all of the experiences and emotions of that “room” one by one. As this process takes place, it allows my soul to heal; one room at a time, one experience at a time, or one emotion at a time.

March 2007: The night that I wrote the content of this page I was experiencing a defining moment in my grieving process and I didn't know it at the time. For several days leading up to that night my whole body had become consumed with a huge amount of physical pain from my head to the soles of my feet. I finally accepted the fact that I was in pain and I feared the worst.

That night as I was trying to fall asleep I began to allow a few memories and emotions about my loss to flow. From that moment on I cried for six hours. I cried and experienced all of the emotions that I needed to feel. The next day I was blessed with the chance to sleep the whole day. What I didn't notice until I was fully awake was the fact that the horrible pain in my body was gone! Because I had allowed my body to process all of the emotions that I was experiencing I was cleansed both physically and spiritually. Truly Amazing!

Swirling Thoughts: Inside Our World

It's no wonder that I was having tornado dreams. My mind, heart, and world have been in a whirlwind for the last week or so. This post is going to be me just pouring out the thoughts and events swirling around. Then maybe some of them can be laid to rest. So, in no particular order of importance or time, here it goes.

I am finally getting around to making our Family Prayer Rug. I am thrilled, and I will post all of the details in another post (sorry;)

For several weeks now I have had an undercurrent emotion about not having my girls. In my mind, Everyone has little girls. Please don't feel bad if you're one of the "everyone" that I'm talking about. It is nothing against you, and I'm not Angry at you for this fact. It's just a fact, you have little girls, and mine are unavailable at the moment. It's a real bummer! These emotions started to surface while we were in Brigham City (where the girls are buried.) I got out of the car at Leif's grandpas house and my eyes were drawn to the cemetery at the end of the street. Naturally my mother heart longed for the little girls whose body's lay in that cemetery. Then I went school clothes shopping with my sister in law for her daughter. It didn't take long for the emotion of it all to start bubbling inside. I would never be able to buy these cute clothes for my little girls. I decided it might be best if I stuck to looking at books for my boys (the boys clothes were no fun at that store.) Just last night I was surrounded by all of my friend's little girls. They are all beautiful and around the age that my girls would be. They are a good reminder of what I have to look forward to in the eternities. Until then, I miss them and the opportunities that would have been ours if they were here.

Jakob's a handful lately (no, always.) Not usually in a naughty or mean way, just a needy and entertain me kind of way. This is already wearisome for me, and then I ended up with an unexpected turn of events. For the last week or so I started noticing a pattern. Every time I thought about the fact that Jakob would be starting kindergarten I was overwhelmed by a dark cloud, a feeling I could not ignore. I finally talked to Leif about it. I was surprised by this feeling because I have been thrilled and looking forward to Jakob going to school. In fact, we were going to have him go to kindergarten and preschool to give me more time in the day and him more schooling. So when I started feeling like I needed to reconsider the plan, it has thrown me off a bit.

I need to explain our schooling situation where we live. We live in a very small community. I wish I knew the numbers. But the fact that Jakob's whole kindergarten program alone would have less then 30 kid's in it might tell you something. Another indication of the size is the fact that several grades in elementary only have ONE teacher for the Whole grade. Basically, when the kid's start out in kindergarten together they continue through school all together until they graduate high school. Leif's graduating class was less then 30 kid's (that's the WHOLE senior class.) So that gives you an idea of the numbers. Because of the low numbers of student's the budget for the teachers is low. But one of the main struggles that faces the school is the low morale of the students and parents that then rubs off on the teachers and administration. Now, this of course is up for debate constantly in the town and it depends on who you talk to whether things are good or not. But in my opinion, things are not good. Leif and I had originally decided to just pay attention to our children and give them extra help and resources for learning as they needed it. But now, we feel that the best option for us will probably be home schooling. At the moment, it seems a daunting option. But I think it will work out well. There are actually several families in our area who are going to home school and we'll set up a co-op so we can meet together often for fun learning. Jakob will also be involved in the community with dance, T-Ball, church, and whatever else comes up. So he won't be lacking for social interaction any more then he already is. Now, I just have to come up with a plan for the future. I have a few ideas. I'll keep you posted on this.

The reason this is such a daunting idea is because I already struggle with making the sacrifice necessary to meet my children's needs. I have concluded that I am selfish, plain and simple. It is TRUE! I constantly have one thing or another that I want to work on. A blog subject here, a rag rug there, a great book here, an email there. There is always Something that I would rather spend my time doing other then sitting on the floor building a train track. Some mother's are gifted with the art of PLAYING, I am Not. I love to read stories. If I take a moment with the kids, it most likely involves reading a story. However, I MUST change this within myself. I know this passion is within me, to play and explore life and learning along side my children. I just have to tell myself it is time, and DO IT! I think the easiest way for me to accomplish this will be to create a semblance of structure for our day. Not necessarily a rigid structure. But if I have a handful of ideas of things to do each day, I will be able to stay entertained. Yes, I said I will stay entertained. At this point, Jakob is fighting for my attention constantly. If I just surrender my time, he will be entertained and if I plan ahead I will be entertained. Pray with me that it works...

Caleb is a Busy Boy! Jakob has successfully taught him how to throw a fit. Luckily, I've seen worse. But it's still a bummer! I need to find him more age appropriate toys and books. He and Jakob are quite different in their interests at this age. Caleb enjoys more hands on, real life toys. Where Jakob enjoyed books and simplified things. Caleb is sitting next to me talking on my cell phone. He is a Precious little man! He has discovered his stacking toys. I need to find more things like that... Caleb has been fed more sugar in the last three months then Jakob was given in his first two years of life. The PediaSure drinks are PACKED with Sugar. Now that he will eat more food because of his teeth we're cutting back the PediaSures and encouraging whole milk and formula, along with Food, Food, Food.

Young Women's is overwhelming at times. We really need to find a way to revive the girls' enthusiasm...

Leif, ahhh Leif... Well, he's done with Summer semester classes. Fall classes start in a week or so. During his short break he's hoping to add on to our existing chicken coop and begin building another chicken coop. There is a Very Rare breed of chicken that has been brought into the US that Leif is hoping to breed and sell. People are paying A LOT of money for the rare birds. It's pretty amazing. So, that's his latest project. When it comes to employment, the school called him and offered him a job. Leif quit last year because of the 20 credit hours in school he'll be working on in the Fall. But the school has several positions they need filled and they offered (well, it's not official yet, but soon will be) a position working with the in-school suspension kids. This will give Leif the time he'll need to do his homework throughout the day along with his job duties. So we'll see how that goes. He will also be working again with Coconino Community College as their F(our town) representative. So, once again Leif will be a VERY Busy man this year. But we'll manage. I want to help Leif with some idea we've had with his church calling as well. He is the children's primary music chorister. The Sacrament meeting program is coming up, I hope to help him find some posters or flip-charts to help the kids learn the words to the songs. He has done an amazing job so far. He focuses a lot of his Sundays teaching the kids the principles and meaning behind the words to the songs. But it is difficult to help the kids memorize the words to the songs when they're only practicing once a week. So I hope I can help him find what he needs...

The garden has flourished this year. It is no thanks to me. I have weeded the thing a total of two or three times this season. Leif on the other hand has watered it daily and nourished it to fruitation. We recently harvested the garlic:) That is exciting! The potatoes are going to be Wonderful! We picked a few and fried them up with a couple of onions we harvested as well. The tomatoes are still keeping us hopeful. Now the squash, that's a different story. We get squash bugs every year. Eventually, they always end up taking over the squash. Next year, we're not planting squash. Oh! We had a good crop of beets this year too. I've made a cake with them so far that was delicious. And I hope to continue experimenting with beet recipes for the next little while.

Our house is cozy as ever. Sprinkled in through my contentment in our situation is an occasional day dream of how we could build on to the barn (our home) to make things more spacious, or heaven forbid move in to another place. But in all honesty, I just don't want to go anywhere else right now. Sure I'd love a wall to my bedroom and an office. But for now, I'll settle for the makeshift bathtub that we're going to install. Now that is going to be interesting... Just wait for the pictures!

Me? Well, just read what I wrote up to this point and you'll find me. This is my world. I really do love it. Along with all of this, I have a love for reading good books. I don't mean good like WOW that was a great Story! I mean, WOW that changed my life type book. If I start reading a novel and I realize that it will not uplift me in any positive way, then I can't waste my precious time reading it. If I am going to make the sacrifice to read, I must get something from the book in return. I love Anita Stansfield because her books teach me through incredible stories. I love historical fiction novels as well. I love to learn about the lessons of the past and how I can apply them to my every day life. Those are Lena type books...

Life is swirling, rolling, evolving, growing, Good!