Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Leaving Them Behind but Inviting Them Near

I didn't think it would really matter... But now I know it does because the tears have began to flow, and that is rare, indeed.  Last night I dreamed about abandoned babies at a store that turned out to be broken pieces of a doll or small decorated kidney beans. In the dream I really wanted to keep "the babies" all for myself. I woke up with my first thought being about the rose bushes growing outside in our front yard.  I wonder what will happen to them?

This is the jumbled emotions of my Mother Heart trying to process the reality that I must leave. I will leave with three of my children and I will have to leave my girls and their hallowed ground here, creating even more distance between us then there has already been. For some reason it has become hard and sad.

To get through the aching lump in my throat that has surprised me throughout the day I start to day dream about the memorial that we will build again for our girls. Everywhere we go their is always a place for them. Our landing place when we get to Missouri won't be where we will set down roots. But it will be a special home for our family, owned by family.  I am hoping they won't mind if we put a little garden together in my girls honor. A place where I can nurture and beautify and ponder the journey of life. Some day I hope to have a place with two cherub angels statues and maybe even a bench to sit in and teach my boys about their sisters and the lessons that they taught us during their short but profound life. To everything there is a season.

This is a season that has been long awaited and carries many beautiful changes and treasures. And yes, some very sad and difficult changes as well. I didn't think this would be one of them. But I was wrong. The power of a Mother's Love is still surprising to me. And what is more surprising is how, some how, we carry on.


Melissa F said...

I was reading about John Quincy Adams wife not long ago. He was the first US Ambassador to Russia. She did not enjoy her time here, she left her older children in America and only brought her baby. While here she had another baby that passed away. Even though she hated it here when their assignment ended years later it was so hard for her to leave because she had to leave her deceased baby. I have always heard the pioneer stories of moving on leaving their children on the trail, but somehow being here in Russia John Quincy's wife was more real. It tugged at my heart strings so much. A Mother's Heart is a powerful thing.

Heidi Hamilton said...

I am sorry I haven't been good on commenting on your blog lately, Lena. I have loved all the posts you've been doing and have pondered them in my heart.

I loved this one. My heart breaks with you. It is an entirely new world now that I have a child's body buried in the ground. I don't want to leave him. That would be so hard to leave their graves & live so far away. I am so sorry.

I just also noticed that the day Rhea died is 6 years EXACTLY to the day that Link was born. Coincidence? I'm thinking not.

I love that picture with the shadows. We need to do one like that. Love it.

Love you.

Sandra said...

I think the flower garden is a great idea and I doubt they will mind.

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