Tuesday, October 23, 2012

NICU Dream - Searching

I had a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) dream this afternoon during nap time. It felt so real and so Intense! It's been six years this week since my first daughter passed away. My second passed away a couple weeks later. It usually ends up that I have at least one Baby Loss dream each year. This dream was different then any of the others I have had before.

It started with Leif and I on a vacation somewhere. We were waking up and I turned to him and said, "don't you think we should go see the baby?" I was surprised and worried at the fact that we had a baby in the NICU and we weren't right by HIS side. I was suddenly filled with anxiety and an urgency to get to the hospital to see our son. I was filled with a frustration because I didn't feel like Leif was in a hurry to get there.  Suddenly, we were standing in front of Leif's grandparents home in Brigham City. My family was there with us and we were all getting ready to go to the hospital. I realized at that moment that we were going to need a temporary place to live. I turned to Leif and asked him if the house was vacant. He said it was. I broke down sobbing with gratitude for the blessing and Leif just held me. My family headed to the hospital and Leif and I started driving to the hospital as well. However, I was in the back seat of the car and suddenly I realized that the car was driving crazy and Leif was not in the drivers seat. I climbed up front and started to drive and out of my window I could see that there was an accident across the street. Leif had jumped out of the car as an EMT. I was FURIOUS!!!!

We finally made it to the hospital and I was overwhelmed because I couldn't believe we were going through another NICU experience. Everything looked so familiar.  I pulled Leif aside and started listing all that we HAD to do this time to show our faith in God, so he would let our baby live. I was crying as I told him we had to read our scriptures morning and night, pray, and fast. I told him these are things I regret not doing last time. I felt like I needed to convince him that this was important. (I felt such a urgency to get to the baby at this point.) We kept trying to get the nurses to show us where to go. In the mean time we were discussing names Tyson, Joshua, Benjamin, or all of them. Then we found out that my dad had gone in to the baby with Leif's brother Eric and gave the baby a blessing. Again, I was furious. Why hadn't they waited for us!?

FINALLY, we got a nurse to show us where we were supposed to go. But as we were walking someone stepped in between Leif and I and I couldn't see Leif any more. When my view was clear, Leif was nowhere to be seen. He had gone in without me. I was in a panic. I couldn't find my way around no matter how I tried or who I asked. All the while I just felt so confused and a longing to simply get to my baby...

I never found Leif or my baby. When I was wound up enough in my dream my mind kept telling me that I was dreaming and I just needed to wake up. I kept trying and trying to wake up, knowing that in real life I needed to wake up and pick up Jakob and Caleb from school. Finally, the phone rang in my real world and I was pulled awake.. . Leif was calling to give me Jakob's MRI results.

It was a very tale-telling dream. One that dug deep into my mind and heart...

1 comment:

Harmony said...

We've been thinking of you this month. We have been praying for Jacob every day. Hope his results are good.

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