Monday, October 12, 2009

The Journey Through Grieving

After the loss of our girls I found comfort through writing. Unfortunately I had not figured out the value of blogging at this point. So I recorded my writing on a website that I created. It is now time to close that website. So before I do I will copy a page that I wrote onto my blog for the record.

This was written around February-March of 2007:

The Journey:
Loss - Mourning - Grieving - Remembering -

Healthy Grieving: Never forgetting, yet always moving forward to a brighter existence. After all, I think that is what our loved ones who have passed on are doing….

I have been strengthened through my grief by my Heavenly Father, my family, and the environment I have created around me. I find ways to share my experiences and heartache. I allow the tears to flow. And I listen to my soul and go at the pace that I need to. I take in the loving words that bring me comfort, and cast out thoughts of the words from others that do not bring comfort. I pray, I ponder, and I move forward.

I deeply miss the children whom I have lost; as well as my dear grandmother, as it should be. I never forget, I just continue to walk with faith. Faith is an action word!
Late Night Thoughts Along The Way...

Some people in my life seem to think that I am perfectly okay. When in reality, I am not always Okay. This is part of the grieving process. Good, bad, and ugly days. I’m not sure why people have this perception that everything is “all better.” It is either that I am sending off false signals, that they are interpreting my signals falsely, or, they just simply don’t feel the loss anymore in their personal lives, so it no longer exists. What ever the reason, my feelings are real and grieving the loss of a child (or three) is ever present. I read this evening about this ever present grieving. It was defined as “Shadow Grieving.” That is exactly how it feels! I have also found that I can recognize the “shadow” now in other mothers who are on the same journey as I am.

So what do we do? Well, we keep walking on! We keep smiling through the tears! We stop and have a good cry and let our souls process the experience of loss! I explain those moments as if my mind is opening up the doors in a house that I once lived in one by one and reliving all of the experiences and emotions of that “room” one by one. As this process takes place, it allows my soul to heal; one room at a time, one experience at a time, or one emotion at a time.

March 2007: The night that I wrote the content of this page I was experiencing a defining moment in my grieving process and I didn't know it at the time. For several days leading up to that night my whole body had become consumed with a huge amount of physical pain from my head to the soles of my feet. I finally accepted the fact that I was in pain and I feared the worst.

That night as I was trying to fall asleep I began to allow a few memories and emotions about my loss to flow. From that moment on I cried for six hours. I cried and experienced all of the emotions that I needed to feel. The next day I was blessed with the chance to sleep the whole day. What I didn't notice until I was fully awake was the fact that the horrible pain in my body was gone! Because I had allowed my body to process all of the emotions that I was experiencing I was cleansed both physically and spiritually. Truly Amazing!


Harmony said...

You've been on such a journey these past years. I truly admire your courage to share this processes and reach out to others that they may know that they are not alone in their thoughts. May the Lord continue to bless you for it and others through you.

Patricia Potts said...

beautiful testimony!!

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