A Few Deep Thoughts

It's one of those nights. Part of me actually enjoys these moments, and the rest of me just wants to sleep. JJ feels the need to be held as he falls into a deeper sleep tonight. So instead of vegging in front of the computer and surfing the Internet. I tied JJ onto me with one of the wraps that my dear friend Harmony made me, and I am FINALLY blogging... Now, what to blog about?

I have so many thoughts and stories that come throughout the day and I tell myself to remember to blog about them. But I rarely do. I'm So ready for bed these days. Part of me has avoided writing my thoughts down lately. Some of them are deep and personal. I know, you're thinking "well that hasn't stopped you before..." And you're right.

When JJ was a month old or so, I started having my familiar reoccurring dreams again. I dream that I have a baby that I need to feed and care for and I can't get to it. This round of dreams the baby was a little girl and I had always left her with someone or some place and then I couldn't get back to her for some reason. The thing that was different with these dreams from others that I've had is that the baby never died in these recent dreams.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "uhh, yeah Lena, your brain is just processing the baby that you have now." The thing is, that's not who the dreams are about. And I don't think they're about my girls this time either. I think my heart is sad and processing the fact that JJ will most likely, almost positively, be our last baby that I give birth to. Can you tell that this is a hard thing for me to finalize? Watching JJ grow so quickly and watching Leif and the boys interact with him, not to mention how much I love having a baby, it makes it VERY hard to say that I'm done.

I went to my 6 week post partum appointment and the Dr. agreed that it is probably best if I don't have any more. That coming from a man who's wife has given birth to at least 9 children. But my body has never done pregnancy well. It's a very sad truth.

Which leads me to a different thought... Adoption. Up until recently I didn't think that I would ever really be open to adoption in the future. But I've come to the conclusion that I probably will if the opportunity is given. I would hope for a little girl, straight from the hospital so that I could bond with her from the very beginning of her life. I wonder if that is part of my dreams too. My mind and heart processing the possibility that my future babies will come from someone else... It's been on my mind enough to make it into my dreams... interesting thought.

And finally, the other personal dilemma that I'm struggling with is lack of exercise and ridiculous weight fluctuations. It's driving me crazy! One week one set of clothes will fit, the next I can't button them up. I'm getting tired of it.

So those are some of my deeper ponderings throughout my days. However, for the most part I'm just enjoying and taking care of the moment. Changing lots of diapers, loving the smiles and coos from JJ, the new words from Caleb, school adventures with Jakob, and a few quiet moments with Leif. So, truthfully, at the end of the day Life is Still Good!

Tornado Dreams

My dreams have been perplexing the last couple of days. I can only remember the dreams that take place towards dawn, around 4-8AM but they have all had a similar theme. In one dream I was trying to convince my mother in law that the wing of an airplane (that looked like a replica of the airplane the Wright Brother's flew) was not a safe place for Caleb to be strapped to. I was So Angry! No one understood why I was so upset, not even my grandmother (who randomly showed up in the dream.) Very Strange Dream. I'm pretty sure I had a tornado dream that night as well. Last night I definitely had a tornado dream. I was in a house and I looked out the window just as three tornadoes were forming out of the sky. Again I was with my MIL and another little girl. We had to climb under a tiny table for protection and I was frantically praying out loud as the tornado hit because I knew that Caleb was in the next room and I feared the worst and prayed for a miracle. I ran in the room and he was perfectly fine. However, there were two litters of puppies in the room and some of them were fine and some were not.

The last few nights have been strange to say the least... I'm trying to figure out where these dreams are coming from... Any thoughts?

At the moment I am thinking baby loss dreams, combined with the fact that Caleb isn't feeling well and I must have been pondering that, What my mother in law has to do with anything I have no idea. Maybe I feel like I just want to live in a bubble and raise my kids without feeling the need to please the people around me. Maybe she represents many people in my life, people I naturally seek approval from. Possibly??

Reoccurring Dreams

My friend Heidi wrote about a reoccurring nightmare that she keeps having. I told her that I have a similar dream, and that I would write about it. I actually have a few reoccurring dreams. When Leif and I got married I started to pay attention more to my dreams. I noticed my nightmares a lot more, probably because I had someone to snuggle with and find comfort from after waking from the nightmare. Over the five years that we've been married I have 4 different reoccurring nightmare themes.

The most common nightmare theme is a dream that ends with a horrible argument between my mother and I. The context of the dream changes but the theme is always conflict and sadness. My mother and I often viciously tell each other that we hate each other. I usually end up going back to her and taking my words back. Other times I just plead to know why I am hated so much. It sounds terrible, I know. They are often very disturbing. I pray that they will go away...

The second most common theme revolves around the last days of my senior year in high school. It's the end of the last semester of my senior year. I have skipped so many classes that I can't even remember my schedule, let alone where the classes are located. I have to find a way to get the office ladies to reissue me my schedule so I can try to save myself from not graduating from high school. Sometimes the dream ends with that frustration. Sometimes it continues and I am not able to graduate and I have to go through different scenarios of telling people that I won't be walking with my class in graduation.

The next dream revolves around Leif. Whenever I have this dream the story of the dream is different, but I am always trying to reach Leif on my cellphone. I can't get hold of him. My phone is broken, or I can't remember the phone number, or he just doesn't answer the phone.

The fourth and final nightmare stems from the loss of my twins. In this dream I have given birth to a baby. But somehow I have forgotten to nurse the baby. After hours of forgetting to care for the baby, I frantically and hysterically search for the baby. When I find the baby it is no longer living.... Such a bizarre dream!

Reasons for these nightmares?

I can't tell you every reason. But the obvious reason to me are:

First dream: My mother and I fought viciously when I was growing up. It was very traumatic for me and obviously had a serious impact on my subconscious self.

Second Dream: Well, I skipped class a lot in high school. I graduated because of the mercy of my sign language teacher passing me when I should have failed. I think that affected me. I also liked the thoughts that my friend Heidi had about the fact that I might be feeling unprepared for something in my real world.

Third dream: Leif and I joke that I probably have that dream when I want to snuggle with Leif but I'm too asleep to wake up enough to roll over and snuggle:) It might also stem from the horrible fear that I have of losing Leif.

Fourth dream: This one is obvious. When I lost the twins, one of the hardest things physically was having to stop the production of breast milk. It really affected me psychologically. I think now that I am nursing Caleb, my subconscious mind sometimes tries to alert me that I have other babies that I should have nursed and cared for.

What an interesting world our dreams create.