Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Few Deep Thoughts

It's one of those nights. Part of me actually enjoys these moments, and the rest of me just wants to sleep. JJ feels the need to be held as he falls into a deeper sleep tonight. So instead of vegging in front of the computer and surfing the Internet. I tied JJ onto me with one of the wraps that my dear friend Harmony made me, and I am FINALLY blogging... Now, what to blog about?

I have so many thoughts and stories that come throughout the day and I tell myself to remember to blog about them. But I rarely do. I'm So ready for bed these days. Part of me has avoided writing my thoughts down lately. Some of them are deep and personal. I know, you're thinking "well that hasn't stopped you before..." And you're right.

When JJ was a month old or so, I started having my familiar reoccurring dreams again. I dream that I have a baby that I need to feed and care for and I can't get to it. This round of dreams the baby was a little girl and I had always left her with someone or some place and then I couldn't get back to her for some reason. The thing that was different with these dreams from others that I've had is that the baby never died in these recent dreams.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, "uhh, yeah Lena, your brain is just processing the baby that you have now." The thing is, that's not who the dreams are about. And I don't think they're about my girls this time either. I think my heart is sad and processing the fact that JJ will most likely, almost positively, be our last baby that I give birth to. Can you tell that this is a hard thing for me to finalize? Watching JJ grow so quickly and watching Leif and the boys interact with him, not to mention how much I love having a baby, it makes it VERY hard to say that I'm done.

I went to my 6 week post partum appointment and the Dr. agreed that it is probably best if I don't have any more. That coming from a man who's wife has given birth to at least 9 children. But my body has never done pregnancy well. It's a very sad truth.

Which leads me to a different thought... Adoption. Up until recently I didn't think that I would ever really be open to adoption in the future. But I've come to the conclusion that I probably will if the opportunity is given. I would hope for a little girl, straight from the hospital so that I could bond with her from the very beginning of her life. I wonder if that is part of my dreams too. My mind and heart processing the possibility that my future babies will come from someone else... It's been on my mind enough to make it into my dreams... interesting thought.

And finally, the other personal dilemma that I'm struggling with is lack of exercise and ridiculous weight fluctuations. It's driving me crazy! One week one set of clothes will fit, the next I can't button them up. I'm getting tired of it.

So those are some of my deeper ponderings throughout my days. However, for the most part I'm just enjoying and taking care of the moment. Changing lots of diapers, loving the smiles and coos from JJ, the new words from Caleb, school adventures with Jakob, and a few quiet moments with Leif. So, truthfully, at the end of the day Life is Still Good!

1 comment:

Heidi Hamilton said...

Wow - yeah! WAY deep thinking there Lena!
I'll admit that it surprises me in a way that you're done - I've always seen you having like 10 kids :) Probably because you are such a good momma & always been so good with kids. Adoption can be a wonderful thing & I could see you doing that, too. Definitely major decisions ahead for you - and I'm excited to see what your future holds :)

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