A Silent Thief

My last post was a Family Update. While writing I said there was still a lot happening "In between the lines." I thought I'd write about some of those things.

Today I emailed and talked with Caleb's teacher and the Special Ed teacher. We've met several times and updates and game planning is not unusual with us. Today we talked about medication. A couple months ago Caleb got to a point where he would gradually get madder and madder (mostly when he didn't get his way.) and he started throwing things (canned food, chairs, scissors, etc.) being hurtful and destructive. We finally had to ask for medication until we can get in to see other specialists with other ideas. Problem is, the meds help for a little while and then we have to adjust them. But they make him tired if there's too much and yada yada yada. So we are working on finding a good dose and a steady plan.

It makes us sad when we see him asleep from medication...  But we know the alternative and that is Really Sad too! Especially because we know the fun, silly, happy, smile and light that Caleb is most of the time. It's like a battle to keep that light. Like something is trying to steal it away... It's Really Scary!

We also talked about tinted glasses to block out florescent lights, headphones and earmuffs to block out hums and chatter, coats becoming wings, car seat options for bus rides, and the Daunting Task of behavior modification, not just life skills training.

This morning I worked through waves of powerful fatigue and put dinner in the crock pot. It made a huge difference in our evening. My plan from now on will be to feed the boys dinner right when they get home from school at 4:00. From there, Caleb and I will go right outside. I have no idea how we're going to survive the winter... But I'll focus on Now. Being outside in nature is Caleb's element, it's therapy for him. And he craves having "jobs". So every day he runs out to gather the eggs. I am going to add the task of going (with me) to gather the mail. Then we'll walk around the Ranch to make sure everything is in check. Today we ended up walking completely around the Pond, behind the Arena where we daydreamed about where we would house different animals if we could, and then we looped through the side yard and filled in a hole that's been waiting to be filled with dirt for over a month. By the time we got home everyone was ready for a quiet moment. Within ten minutes I found all of the boys in the living room sitting on the couches reading books. - Peaceful sigh - .

I won't shatter the moment with details of Caleb and JJ suddenly coming up missing after the sun went down and then showing up with a flashlight and a grin, "we just wanted to see who was at The Barns," he says.  Grrr! Okay, I shared the details. The thing was, I wouldn't have even know they were missing if the door wasn't left wide open. I thought they were upstairs! Note to Self: We need door sensor chimes.

There is still so much more I could write about. And I want to because it helps me process things and be able to recall them later. But I am so tired.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm Tired.  So I will say good night for now.

This Is My Life ... This Is Our Life

I'm really tired tonight. Deeply Tired. My life feels bizarre lately. Sometimes I just hope I haven't truly become the hypochondriac I felt like as a child. I rarely mention my childhood on my blog. In fact, it's the ONLY thing that I have never talked about on my blog. I just haven't wanted to make waves. To hurt feelings... To go too deep. We have grown up since then. Moved on. Lived, and Learned. Forgiven... and tried to forget. Well, some of us have. Bless you for this ability. I have tried so hard. I think I will get to this point one day. Especially as I raise my children. It helps me understand where my parents may have been coming from. Why they just didn't seem to get it. To get me. And why I just could not get them. I see more clearly now how we all have our struggles. Our Oddities. Empathy is a beautiful thing. Christ has Empathy. I am striving for this understanding. This Love.

Honestly, I had no idea that I was going to write what I just wrote when I sat down. As I said, I am deeply tired. My children are growing up so fast. Every day flies by. By baby is growing up and this makes me sad. But most of the time I am so grateful for the speed. Just to get through Leif's schooling, this time alone. That is the current light at the end of the struggle. But I am no longer naive enough to believe that life will suddenly turn blissfully easy the day after his graduation. It will just be a different Great and a different Hard. And a different Journey. Looking back at the latest Lesson. And ever-Challenging.

My days seem to be filled with so many strange things. I feel like it has all come on within this last month. I have no idea why I feel this way. This has always been our life: Children making amazing patterns and stacks with their toys, waking up throughout the night screaming in terror only to have no memory of the chaos in the morning, and sleep walking. My children covering their ears when they hear a vacuum, passing out from a skinned knee, and shrieking at the sound of a violin are just things we plan ahead for and warn teachers about. The reality that my children prefer a WWII documentary over Disney and that one child will go into hysterics while watching the Backyardigan's is just our family's normal.

Saying things like "Find your space!" -  "Don't lick the remote!" -  "Watch out for the cart!" - "Have your taste buds changed?" -  "Don't climb on their couch!" - "Sometimes the answer is No, and that's OK." - "Yes, there are two light bulbs." - "Yes, there are two... two... two..." - "Oh yes, actually I can hear..." - "We have to wash your hair!" - "Remember there are right and wrong times to keep telling your story or ideas, this is the WRONG time!" - "Go jump on the trampoline!" - "OK, you need a drink, so you?..." - "Listen to your body." - "No, I don't know the size of a queen bee." - "I'm sorry the toilet might be dirty, it is the only one there and you need to use it." -  "Go play a game in your head." - "Find your teachers voice." - "Turn the game (in your head ) off!" - "Get off the table!" - "Plans Change, and that's OK!" - "Sit in your chair!" - "You have to count down before you hit lift off." - "Are you with me?"  "Did you really chew up that toy?"

This is my life. Every Day!  And so much more.

Despite the challenges and the strangeness of my life I have found that I love my children more and more every day. I see now that I have been prepared for this calling as their mother for as long as I can remember.    They are mine, and I am theirs. And this is our life.