Deep Thoughts From My Mother Heart

I have started a blog where I write my deepest thoughts. Thoughts that I don't really care to share with the world. Some of the thoughts that I have tonight might fit into that category. However, I just think I will ramble tonight and maybe if any of you feel you have wisdom or insight that might help me, feel free to share.

As a whole, I am doing great! Tonight, I write when I am tired. So don't fear that I am overcome with weariness. It's just that the kids are asleep and I have a moment to process the thoughts and emotions rolling around in my soul. I sure wish the timer would ring and the rolling would stop... Anyway, I guess I should get to the point. My thoughts...

How is it possible for one to throw herself on the couch in exasperated frustration because of the kids and their naughty antics, ponder how she can possibly muster the energy to refrain from raising her voice at them one more time, and at the very same moment be pondering whether or not it is time for another baby, and actually WANT another baby!? And how is it possible for this same mother to be at her wits end with the kids, ponder the thought of another baby, and want TWINS on top of that!? I think I'm going insane!

I have dreamed that I am giving birth to twins several times in the last week. Last night I delivered a healthy boy and a girl. Yes, this desire for twins definitely stems from the twins that I have already delivered. Do I think that I will be satisfied with another set of twins? I have absolutely NO Idea. All I know is that there is a part of me that is obsessed with the idea of having another set of twins. Leif and I have discussed it many times, trying to figure out why I would be crazy enough to even ponder the thought. We've concluded that it's a subconscious longing that has moved into my conscious mind. For a few reasons having twins would be good. The main reason being that I would have two children and only one pregnancy. However, there are many obvious reasons why having twins would be, insane? Ludicrous? Difficult? Uhh, yeah. So, why can't I get rid of the desire? Now days, having twins isn't as spontaneous as it used to be. With modern medicine and the knowledge of the "right" herbal concoctions, having multiples is not a far fetched idea or impossibility. This does not help my struggle. So what am I going to do? I'm going to talk to my doctor. If I'm lucky, he'll help me understand the risks that my body might face if I conceive twins again. At the very least, he'll share some wisdom and compassion with me...

I think this thought is enough for one night. The others are just the usual gripes I have about public school. Although I do have a question for you more experienced mothers. Tell me, how often did/do your kindergartners come home from school with workbook pages as the school work they did in school, and then more workbook pages to complete at home for homework? Jakob has ONLY brought home workbook pages. You know, the "circle the cat on the top shelf" type pages. Am I wrong for expecting more from Jakob's teacher?

By the way: Caleb's walking, how sweet is that!? He still looses his balance every once in a while. But he's on his feet most of the time now:) Precious Times!

Five Years Old - Kindergarten - and Walking

Five years ago tonight I went to bed pondering the wondrous reality that I would be giving birth to my first child in the morning. Tonight I ponder the fact that my first child will turn five years old tomorrow and enter the real world of Kindergarten...

I honestly don't remember Jakob ever being quite so all consumingly animated, talkative, and excited. We read a lot today. By 7:45PM we had even read all of the letters that Jakob's new teacher wrote to ME. He wanted to hear every word and vowed that he would be the BEST Kindergartner EVER! He talked about all of the ways he was going to help the teacher - which included him bringing pennies for each of the good kids so the teacher didn't have to use hers, how he was going to "make" his new friends make good choices, how much he loved his new shoes even though they didn't flash, how he hoped that everything they talked about would be about dinosaurs or jets -and if they weren't he would ask if he could go to the library to find the "right books." He must still be talking to himself after we've tucked him in for bed because Lady is barking and she only barks at night if he's talking. I gave him a calming herbal remedy so he will actually fall asleep tonight.

Ahhh, he's growing up... sometimes it is such a joy to have a little mind with a mouth to sit and jabber with about the simple wonders of the world. Then at times it is as if someone has jumped inside that little mind and he would rather blow me up with his "pretend" missiles that are filled with his Anger then sit with me at all. We know he is angry because he'll stomp around and yell, "I'm ANGRY!"... Well, at least he uses his words, huh? There is a reason Jakob's blog is titled Mama's Echo... How can I blame him?

Leif gave Jakob a father's blessing tonight. Jakob was beaming after the blessing. He was told that if he would be strengthened physically so he could consistently go to school. He was told that he would be protected while traveling to and from school and while at school. He was told that he would make good friends who would help him feel good and he would help them feel good about themselves. He was also told that if he was ever scared or needed help he could always pray and Father would let him know what was right by giving him a good happy feeling about the "right" decision. In reality, this blessing was also for Jakob's Mama;) I am so very grateful for the power of the priesthood and my husband who willingly serves our family by sharing the blessings with us. All will be well...

My Caleb is moving forward as well. We were at Leif's sisters house last night and all of the sudden Caleb stood himself up and walked. I knew that it would literally be as simple as a choice. He walked several more times that night and a few today. I'm sure he'll be on his feet permanently by next week. It's amazing what can take place in just one day... Caleb hasn't said any real words up to this point. I know they're in there, especially Mama and Papa when he's waking up in the morning. But this morning we all swear that he consciously said AMEN after the prayer on the breakfast. Now that is an interesting first word...