Pray for our future leadership

Today I watched the first episode of the documentary series called WWII IN COLOR ROAD TO VICTORY. As I listened to the story of Winston Churchill and the miracle of Dunkirk, my mind naturally reflected on the current war. Which I believe is only the beginning of a greater war. 

First, I reflected on the current troop numbers in the current war. And the total casualties up to now. Not to demean them in any way; but the number of troops gathered at Dunkirk and the number of casualties they had up to that point is unfathomable to us in this generation. We're talking, half a MILLION troops, killed in only the beginning of the war. That is something I pray that we won't have face again.

The next thing that came to me was the two types of leadership that were working on laying out a plan that they each thought was the right path. Halifax, ready to surrender and have "peace talks" which very likely would not ultimately bring peace to the lives of the Britain's. And then Churchhill, the believer and the Never Surrender leader who inspired the nation to press forward to Victory. 

We have two years until the United States holds their next presidential election. My overwhelming feeling is that our nation needs to become united in prayer in preparation for that election. Not praying for a certain person or party. But specifically praying that through the inspired election process and the freedom for the people to choose, simply pray that God will place to leader whose destiny it is to lead our country with honor, intelligence, wisdom gained through experience, courage, and determination.

I Pray

I turned off the news for a couple of weeks. The pain and heaviness that I felt for the children of Ukraine was too heavy and I could do Nothing but pray for them. I literally had to pray to Father to sever the cord of feeling and empathy I was feeling. So that I could find some peace and step away for a while. He absolutely did that for me. It was a clear difference. Although I did have several dreams about children I was searching for. Trains. Mass destruction and fast and furious retreats. So obviously I still feel something. 

This week Russia pulled out of the North cities that they were devastating for the last month. They're regrouping and going to move to the East. They couldn't take Kiev like they'd hoped. But the absolute horror of what they left behind in the towns is as powerful and as barbaric as the atrocities done during WWII. We're talking executions, mass graves, and the unimaginable; mobile crematorium.

Today the Russian's fired a missile into a train station in the East where people were trying to evaluate before being invaded. Why they've waited until now? Leif and I wonder.🤔 Honestly, today's attack could have been so much worse! I pray none of the trains are taken out. 

My brother Jason has a long distance girlfriend who lives in Odesa in the South. CNN just said that today there were three attacks there. The beginning in that area. I wonder how she and her family are...?

It's all a horrible feeling of helplessness. Not being part of the leadership who make the decisions on how to help. Or, IF to help. It's a horrible feeling. 

I ask myself and God what I can do to help.  The impression I get is that there will be a time in the future when I might be able to physically help. But for now, my charge is to build strong men who can go out and succeed despite the world chaos that they will undoubtedly face. Let alone the fact that they will also have a family to care for. I pray now for their future wife's. I pray that they are being prepared and taught how to remain strong through mighty storms. ... I Pray.

For The Record: Ukraine and Russia Update

Estonian Soldier Reports

24 Months Since the Pandemic Began

This is a well done consolidation of the story within the Pandemic. There is A Lot more that isn't it it. But they did a good job catching a glimps.

24 Months That Changed The World 20/20 Special

2022 Russia Invasion Of Ukraine

Looking Back and Forth at History

Lately I've been thinking a lot about history. Personal history, world history, family history. And I've determined that, in fact, hindsight is 20/20. 

We've pulled out our Save boxes that were stored in MO for the last ten years. Pulling out things I haven't looked at in decades. My grandma's recipe drawer that I took when she died. My many many journals and photo albums from my childhood and youth. Mission photos. ( I haven't pulled out mission journals yet.) But the experience has been eye opening. A remembrance. A lesson about myself and some weaknesses I still carry with me to this day. And a reminder of how deeply and personally I lived with the Spirit when I was young. 

I'm going to figure out a way the fix some of my weaknesses. 

RUSSIA vs UKRAINE 

The Russian president, Putin, is stiring things up in the east again. He did this in 2014. Lined up along the border of Russia and Ukraine, pumping his chest. Invading just enough to take back a portion of Ukraine that he really wanted. He got everyone in the world riled up and on alert for war for months. And then slowly let it all fizzle out.

And he's doing it all again. Except he hasn't invaded at all. And at this point he's trying to manipulate the event into a West caused "confusion." While Ukraine's leaders are trying desperately to downplay the entire thing because they don't want an uprising panic. In their words, they're far from grateful for the West and NATO taking this seriously and preparing to help. I wish we could ignore it. But a move like that from superpower Russia can't be ignored or it will just pick up steam. I wonder what history will tell about this.

CHINA vs. TAIWAN 

Meanwhile, China is itching for war with Taiwan. I think they'd welcome the distraction of a war in Europe to help them make a move. The fact that the U.S. Navy had a Terrible mishap with one of our most sophisticated jets and accidentally flipped it into China waters.🤦‍♀️

It's all a Perfect Storm for war.

Although, we've got our own mess here on our own soil. So Much Division! And so much crime because the law makers supported some stupidity that allows thousands of convicted felons back on to our streets and lightened the sentence of Petty crime. So we've got mayham on our streets and in our stores. Even the trains are being robbed. It's madness. 

And all while trying to handle this seemingly endless pandemic. And an endless Trump investigation of all of his Stupidity. Politicians desperately scrambling to convict him of enough that he will be uneligable to ever run for president again. 

History will be 20/20

Time For Battle Against Neuro Behcet's

September 1, 2021 I woke up feeling terrible. Body aches, throat ulcers, itching at my shingles scar, and I had hives. Most likely I had a fever as well. But I don't recall my temperature. 

I remember being surprised and baffled by how quickly the flare came on. I hadn't been sick like this since July 10, 2020. So almost a year. During the July flare I had colitis and required IV Fluids and prednisone. The prednisone must have done the trick. Because I don't recall the flare lasting excessively long. 

So, in September when I flared we had just moved into a new home and a new area. So my Rheumatologist and physician was in Southern CA and I was in the North. At that point, if I were in my right mind I should have called my Rheumi immediately and gotten prednisone. But I wasn't in my right mind. And Leif was only home half of the days of the week as he worked in San Francisco. And commuted home on his days off. With this flare I was instantly non functionally exhausted. Everything that was in progress was halted drastically. The fact that I returned the litter of puppies I was fostering shows the extent of my fatigue. 

I must have finally taken some prednisone mid September because although I was still exhausted, I took on more puppies and even kittens. But that didn't last long. And then on October 25th I took on Stevie our foster puppy who requires diapers. Although he added work. He gave back and we fell in love with him. He was a good motivator to pull me out of bed. Along with my 4 year old who is still in diapers (only because I have ZERO ability to consistently potty train.) 

So October continued with severe fatigue and mental fog and cognitive decline. And by then I'm pretty sure I was back to cussing (I know I am now). Which happens with Neuro flare ups. And on November 5th and 6th I facebook about Severe headaches. I remember that I'm pretty sure I threw up at that time too they were so bad and finally I took sumatriptan and packed my head with ice. The rest of the month is a blur. By then depression and cutting were definitely on board. The feeling that I was useless. So sick! I'm estimating that this is when I really started noticing CNS symptoms. Muscle twitches, warm spots (feels like a lighter up to your skin), and my knees and thighs started to tremble as I walked down the stairs. November and December I also battled terrible water retention in my arms and hands. Especially in the mornings. I finally took some prescription diuretic I had from the past. Looks like that's happening here in January too. Probably hormonal. 

In December I started feeling abdominal tremors. Something I have never felt before. A sensation like the muscles and everything inside is vibrating. No pain. Just incredibly strange and annoying. The Christmas season lightened the depression. But the CNS symptoms and cognitive decline came front and center. Also muscle twitch/rolling in the tummy. I honestly wondered if I was miraculously pregnant. Of course I wasn't. Another symptom that was an issue in December was jaw jerking. It's happened in the past too. 

In December I got really sick from an infection. Probably covid. Though the test said it was negative. During the two weeks I was sick I had Horrible nerve pain in my teeth and jaw. We concluded it wasn't congestion because it randomly affected different parts of my mouth. Including the lower jaw so bad I though I'd broke a tooth. The catch is, many of my teeth are fake and bridged. So it felt like phantom pains in my mouth. Extremely strange and painful.

So now it's mid January. And all of these symptoms and more are happening on practically a daily basis. So I am desperate and starting to get Leif nervous. He didn't like seeing my legs shake as I walked down the stairs. And he Really didn't like me talking about Multiple Sclerosis. So, for the last month or so Leif has been prepping for a new job. So we have held off on medical procedures because of that. As well as covid nonsense. But finally I had a clear enough brain to start researching the differences between Behcet's and MS. Because with all of the CNS symptoms we thought I might have MS and that the protocol for MS was different then just prednisone. But I found a study done comparing the two diseases and it is very very likely tht this is just an extension into neuro behcet's from the typical Behcet's that I've already been diagnosed with. And we found another study laying out the treatment plan for neuro behcets. And the first line of defense is always prednisone. So it WAY PAST TIME to start this battle. But here we are. Luckily I have a months worth of pills from my sweet boys who don't use them regularly. So 20mg a day until we see serious improvement and then taper. In the meantime get an MRI. and new doctors. 

LET'S DO THIS! 

#inthenext10years

Last night I lay thinking about the current #10yearchallenge. All that happened in the past 10 years. But then it hit me. All of the monumental things that are hoped for in the upcoming 10 years. I'll be the first to tell anyone that nothing planned, is sure. But we can work for it and hope, until it becomes an experience and memories. 

In the next ten years all of the milestones are those that have been planned for, taught about, saved for, worked towards, and hoped for; forever. Since the beginning of our family.

In the next ten years we can hope that I can get Joshua potty trained and sleeping through the night in his own bed.😆 

Seriously though, in the next ten years there is potential for three high school graduations. Three temple endowments. Three missionaries. Three returned missionaries. Three college students. There's even the potential for three weddings.

Leif has potential for multiple promotions and job milestones. In ten years Joshua should be baptized, ordained a deacon and a teacher. And will be preparing for high school. And me, well, I'll be walking along side each of these amazing people cheering them on as they reach their incredible potentials. Making sure their shirts aren't inside-out.😉💗💗 And then there's Stevie. He has the potential of gaining 20 pounds and becoming a rotund couch potato. Let's hope none of us have that same potential within these next ten years.🤣

It's only a matter of time and technicalities before I get the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I'll be pretty surprised if I don't. For the last few days and nights the nerve pain in my teeth has been really bad!. We thought it was the cold I have. But that doesn't make sense with where the pain is. But I'm too weak to hold this and type. But the tremors in my abdomen have us scratching our heads inquisitive too. 

Quietly. Secretly. Very. Very. Broken.

I just took one of those silly online quizzes that "tell you" who you are according to your choices. Let's just say that this one was pretty spot on. I'm not talking about the fluff n stuff "you're lucky if she loves you" I mean the "silence means danger..." and "don't take advantage of her kindness..." and "because once you break her trust she's ready to walk away..."

Yeah, pretty much spot on. And so descriptive of how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm the lead in a silent film. Like life is happening. There's a story. But no sound. No dialog. And filmed with a sepia filter touched up with beautiful fall colors mingled in. 

In fact, I'm so tired and worn down that I can't even get myself to write out all that is happening and how I'm feeling. Especially, because I don't even feel the presence of a writing audience. No one to have a dialog with. No one to write to. At this moment anyway. ... years down the road someone might read this and wonder.  But not right now.

It's times like this when it's nice that very few people read my blog anymore. That I know of anyway. Because I can share some of my deeper thoughts for the record. But it won't be up for conversation in the moment. 

This weekend was General Conference. I love this weekend. My kids are respectful about watching Conference. And Leif had the weekend off. So all of that was HUGE in making it a successful experience. 

It was chaotic throughout every session. Between Joshua, Caleb, and puppies. It was far from reverent. But that wasn't surprising. But what was surprising was ME. My inner thoughts and feelings. 

Because I battle chemical imbalance and mental illness its often hard to determine what is truly coming from my heart and spirit or mental illness. Let alone clarifying what might be a prompting from the Holy Ghost. 

Gratefully, throughout the progression of sessions I found myself feeling better and better and genuinely feeling the spirit. But looking back, I had three reoccurring things that I processed through over and over and over. First, bitterness/disappointment. Second, fear/pleading that I wouldn't be tasked with facing a monumental loss/grief again. And third, concern and thoughts about my friends, the ...

It took a little while for me to figure out that I was feeling bitter. When we moved here I knew that we would get callings. I was somewhat expecting a calling that would stretch me. But I felt strongly that whatever calling I was given I would be given the strength to serve. From my experience also, whoever I am serving with becomes my circle of friends and network. So when I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service representative for our ward (which isn't a calling where you're set apart) I thought maybe I'd still be given a calling in addition to that. But I guess not. I completely understand why. I can barely keep this responsibility afloat. But I'm really disappointed. Mostly, because it means that I serve by myself and I don't really have a circle. I'm feeling Really lonely. And I think I'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone else's health and strength to serve. But honestly, these feelings just stem from my lack of effort to invite the Spirit into my daily life. 

The second reoccurring feeling I had this weekend was FEAR! Dread? PLEADING! Every time the topic of overcoming trials through the power of the Atonement came up I felt these feelings. I felt 100% sure knowledge that what they were teaching was true. From experience. But whether it's the Spirit preparing me, or mental illness inflicting me with anxiety and PTSD, the feelings are overwhelming. The thought of facing the physical and emotional trauma of loss and grief again; is terrifying!! I feel like I'm barely surviving right now. So the thought and possibilities brings back memories. And I feel like I'm screaming inside, pleading... 

When it comes to the .... ; I have no idea why they popped into my mind. I felt overwhelmed by the thoughts. It's totally bizarre when it happens. And at this point, it's REALLY frustrating. Because I have absolutely No Idea why my spirit has such a connection to them. I mean, I love them and have fond memories with them from my mission. But I have no idea why my spirit refuses to let them move into the background of my story like so many other dear friends I've had along the way. ... when these times come I find myself filled with thoughts and feelings and prayers. Most of the time I reach out. And only on a couple of occasions they have shared reasons why maybe I was prompted to pray for them. Otherwise, I actually think it wierds them out. Which I totally understand. 🤔🤷‍♀️ I have other people who I have this type of connection with. But the connection makes more sense and is somewhat more reciprocated. *sigh*. Again, it just shows that my mind and heart is feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. 

And then I forgot that Leif had to go back to work tonight. I'm feeling more and more that we need to get Leif working closer to home. I'm sick of the compartmentalizing that happens to survive this lifestyle. It's not healthy.