Quietly. Secretly. Very. Very. Broken.

I just took one of those silly online quizzes that "tell you" who you are according to your choices. Let's just say that this one was pretty spot on. I'm not talking about the fluff n stuff "you're lucky if she loves you" I mean the "silence means danger..." and "don't take advantage of her kindness..." and "because once you break her trust she's ready to walk away..."

Yeah, pretty much spot on. And so descriptive of how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm the lead in a silent film. Like life is happening. There's a story. But no sound. No dialog. And filmed with a sepia filter touched up with beautiful fall colors mingled in. 

In fact, I'm so tired and worn down that I can't even get myself to write out all that is happening and how I'm feeling. Especially, because I don't even feel the presence of a writing audience. No one to have a dialog with. No one to write to. At this moment anyway. ... years down the road someone might read this and wonder.  But not right now.

It's times like this when it's nice that very few people read my blog anymore. That I know of anyway. Because I can share some of my deeper thoughts for the record. But it won't be up for conversation in the moment. 

This weekend was General Conference. I love this weekend. My kids are respectful about watching Conference. And Leif had the weekend off. So all of that was HUGE in making it a successful experience. 

It was chaotic throughout every session. Between Joshua, Caleb, and puppies. It was far from reverent. But that wasn't surprising. But what was surprising was ME. My inner thoughts and feelings. 

Because I battle chemical imbalance and mental illness its often hard to determine what is truly coming from my heart and spirit or mental illness. Let alone clarifying what might be a prompting from the Holy Ghost. 

Gratefully, throughout the progression of sessions I found myself feeling better and better and genuinely feeling the spirit. But looking back, I had three reoccurring things that I processed through over and over and over. First, bitterness/disappointment. Second, fear/pleading that I wouldn't be tasked with facing a monumental loss/grief again. And third, concern and thoughts about my friends, the ...

It took a little while for me to figure out that I was feeling bitter. When we moved here I knew that we would get callings. I was somewhat expecting a calling that would stretch me. But I felt strongly that whatever calling I was given I would be given the strength to serve. From my experience also, whoever I am serving with becomes my circle of friends and network. So when I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service representative for our ward (which isn't a calling where you're set apart) I thought maybe I'd still be given a calling in addition to that. But I guess not. I completely understand why. I can barely keep this responsibility afloat. But I'm really disappointed. Mostly, because it means that I serve by myself and I don't really have a circle. I'm feeling Really lonely. And I think I'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone else's health and strength to serve. But honestly, these feelings just stem from my lack of effort to invite the Spirit into my daily life. 

The second reoccurring feeling I had this weekend was FEAR! Dread? PLEADING! Every time the topic of overcoming trials through the power of the Atonement came up I felt these feelings. I felt 100% sure knowledge that what they were teaching was true. From experience. But whether it's the Spirit preparing me, or mental illness inflicting me with anxiety and PTSD, the feelings are overwhelming. The thought of facing the physical and emotional trauma of loss and grief again; is terrifying!! I feel like I'm barely surviving right now. So the thought and possibilities brings back memories. And I feel like I'm screaming inside, pleading... 

When it comes to the .... ; I have no idea why they popped into my mind. I felt overwhelmed by the thoughts. It's totally bizarre when it happens. And at this point, it's REALLY frustrating. Because I have absolutely No Idea why my spirit has such a connection to them. I mean, I love them and have fond memories with them from my mission. But I have no idea why my spirit refuses to let them move into the background of my story like so many other dear friends I've had along the way. ... when these times come I find myself filled with thoughts and feelings and prayers. Most of the time I reach out. And only on a couple of occasions they have shared reasons why maybe I was prompted to pray for them. Otherwise, I actually think it wierds them out. Which I totally understand. 🤔🤷‍♀️ I have other people who I have this type of connection with. But the connection makes more sense and is somewhat more reciprocated. *sigh*. Again, it just shows that my mind and heart is feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. 

And then I forgot that Leif had to go back to work tonight. I'm feeling more and more that we need to get Leif working closer to home. I'm sick of the compartmentalizing that happens to survive this lifestyle. It's not healthy. 

Time To Ask For Help

Well, we've come to a point now in our new home in Auburn, CA that it's time to call in reinforcements. I battle chronic fatigue on a daily basis. But I also have an auto inflammatory disease called Behcet's. The Behcet's has been under control for over a year. But it flared up a couple of weeks ago. We had a nanny in our last home and I think that made all the difference. It's time to find help here in our new home.

Previously our nanny did a 50/50 amount of child care and cleaning. Currently, I think we don't need as much childcare as we need help keeping our house put together and clean. Very sadly, when I am extra sick I am only able to use my strength on giving quality time to my family. This means the house can get very messy, quickly. Even if the boys do their chores. 

I need someone to come over two or three times each week. The first couple of weeks will probably be more involved as there is build up of piles and things to be done. But as time goes on and a routine is followed it will probably become less involved and more of maintaining. As for particular duties; I need help with keeping the living areas organized, clean, and tidy. So the living room, kitchen/dining, all floors, and 1 &1/2 bathrooms. I definitely could use help with folding clean laundry too.

On a few occasions in the month we might ask our Helper to watch Joshua, our 4 year old, so we can go out. 

Whoever comes to help will need to be comfortable and confident enough to go about their duties along side the household and its happenings. Someone who is experienced and able to see what needs to be done and do it without being asked. 

This person will need to be understanding and not prone to judgment or criticism. Someone who understands that I am rationing my strength rather then being a lazy mother. 

I have been sick for my children's whole lives. So they are all accustomed to our lifestyle. Because of this, we are ALL incredibly grateful for any help at all that we get to keep things together. 

When it comes to days and hours, all of that is flexible. The best timeframe would be any times between 9AM and 4PM. We pay $20.00 per/hrs up to 10 hrs per/week. 

Any days other then Sunday are open. Leif works as a Contract Nurse Manager in San Leandro (by San Francisco) and is only home about 3 or 4 days out of the week. Which is another reason why help is so appreciated. 

If our House Helper is interested, we have extra projects that we need help with around the house. Such as helping the boys organize their new rooms and put things where they belong. All the way to Large projects that will most likely require a few people. Such as organizing the garage and taking Thrift items to the Thrift store. These pro

We don't have any pets of our own. But whoever helps us will need to be able to be around kittens, puppies, cats, and dogs, as we foster them for local rescues and often have a pen or two of babies. Our Helper won't be expected to help with their upkeep. But they are welcome to hold them and play if they want to. 

We will sign a work agreement with our Helper for a 3 month timeframe (the same length as Leif's contracts.) At the end of each contract we will all reevaluate how things are going and whether or not the agreement will continue.  We are able to pay our Helper through a Pay Roll company or Cash. Whatever they prefer. If after reading this you're interested in this position, let me know and we'll set up a home visit.

Always Remember: Revenge Is Unsatiable. Choose Justice.

Always Remember that Revenge is a thirst that can never be satisfied. Choose to allow Justice to fulfill the law of consequences. 

Always Remember: Love, Even Though

Always Remember  to Love those people you have relationships with, or come in contact with, Even Though... 

Love the person who eats the last treasured donut in the box, even though they are obese, and even though they live a sedentary lifestyle, and even though their behavior is self sabotage. Love The Even Though! 

Love the person even though they use their gifted money to buy cigarettes and drugs. Remember that HE Loves Them, Even Though...

It has been a Really great 5 days, going on 6. We picked up our first litter of Foster Puppies on Saturday. Then added one more on Monday. It has been so much work (expectedly). Sadly though, our time with them is coming to a unexpected close.😭 I woke up a handful of days ago with a little bit of body aches and an itch in the spot where I had shingles a couple of years ago. I've medicated and it has been pretty much forgotten up to this morning. I woke up with sores in my throat and then I got hives 😱🤔 Sooo, rather then separating siblings in order to lighten my foster load, I'm going to pause a bit to get things back on track. Huge Bummer!! But I'm confident that we'll get things squared away soon and be back to the babies again soon

I didn't mention this when I was asked a month ago. But I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service Rep for our ward. Fast forward to this moment....  ummm, I'm feeling speechless at the amount of needs we're currently surrounded by right now. Both on our door step, and then throughout the world. ... It will be interesting to see why I have been called to this right now... what roads I will be directed towards to lead and give service in....

#deepthoughts

Was it worth it?

Up to this point I've only allowed myself to feel the surface feelings. The shock and horror as I've watched the news show the fall of Afghanistan. 

But now I'm crying. I stopped and reached out to a friend. A veteran of the military. Someone who I sat with on the lawn of the Navy Training Center in Chicago on September 11, 2001 and the days following. My missionary companions and I were the only civilians allowed on to the base that day. It was a miracle. The first of many. Earlier we had walked the sidewalks of the base and God had literally led us to the location of each of our Sailors. We knew that all of their lives had just changed forever. So had ours. They were now facing war. Some of them would eventually change to a different branch of the military and be sent to the front of the action. That was only the first day.

I've lost touch with almost all of the hundreds of Sailors I knew and loved deeply. It's been 20 years since then.

Over those years on occasion I've been overwhelmed with the question of who may not have made it through the combat. And it was heart wrenching to wonder. Even worse was watching those I still know; come back broken and in so much pain. The pain of losing their buddies being the hardest of their pain. 

And now to watch these events. And have to confront the feeling again of the darkest of questions; was it worth the sacrifice?

I sit here and ask myself. Dig really deep. Trying to find the spiritual wisdom inside me. 

Yes. If I think back and picture each face of my sailors. And remember the feeling of honor, courage, and commitment (sorry for the cliche, guys) that they each radiated during those early days. I have to believe that they as individuals were ready and willing to make the sacrifice. ... but the pain that was left behind in their place. ... was it worth it? With this question, I can only do one thing. Fall back on my belief that some rewards aren't felt until after this life. I have to lean on the hope that comes in my faith in God. That He will judge our actions and choices here on earth, against our circumstances. And theirs against the sacrifice they made for their fellow men and women. And I believe their reward will be magnificent. 

But how do we face the future sacrifices, knowing that 20 years down the road they may be erased. My answer, The One. When I talk to my boys tonight about what's happening. I am going to teach them about the principle of "The One." When we go forth to serve, we must follow our Savior's example and focus on the one person we can serve. And do this again, and again, and again, as we serve. Because during this life on earth, there is a beginning and an end. And as we're seeing with Afghanistan, the end is not always pretty or validating. But if we focus on The One; the individuals who were protected and freed during the 20 years, then we can fathom the possibility that all the sacrifice was in deed worth it.

Alright guys, let's be real for a minute. So I'm in a furious hate battle with Autism/Anxiety and ADHD this morning.  As many of you know, our son Caleb battles against them every second of every minute of every day of his life.

Well, Caleb's old enough to go to the big summer camps with the guys from church now days. And we've been preparing for a four day camp for the last three weeks. "We," meaning me, Leif, the bishop, Jakob, and Caleb. Because of Caleb's battles we've had to plan everything down to the T. Where's he going to sleep? Will Jakob be with him? Can they get special permission for music at night? Which meds will we send? Who will administer them? Does he have enough of his "only" shirts? The only ones he'll wear. Does he need headphones? Maybe earplugs,instead? How about eye covers at night? No, that would freak him out more. Get new shoes so he has a worn out pair for the lake. So the others stay dry. Swimsuit. Re-string the swimsuit with a non-tying waistband he can tighten. Tying. Do we need to tell the leaders ahead of time that Caleb just can't figure out how to tie yet? No, Jakob can help if need be. ... poor Jakob.

Getting closer to GO day. "Mom, can I take the foam airplane?" No. "Whyx10". *Note to Everyone, hide Caleb's bow and arrow to avoid that potential fight.* "Mom, Can I take ...?" No. "Whyx10."

Twenty four hours before GO day. Time to pack everything up. Thank HEAVEN Leif is home!!! Jakob, you pack yourself, your way. Leif, you pack Caleb's non clothing items. I will gather all clothes. GO!!! *Enters Caleb.* He's pale, floppy, moaning, groaning, out of breath.  Honestly, nothing too out of the ordinary. Word on the downstairs street says that he had a terrible night which included screaming, lack of sleep, and sleeping in Jakobs room. Another somewhat normal night. Okay, Hydrate. Eat. Help out. Rest. Moan. Groan. Get on everyone's nerves. As usual. *poor guy!*
Continue packing until nap time. Time for the last load of laundry. Insist with a fight, that Caleb take off his last Only shirt. Give him a hug as I grab the shirt. WTHeck!!! 😱😱🤒 Caleb feels really warm.🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Temp check. OMGsh!!! He has a fever. You've got to be kidding!? Hope that it's a fluke and he'll still be able to go. Medicate. GO lay down. Two hours later. Caleb's cheerful and normal temp. They watch a movie. I finish packing. Four hours later. Bedtime. Caleb has the chills and aches.😥. Temp check. Fever's back. 😭😭😭 Explain that he can't go. No! It's not a consequence. It's just an illness so he can't go. Text Bishop and let him know. Tuck the boys in for bed.
6:00AM the next morning. Leif walks out of the bedroom to take Jakob to the church. Caleb literally wakes up the rest of the household by a blood curdling scream. Because Leif scared him while he was getting a yogurt out of the fridge.🤦‍♀️ Apparently he's ravenously hungry. He goes down to his room with the yogurt. I enter the scene and update with Leif. JJ yells from downstairs that Caleb "wants food brought to him."😱🤦‍♀️ Really!!?? Right Now!? As we're trying to get Jakob out the door!? I throw him a Slimfast drink. Hug Jakob big, say goodbye, and go back to bed. Leif and Jakob leave to the church.
Ten minutes later. Caleb screams for me from the kitchen. Twice. Sounding like a maniac and re-waking Joshua up. I realize that he's about to puke. I think to myself murderous thoughts as I run to the door to remind this thirteen year old to get to the toilet. I mean, why The He$% did he have to run up the stairs to tell me!? He was laying Next To the toilet down stairs. I open the door as Caleb leans over the toilet. Pretty much in a standing position. Puke spews all over the toilet seat. Over his arm. To the floor. And down into the air vent next to the toilet. All I can see is RED! My teeth are clenched so tight, I might break my fake teeth. I walk into my room and lock the door behind me. I'm So Angry!
Three minutes pass. Caleb screams out to me. Twice. I wonder if he's about to pass out. I go out. He's standing in the bathroom doorway with his arm up and dripping, crying that he needs a towel. I hold back a few words. Wrap some paper towels around his arm and demand he go take a shower.
I Hate neurological disorders that steal commonsense, household peace, and chew away at relationships. It's times like these when it's all a little too much.

Recap

Let's do a quick fun Photo Dump! We've tried to enjoy our time here in the valley while waiting for this next adventure of moving up into the hills. Our weeks go like this:

Papa's home = PLAY! Papa's back to work = Rest!

We took the boys to see the house today. I knew that we were facing an unavoidable "situation."  I knew that the boys were going to be faced with the realization that the house is much smaller then they thought it was. I know Exactly how they feel. Especially Jakob. Jakob was the only one who is feeling and now having to work through powerful guilt and disappointment. Guilt for feeling disappointed. And mad that we're faced with it and it's unfixable. It broke my heart to see him so disappointed. He didn't say anything. He's too kind hearted. But I pulled it out of him and assured him that we don't blame him and completely understand.  

Gratefully, I insisted that we all go out for dinner and ice cream after at Leatherbys. Jakob said he felt a lot better after that.💗 But we are still faced with a reality that will be hard sometimes. Our house will be too small again. And the yard is extremely complicated. It will be beautiful. But sadly, I don't think we'll be able to stay there long. The thought of another move is Frustrating. 

Tonight I feel SO BAD for taking Jakob out of Oceanview High. I pray desperately that we haven't made a mistake. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏