Friday, June 28, 2013

This morning I woke up to an email from my dear friend who was checking in with me after reading THIS post. She asked me to share all of the details with her that I haven't shared yet. So I wrote her back and I thought I'd post it here for the record. 

Honestly, I'm really struggling. My kids are a nightmare. They are bored to death. The age difference and personality differences between Jakob and Caleb make for almost constant conflict. The absolute only time there isn't conflict is if they are in front of a screen or the very rare times they play nicely together. They miss their grandparents terribly. But I can tell they actually don't realize that they miss them. They don't talk about them very often. But when they do they talk about the good times with them and that they miss them. But it took them 6 months to start expressing how they felt about Leif being gone when he moved to Flagstaff for school. The kids are lonely. They didn't get to their friends houses very often. But they did occasionally and they always knew they were there. And with daily visits and time from their grandparents their needs were met and so were mine. Here, there are no friends. 

I have a lot of family here. But everyone is extremely busy and living their own struggles and journey. My parents have been in North Carolina visiting Heather for the last three weeks or so. Before they left we saw them or talked to them every day. They helped us move in. But that was still juggled between all that they needed to get done in their own lives, which is a lot. They work with my aunt and uncle with all of their businesses. My dad works on the computer and marketing and my mom is helping with designing and landscaping for the new ranch that Bruce and Chris bought. They are working on fixing it up as a reception center and family gathering place to rent out.  You really just have to be around my parents to understand why it causes stress to be with them. I don't really have the energy to get into writing it right now. Let's just say there is a lot of Love towards us, but along with it there is always a personal agenda. Something they need, want, or expect from us in return. It has been that way my entire life. So it's not unexpected. But it's very very hard. Mostly because I have so little to give back and Leif is so busy with work and keeping up our little world that he can only fit so much in for them. 

I was the one that ended up in the hospital this time. Thursday night I found myself violently ill and in the bathroom with what felt like labor. I was seriously wondering if I was having a miscarriage. Ends up that I wasn't. But the bowel movement had a lot of blood. I was able to sleep that night but I woke up very sick and weak and still bleeding. So, long story short, I ended up going into the ER. From there I was admitted for the next few days. The bleeding stopped and I had a colonoscopy. We're still waiting for test results. Either way my guts were really inflamed and sick. So I've been working on trying to get them feeling better and waiting for test results. So it's just one more thing added to my other health struggles with no answers. While I was in the hospital my parents were on vacation. Not their fault. My brother and his wife watched the boys over night for us. And Karin and her husband helped one of the other days. The struggle with my parents and my health is that my mom refuses to internalize the reality of how sick I really am and how hard it is to function in the day. She can give her opinions and prescriptions. But she resists actively helping where I really need it. Which is playing with my kids and helping me meet my family's needs. Again. expected, but hard. 

And then there's housing. We are staying in the Ranch house right now on my Uncle's ranch. It is beautiful! We asked him if we could pay rent and he told us to just pay utilities. So that is a blessing. But they are hoping to sell their big house and move in to the Ranch house ASAP. So this isn't long term. Also, it takes Leif over an hour one way to get to work. So it has to be a short term stay.  We came out here with the understanding that we were a shoe in for a mortgage. Unfortunately, now we find out that our student loans have to be added to the total debt and our debt to income ratio is unacceptable for a zero down mortgage. This was a sad hard blow. So now we're right back at the beginning and looking for a rental in Springfield. 

And employment. Luckily, Leif is a Great Nurse!! So his job security is a blessing! But the pay is disappointing. Especially because rent costs more then what a mortgage would have cost each month. And now we have medical bills in addition to our other bills. So money never seems to be an easy thing!!:( 

So, one has to ask, Did we make a mistake by coming out here? Nah. We had to move on from where we were at. The only struggle that wouldn't be in our life otherwise is being away from Leif's family. But we needed to be on our own for a while. Stretch our wings. It's just hard :(.

So, that's the nitty gritty of our life. Thank you so much for asking!! I really needed a listening ear today.


Faith 'n Family said...

Thank you for sharing Lena! It is so nice to hear from you and hear how things are going. Change is hard and every time I think about moving I get severe anxiety, yet I know it is what is best for our family too. I am glad that you have a job and a city to be in. I have studied a lot about Trusting the Lord lately with 4 kids and some post-partum things have been interesting :) but Trust is having faith not knowing the end from the beginning in a being that does know the end from the beginning. You are in his hands, He will provide and thank you for having the courage to change. Your faith gives me strength. Sure miss you!

Dawson Family said...

I know it is hard to be away from your comfort zone but a new start is always a good thing. I am so jealous you get to see my second family all the time! Saw them when they came to Utah and I miss them terribly! We are coming there in August to see them, can't wait to see the ranch! So excited. I hope you can find the peace and relief you are in need of. And I hope the tests come back as something that can be taken care of and not another burden to carry through life.

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