Thursday, June 27, 2013

Weary Traveler

Tonight I feel like a weary traveler.  I have so much to be grateful for. Yet so much is weighing me down. I haven't written here for so long. I know my blog has been calling to me for a long time. But I'm sad to say that headaches have limited my writing time and I was also hesitant to talk about everything pressing. But I've decided to just write here without concern. I need one place where I can write my story without fear of offence. One place to just think things through.

It's not easy living close to my parents again. I knew it would be challenging. It hasn't been worse then expected. But not easier either. I feel very alone even though I am surrounded by family. I miss Leif's family. Their unconditional love. I miss my boys' relationship with them. I cry whenevr I let myself think about it. It makes me want to scream!

Planning our future is by far the biggest laugh of my adult life! This past month has taken me straight back to the year of 2006 (the year we lost our twins) and frankly, it has scared me! There are so many similarities. Leif graduates from school and sets out to start a good career and the "great prospects for financial security" suddenly become out of reach again. Health crisis', Hospital stays, being stuck in the crisis and having to depend on my family for help only to have them on vacation. All of these things are things that happened back then. Why can't we just take off and move forward without restraint?

We came out here completely assured that we would be approved for a mortgage. Now we find out that our student loans count against us. Seriously, if that is considered, we won't ever get a mortgage. Now we have to rent. Since my hospital stay I can't feel much peace about going anywhere. I have no idea why. I've actually felt better about apartments then houses. That's surprising!! But I don't want to have to worry that we're disturbing the neighbors. But what if we find great neighbors in the same complex? And apartments have a lot of conveniences. But they have very little privacy and nowhere for the kids to just go out and play in their yard.

I really hate to think of myself as someone who feels the need to go "ward shopping" but I'm afraid that's what I would like to do. Really, I just feel such a need to make some good connections out here that I feel like I need to have the choices set out before I have a clue where to start to decide to live. We all need friends. Especially the kids and I. And we all need good opportunities to serve and become involved in the ward. Yet, I need to feel valued by the ward as well.

I have to readjust to Leif working full time again. Leif is a very committed person. He pours his mind and heart into his duty completely. So when he is at work and school for a string of a few days, he is there completely and it is hard for him to switch gears when he gets home. That is hard and feels lonely sometimes for me. But when he is home for a stretch, he is home and all is well in the world. I just have to understand this, be Grateful, and adjust. Luckily his schedule is an average of a few days at work, a few days off of work.

Well, it's late and I need to get to sleep. I need to carry my baby back up the stairs to bed. And Pray that he doesn't come down again!! But it's good to be back to writing and thinking things out again.

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