Sunday, October 26, 2014

I think there might only be one form of mental illness that is harder to endure than being in a suicidal depression, and that is being in a functional depress. In my experience functional depression is when a person is experiencing all of the  clinical symptoms of mental illness but some how their body, mind, and spirit are still able to continue on with their daily tasks and responsibilities. Functioning Mental Illness in like experiencing the storms of a Tsunami while everyone else seems to be riding the awesome gigantic waves as if their is no care on the world.

I had a dream last night.

Leif and I were sitting on a bench in a parking lot and off in the distance I saw a beach and the ocean waves rolling. Suddenly the waves grew into a wall of water. When it crashed it came over the sand and close to the parking lot we were sitting in. I turned to Leif in surprise and said "where are we?!" I knew we were in Hawaii, but I didn't know that we were so close to a beach. We talked a little and I told Leif that I felt sure those waves were going to eventually make it past that parking lot as the tide rolled in.

Suddenly the scene changed and though I was in the same location, with the same waves rolling in, I was with my kids trying to order pizza at a "fast" pick up pizza shop. They weren't fast and my kids seemed to be running all over the shopping center. I couldn't keep track of all three of them at one time and no matter how hard I tried it seemed they refused to understand how desperately I needed them to stay close to me. I knew that we were in a dangerous situation and in the mean time I didn't know how to find Leif and our van. At one point I looked down and I was wearing my favorite nightgown. But it doesn't have a pocket and I didn't have my cellphone with me. -my only connection to Leif.

The nightmare continued with me chasing the kids around. I would catch one of them and it was all I could do to keep my temper in check and try as I may to explain how important it was that they help me, help them. But it went on and on. The pizza was taking forever, not that it was my top priority. Keeping us all together and alive was the top priority. I think I knew that Leif was eventually coming back to the shop to get us. I also remember that the pizza shop was selling Dairy Queen ice cream sundaes. But everyone ignored my multiple requests to find out how much they cost.

At one point I had managed to reign in all three squirming boys. I was holding on to them as a wave was building up off in the distance. I gauged how tall it was and where it would crash and knew that we were in its path. So I told the boys to hold on to me and hold their breath when the water went over their heads. I also explained that we would be in a part of the wave that could be fun if we wanted it to be. It would just be pushing us along the top of the sand and we could just ride it out. And we did. We were at the edge of the wave... No major rip current back.

After the ride on the wave I had managed to find a school backpack with several ties on it. I took each of the straps and tied it around a child and then tied the strap to a belt loop (that I suddenly had, Good by comfy nightgown. ;) I had finally managed to secure each child safely and just like, I looked up and we were at a door and Leif was standing there, ready to take us to the van. As we were walking I was flippantly telling him of the struggle that I was having with the kids and he was listening, while also trying to help us make our way to the van. The parking lot was a mess by now. Sand and stones had covered it and cars were scattered throughout. I remember feeling upset for a moment that Leif didn't sweep me into his arms and hug away all of my woes. But that was short lived, after all, we were working together to keep us all alive. We climbed in the van and as I untied the kids from my belt I struggled to get them into their seatbelts. Everything was such a struggle.

Before I knew what was happening I relized Leif was pushing another van out of our way and it was making a mess of the other van. I remember praying out loud for our van. Praying that it would keep working through the struggle...

And then without warning - I was alone. Back in the shopping center and the storm was raging around us. And again, I was without a cellphone or a computer. I remeber thinking it was so odd that the power was still on. Also strange was that some people were afraid of the storm and others just floated around in the water here and there visiting with friends, smoking, drinking, and having a great time.

All the while there was lightening, thunder, and crashing waves. The wind was blowing not just the rain but also sand. The sand seemed to be bubbling over the edges of the buildings off in the distance. Beach gear and debris swirled around us.

I went into a stairwell for protection. But I was divided on whether I wanted to ride out the storm there or if I wanted to go search for Leif and the kids. At times the storm was so bad that I had no choice but to stay there.

I did venture out to find my family. The dream was becoming too much for me and I was trying to wake myself up. I woke up just as I had decided to go to the church buildings in the area to see if Leif had gone there.

I woke up just as I found Leif.

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