Child Guidance: Gordon's Theory

Lena Baron

Child Guidance 2610

GRADE: 10/10

COMMENTS: "Phenomenal paper! Excellent application of both models and I absolutely loved your conclusion."

Theoretical Application #3 Gordon

Define a problem (provide age and context).

Three-year-old son is whining a lot, bullying pets and younger siblings.  

How would Gordon define the problem? Thomas Gordon might define this particular problem as that of a child filled with pent up frustration and anger because of poor communication skills between the child and his parents. He might say that the child has been dictated to (belittled and corrected) so often that he is no longer willing to work to verbally communicate clearly with his family members. 

What solutions would Gordon suggest for solving the problem?

Gordon would most likely suggest that this child’s parents take the time to counsel with their child, using non-damaging communication skills. For example; when the child whines the parent might say, “I feel bad when you whine because I can’t understand what you are trying to say and I want to be able to understand you.” Instead of, “stop using your baby voice; use your big boy voice!” Also, when the child is bullying, the parent might take the time to go to the child calmly and say “I feel bad when you hit your sister, why are you hitting her?” Then the parent would listen and communicate with the child using the six steps to implementing Gordon’s No-Lose method (define, generate solutions, evaluate solutions, decide the best solution, work out ways to implement solution, and evaluate how it worked.)

How would Skinner define the problem? What solutions would Skinner suggest for solving the problem?

Skinner might define the problem of a whining, bullying child as that of a parent-child relationship that lacks clear guidelines, expectations, and follow-through. Skinner would most likely suggest that the parent redefine the guidelines and expectations for behavior within the home and then diligently follow through with what has been decided.

What advantages are there to Gordon's approach? Skinner's approach?

Gordon and Skinner’s approaches for the most part are opposite of each other. Gordon encourages the parents to use a more democratic psychotherapeutic approach where Skinner encourages a more, authoritarian, vaguely parent-owned problem (with the hope that the child will learn to own the problem) approach. The advantage of Gordon’s approach is that if done correctly the child will come out a well-adjusted emotionally literate child. One of the advantages of Skinner’s approach is that it tends to be a lot easier to follow for parents then Gordon’s approach. It also teaches the children to look for and reach for the goals within the challenge. It also teaches the child that there should be a reaction positive or negative (or consequence) to every action.

Which approach do you prefer? Why?

I would love to say that I follow Gordon’s approach to parenting. It just seems peacefully ideal. However, Skinner’s approach seems to be a lot more realistic and is still beneficial to all involved. With that said, I think that I lean towards Skinner most often and try to apply Gordon as often as my patience allows me to. Parenting is exhausting and stressful. It is also very time consuming. If you have more then one child, it is not always easy to stop and have a long drawn out conversation about every feeling, request, and frustration. In fact, I know this from experience. I applied Gordon’s approach with my first son for the first four years of his life, as he was an only child. It was wonderful! However, he is no longer an only child. And because he has been conditioned to discuss EVERYTHING there is often conflict. Skinner’s approach leaves little room for confusion. The guidelines and expectations are set. With that said, I prefer Gordon, but I use both Gordon and Skinner in my everyday parenting.

Stress Management Assignment 2: Anger - Fear - Hope - Faith - Balance

Lena Baron

October 23, 2011

Stress Management 3400

Score 20/20

Comments: Unavailable

Assignment 2

Anger – Fear – Hope – Faith - Balance

PART ONE:

While reviewing my list of the top 10 stresses in my life I found that the majority of my stress revolves around fear. I have some anger issues. But even those are wrapped up with fear.

Because my issues are so intertwined between fear and anger I will list them together and explain which emotion has led to the other. 

Issue One: “I wish I could either heal, and be a normal healthy mother, or just accept my ailments 100% and learn to work around them and find pure happiness.” I am angry at myself for my weaknesses and afraid that because of me my family will be negatively affected.

Issue two: “I wish my mother was a nurturing mother.” This issue is mostly wrapped around anger. I am angry at my mother for way too many things to name here. However, along with this anger I fear that I will live with this anger forever rather than finding a way to purge it out of me and forgive her, preferably before she dies.

Issue Three: “I wish I could control my sweet tooth.” Again, I am angry at myself for my weakness. Yet, wrapped right in with this anger is fear that I will gain weight as well as teach my children bad habits and possibly instill addictions into their lives. Which leads me to be angry at my parents because I feel that they helped create this habit within me as a child by routinely feeding me “beddy –by snacks” and ice cream rewards.

PART TWO:

What is an optimist? An optimist is Cory ten Boom and Viktor Frankl. People who in the face of a challenge or a crisis naturally, and sometimes by choice, find the positive in the situation. An optimist is someone who finds the good side in everyone and everything. The glass is never half empty, it’s always half full.  A pessimist is someone who focuses on the negative side of the spectrum, someone who prepares for the worst, and warns others of the danger in store. Personally, I find President Obama a great example of a pessimist. I feel that he is constantly warning the country about the next upcoming “crisis.” For a pessimist the glass is never full enough.

            When I asked myself whether I am an optimist or a pessimist, I found myself somewhat disturbed by my answer. I am a roller coaster. My self-image is pessimistic. Yet, when I am faced with a crisis I take on the faith that I have and I am optimistic. As a parent, I teach my children to look on the bright side. But I worry for them as a pessimist would. Fascinating! I think that the imbalance comes from my lack of good self-esteem and my faith in God. From experience, I know that He can bring about miracles. But the pessimism comes when I start to focus inward. Unfortunately and fortunately, lately I have focused inward more often than not, which means I have felt more pessimism. I fight against pessimism. But I need to come to a balance.

PART THREE:

            When taking the Stress-Resistant personality Survey I found myself recalculating my score over and over (again the pessimistic thoughts.) My score was 47. A score of 30 or higher indicates that a person most likely has traits associated with the Hardy, Survivor, and calculated risk-taker personality. The score shouldn’t really surprise me. I do carry many of these traits within my personality. The key is to find the best within all of these and refine them. So how do I do this?

PART FOUR:

The power to change is within my thoughts which will lead me to change my behavior. I have taken an inventory of my most common thought processes, the thoughts that are on repeat. The most common is: “I am so tired.”  I find myself thinking this not only when I feel fatigued but also when I feel flooded emotionally. I might have a strong negative memory, or argue with my kids, a negative phone conversation, or an overwhelming schedule, and the only words that come to mind over and over is “I am so tired.” Sometimes I will force myself to finish the thought by explaining what I am really feeling. This at least helps me to complete the thought and acknowledge how I am really feeling. However, I know there is a lot more that needs to be done in order for me to heal my self-esteem and bring out the best in my personality.

I have taken a few steps recently to try and help me begin to change the pattern of my thoughts. One of the first things I have done is to cling to any and all hope I have within me. Hope tends to ease fear. It also leads to my faith in God. I have hope. Sometimes in the face of the unknown, that is what gets me through. Also, my husband has skillfully recorded a few different Words of Affirmation recordings for me to help me reverse some of my thought patterns. This has been surprisingly helpful. I find that if I listen to them as I fall asleep I wake up feeling the optimism from them in the morning and then I bring them back to mind when needs be.  Another way that I have helped bring more optimism into my thoughts is through music. I have turned music on more throughout my day, music that inspires me or sooths me, whatever I might need. This has helped me as well as my children.

Reconstructing self-esteem is no easy task. By being aware of my thoughts and reconstructing them to be more optimistic I hope to eliminate the fear and anger that has entwined itself within my soul and accentuate the positive within my personality. 

Child Guidance: Skinner's Theory

Lena Baron

FCHD 2610                

GRADE 10/10

COMMENTS: "Lena good job on your paper. I especially liked how you pointed out how application of Skinners model would look different for a 2 year old v.s a 12 year old. Great job."

Theoretical Application #2 Skinner’s Theory

Scenerio:Your 12 year old daughter has begun to speak to you rudely and to do her chores sloppily.

What are some common solutions to the problem?

Working with pre-teenagers is a tough job all around. They are testing their limits and you’re trying to figure out what the limits are supposed to be at this new stage in childhood, not to mention the fear of the teenage years looming ahead in the no longer distant future. Often times the most common solution for a rude and sloppy child is arguing and nagging. Unfortunately, another common “solution” is threatening the child that their behavior will result in the loss of a privilege. However, the threats aren’t carried out. On the other hand, often times Skinner’s behavior modification theory does come in to play for the caregivers who are willing to take the time and effort to follow through and grounding or loss of privileges for the lack of good behavior is often the tool used. 

How do the common solutions you have mentioned fit into Skinner's framework (i.e. positive reinforcement, punishment, etc.)?

As I mentioned in the previous paragraph Skinner’s reinforcement theory has become very much a part of the traditional “positive parenting” life style of today. And for those caregivers who go against Skinners theory and fail to follow through with the right type of reinforcement when working with children are often considered lacking in their care giving skills. For example, if a parent has a rude and sloppy teenager according to Skinner the parent should not reinforce that behavior by completely ignoring that behavior. Especially if any boundaries, rules, or expectation for positive behavior has been previously discussed. A parent must follow through immediately by giving consequences a.k.a reinforcement to positive and negative behaviors. I do want to make it clear that working with a 12 year old is different then working with a 2 year old. Skinner has indicated that ignoring a 2 year olds temper tantrum might be considered the proper reinforcement. However, ignoring a 12 year olds sassy mouth is most likely not the reinforcement that Skinner would suggest.

What solutions would Skinner suggest for solving the problems (define with his terms)?

 When working with a rude and sloppy teenager Skinner would most likely suggest the (RUP) Rules- Reward-Punishment system. He would make sure that the rules for positive behavior are clear as well as the consequences to negative behavior. RUP then requires that the caregiver be vigilant in their follow-through/reinforcement according to the child’s behavior. The Token Economy is another suggestion that Skinner might give. Using tangible tokens along with praising words can be a helpful reinforcer for older children. And finally, Catch em’ Being Good might be a suggestion Skinner gives as a spontaneous extra token/reinforcer of their positive behavior.

What advantages are there to Skinner's approach?

Skinner’s approach gives the child accountability. It also gives clear boundaries and expectation for the child and the parent. This cuts down on the conflict and arguments, especially when there is consistency in the reinforcement.

Mama Bombed Her Test

One of the most valuable experiences that I glean from being a college student at the same time as being a mother is empathy. An understanding of another's burden because you have experienced it. Well, I can now empathize with my children (when they are in college) about how it feels to fail a college level exam. It's no fun!

I studied as much as possible. I filled out all the answers to the Study Guide questions. And I took the test. The test was a proctored closed-book exam. Unfortunately for me, I really Really need to be able to use my notes. My recall skills are very weak. This grade showed me just how weak they are. In fact, I'm actually going to be bold enough to ask my professor for mercy. I CAN NOT fail this class!! Leif suggested that I offer to write extra papers for extra credit. I would be happy to do that. I learn so much more if I have to research and write about it. Tests are pointless for me.

So anyway, life will go on. And Yes, this class was my STRESS MANAGEMENT class. The Irony!

Stress Management: Detailed Assessment

September 15, 2011

Stress Management 3400

Assignment 1

Grade: 15/15

Professor Comments: "You have had many challenges early on in your life. This has tried your strength, your belief system and who you really are. It looks like you are working on accepting health issues and trying to move forward. You seem to have a positive outlook which can help at times. Although you worry about some things I am sure in time you will achieve some of your dreams. You may want to add Cognitive Reconstruction to your list of techniques and or Behavior Modification. Read what Wayne Dyer has to say in the text about worry. Your physical score was very good considering all of your challenges. It is great to see that you love being a mother and a wife. You will have many rewards from you love. Keep up the good work and take care of yourself during this semester in this class

Ten Stressors – Four Coping Techniques – Who Am I?

PART ONE

                                                                                                           

1.  I wish I could either heal, and be a normal healthy mother. Or just accept my ailments 100% and learn to work around them and find pure happiness: Truthfully, I need to accept the body that I was given and find gratitude in all that it gives me and make’s possible. There is so much to be grateful for about my body. There are many difficulties. But I need to focus on the goodness of my body. What is my plan? My plan is to journal every night at least one thing I am grateful for about my body that day, not mentioning anything negative. I have to find the positive, for I know that it is there! I might even write it by hand instead of typing it… An interesting thought.

2.  I feel like I walk around with a storm cloud within my countenance the majority of the time. I don't laugh enough or smile enough, especially with or at my children: I know that much of this self perception and outward reality comes from a chemical imbalance and bad PMS. I will faithfully take the proper medication. This will help! I will also take the time to listen to funny speakers such as John Bytheway and Mary-Ellen Edmands.

3.  I really want a bigger house. I want rooms with walls and doors. I want coat closets and laundry closets, and bathtubs and more then one bathroom. I want to live on ground level: We live rent-free in an upstairs make-shift apartment that is around 800 square feet. Our three children sleep in the one bedroom that has walls and a door (with a lock from the outside.) My husband and my bedroom is partitioned off by a curtain at night. The office is a closet sized room that used to be the baby nursery. We have lived here 5 years. This year I celebrated the arrival of a dishwasher and mini clothes washer and dryer. I have been given much, but I do dream of a normal house with more space. There is not much to do about this other then practice patience and gratitude.

4.  I miss Leif's frequent company and help: My husband has either been a full time online student or worked a less then full time job for the last five years. He is currently a student in the evenings and working a full time job. I am trying to function and learn how to be without him. I miss his help and his company.

5.  I wish we had money to get my hair colored every three months: This should actually say, “I wish I could look like I did before my five pregnancies.”  Getting my hair done is just one thing that doesn’t take a lot of effort on my part to do and it brightens my self perception for a little while.

6.  I wish life wasn't so expensive: So much of what we need and want takes money. Housing, clothes, cars, home school supplies, travel, etc. I just look forward to a day when the budget isn’t quite so tight.

7.  I wish I could control my sweet tooth: I am addicted to rich ice cream and chocolate. It is a  true addiction, and it  ails me.

8.  I wish that I lived closer to my sister: I wish that my sister and I lived close enough to have weekend visits and cook-a-thons. I wish our kids knew eachother better. I would just love her company.

10.  My spiritual wellbeing is very much lacking: I have improved, but there is still more I could do. I just want to feel the spirit more often.

What (new) four techniques do I want to implement into my daily life?

Exercise: My goal is to exercise during Jakob’s math program, while JJ naps.

Yoga: My goal is to do Yoga at least three nights each week.

Massage Therapy: My goal is to get a massage every week. My husband is a massage therapist who recently opened up a Day Spa. I have had maybe two or three massages in the last several years. I have been too pregnant, sick, or not had a place to put the massage table up to this point. It is time to make an appointment with my husband. I will also have him alternate Cranial Sacral massage with traditional massage.

Comic Relief (John Bytheway, Mary-Ellen Edmands): My goal is to listen to a talk once a week. I will also look for reasons to laugh more. I won’t hold back. I might even pull down Leif’s Calvin and Hobb’s comic books. 

PART TWO

My Physical Symptom’s Questionnaire score averaged 30. I would actually be surprised if it didn’t. I would obviously like to bring my score down, but at the moment the score seems accurate. Luckily, my severity score was in the low to mid range. However, my symptoms have persisted throughout the week. 

PART THREE

Who Am I?

I am a 32-year-old woman. I was a High School graduate. I was a Professional Nanny. I was a Missionary. I was a Single Roommate living in Hawaii. I finally became a wife. I finally became a mother.  I have been married for 8 years. I have been pregnant 5 times. I have six children. I have had one miscarriage. I have delivered one set of identical twin daughters. I have lost that set of identical twin daughters. And I have delivered 3 healthy still-living boys.

I am a daughter, a sister, a sister in law, a daughter in law, an aunt, a wife, a mother, a friend, a teacher, a student, a mommy-blogger, a neighbor, a counselor, a dishwasher, a chef, a laundress, a janitor, a taxi service, a party planner, a financial planner, and a vet.

Right now, I am a wife and a mother. Everything else stems from, revolves around, or takes a temporary back seat occasionally to these two things.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. As a little girl, I would play with my dolls and play house. When I was old enough I would mother my siblings and friends. I still do this,(luckily that has calmed down a bit). I have always identified myself as a caregiver. And now, I am a mother. That is who I am.

When I grew old enough to notice, I recognized another longing within my soul. It was a feeling far more mature then that of my school age friends. I felt my soul searching for its other half. It was a feeling so profound within me that I often kept it within myself. I didn’t treat my heart’s desire lightly or flippantly. I knew that when I found him, I would be complete. And I was right! I am a wife. That is who I am.

There are a lot of significant experiences that have contributed to who I am today. As well as how I am at who I am today. As a child and into my youth I lived in a high- stress home, otherwise known as a chaotically cohesive family. This has been a huge influence on who and how I am. I served a mission for my church before I was married. This experience influenced me in countless positive ways. I learned about the power of faith in God. I also learned that I was a woman of interest and value, someone that a man could be interested in. Who would have thought I’d learn that while serving a mission? J When I married my husband, I found pure joy and peace for the first time in my life. His love and influence is a constant influence in my life. I had plenty of difficulties leading up to motherhood. But nothing has played a bigger influence on me physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, as pregnancy and motherhood. And so far, nothing has matched the loss of my girls. This experience alone has altered who I am mind, body, and spirit.

I am many things. But above all, I am a mother. I am a wife. 

A Parent's Most Important Role? Child Guidance Discussion Question 1

What are some of the most important roles parents play in their children's life? The first thought that came to mind while pondering this question was, example. As a parent we are an ever-present example to our children. Whether we are a good example or a negative example is up to us.

Sometimes this role alone weighs the most on my shoulders as a mother. Most of the time it is a natural instinct to provide for our children's basic needs of food and shelter. But it is not always "natural" to be an example of kindness, love, and patience. However, it is vital that our children learn these traits in order to find peace as an adult. We, as parents, are our children's first and most consistent teachers. The role of teaching by example, and making it a good example, might just be one of the most important roles a parent plays in their child's life. 

Parenting is like Ice Cream

Lena Baron

August 12, 2011

GRADE: 50/50

“This was one of the most original metaphors I have ever read! I loved your outline of the history of ice cream and your comparison to parenting. Well done!”

Parenting is like Ice Cream

Over the last couple of weeks, I have pondered this assignment and tried to come up with a metaphor for parenting that I could incorporate several of the different concepts taught in this unit with. My first conclusion was, Parenting is like trying to read a map that has been written in multiple languages, none of which you speak. However, I chose a metaphor that covers something in which I am far more familiar with rather than speaking bilingually, which I don’t do. The metaphor I have chosen is Parenting is like Ice Cream. We can go with the hard stuff or the cold, stick with what our parents gave us, or choose a different kind. Perhaps, the most important factor to weigh is what kind of ice cream really fits what you like and what you want. Then you have to consider what is best for your fellow ice cream eaters. Grab a bowl of your favorite ice cream, slow down for a minute, and let me tell you how Parenting is like Ice Cream.

Research Can be a Benefit

According to our text, “Historically, parenting has been viewed as a “sacred cow”, meaning that extended family members or individuals in society didn’t intervene in a parenting relationship… This assumption meant that research within the family structure wasn’t valued and there was nothing new to learn about families because everyone had all the answers. Newer more contemporary views on the family rely on education and research to improve family functioning.”(Chapter 11) The history of ice cream followed a similar pattern as parenting research. For example, up until the 1980’s the ice cream flavors consisted of the very basics, vanilla, chocolate, and the occasional strawberry. In 1983 Cookies n’ Cream came on the market and due to the new excitement and high demand it was quickly followed up with Cookie Dough Ice Cream and the list of creative ice cream concoctions has only grown since then.

To Be, or Not to Be, like Our Parents: That is the Question

The new found variety in ice cream flavors resembles that of the newly defined parenting philosophies and roles of today. Often times a person will naturally choose the same flavors of ice cream as an adult that they were given as a child. Just as a new parent often cares for their young child in the same way they were cared for as children. (Chapter 11) However, there often comes a time in a parent’s life when they have to define their roles and philosophy as a parent. Just as many people prefer hard ice cream to soft served ice cream, many parents can be defined as having a hard-core parenting style such as Authoritarian or a softer approach such as Authoritative parents.(Chapter 14)

Decisions – Decisions - Decisions

When a person chooses a particular ice cream, they have to make several decisions before they choose their ice cream. They have to decide if they want hard or soft, what base flavor they want, if they want anything else mixed with the ice cream, if they want to top their ice cream with anything else, and so on. Parents today are faced with similar decisions such as, how many children they want, how they will manage financially, what type of childcare they will use if necessary, how they will disciple their children, and what values they want to instill within their children. We read within our text that in order for parents to best make their decisions “there are a few things parents need to develop an understanding of as they think about the future of their children. The first is having a level of personal self-awareness. Parents who understand their own strengths and weaknesses have a better working knowledge of their children and what is acceptable.” (Chapter 13)

It Really Can Be So Much Fun!

Eating a bowl of ice cream is so much more enjoyable when you include a little time to play. As an ice cream enthusiast myself, I find it very enjoyable to share my favorite ice cream with friends and family as we play a game or watch a movie. Parenting, like ice cream, is a lot more enjoyable when you include a little playtime. “Adults who are trying to slow down the pace of life recognize the importance of play in the lives of their children. They value the time they get to spend with their children on the floor engaged in active play, or outside exploring new environments.”(Chapter 14)

Slow Down! Care and Observation is required.

During the 8 years that I have been married there has been more than one occasion when I open the refrigerator in the morning only to find that through carelessness and distraction the ice cream that was so enjoyable the night before is now a soupy mess. Instead of putting it back in the freezer, it was put in the fridge instead. It is important to remember that parenting, like ice cream, needs to be properly cared for. “Taking time for a deep breath can eliminate a lot of frustration and feelings of being frazzled. Deliberately thinking about the things that need to be accomplished and developing a plan, and consciously deciding not to rush, can prevent the frustration and stress from creeping in and taking over a situation. (Chapter 11)

Anyone who has a very favorite flavor of ice cream knows that it is not easy to stop at just one scoop, once a week. Parenting, like ice cream, often requires more then the minimum. “It isn’t really a matter of quantity time versus quality time. Children need both. Parents need to have special interactions with their children that focus on communication, fun, learning, and connection. They also need to have these times often. Children simply need parents, and the more they are enjoying the company of one another, the stronger the likelihood of a secure attachment.”(Chapter 11) It is a fact that a consistent amount of rich and creamy ice cream eaten in large quantities can inevitably become attached to you. In fact, just in the study done about secure attachment, a person could end up feeling like they are always carrying a baby in a snuggly. J (Chapter 11)

Exercising Patience through Quiet Availability

Once a parent has secured a healthy attachment with their child, it is not always easy to sit back and allow the child to stretch their wings and explore. Parenting, like ice cream, does require quiet availability. If a person purchases a carton of ice cream and eats the whole carton within the same day. This could be considered on the “over indulgence” side of things, just as a parent who follows their child around like a shadow, rather then stepping back when necessary and allowing the child to come to them and ask for help or feedback could establish a negative pattern. Sometimes it is necessary to allow the ice cream to sit in the freezer untouched even when you really want to dig in. (Chapter 14)

Creating Your Own Flavor

Ultimately, parents create their own flavor and flare of ice cream. By creating special times such as family rituals, traditions, and values, they swirl ribbons and chucks of candies and fruits into their own mix and through trial and error end up with their own personal “family favorite.”(Chapter 15)

And that, my friend, is how parenting, is like ice cream. 

Slow Down and Play

Lena Baron

August 3, 2011

GRADE: 30/30

“Fantastic insights into the importance of play!”

Slow Down and Play

As a mother of three very active little boys, I feel like I’m “playing” all of the time. In reality, I’m just the referee. I found that in order for me to really play and have fun at the same time, it took some planning. This was not a new discovery for me. Thankfully, this assignment encouraged me to make the time to play with my boys and have fun.

What did you do to "play"? 

My first episode of playing was with my 6 year old son. We played a couple of rounds of the card game RACKO. We woke up to an overcast and drizzly day. So it was the perfect setting to play a game of cards. I put the little boys down for nap and pulled out the box. My son’s eyes lit up in surprise and anticipation. We sat together and re-learned how to play the game. As we sat together, the rain pounded the roof above us with a downpour and the storm threatened the power, making the game all the more enjoyable and out of the ordinary. My son came up with a fun way to mix things up a bit during our second round of cards. He decided we would switch cards in the middle of the game. It was fun to let loose a bit and pretend shock and dismay at the sight of my cards after he had played them for a while. As if my game plan was all unraveled. Yet, in reality, my real plan went off without a hitch. Our episode of play could not have been more enjoyable.

My second episode of playing was a simple game of Wii Bowling with my two oldest boys. I had planned ahead as far as establishing this particular day as my “play” day. However, I had forgotten this “plan” and it was almost time to prepare for dinner. That is, until I recognized my prime opportunity to “play”. My boys had set up the game to play together and my 3 year old was struggling to figure out how to play. To my oldest son’s surprise and delight I offered to take the time to help my younger son with his turn and then to go on and play the winner a couple of games of bowling, oh the joy in my boys’ eyes! My oldest son won the game and I was able to play against him. I even won a silver medal! However, the real warm fuzzy moment came when my husband walked in from work and saw us playing together. He came to me and with a hug and a kiss thanked me for taking the time to play with the kids. It really meant a lot to him because he understands the sacrifice that I was making as well as the benefits of what I was offering to my children, my time and my love.

How did it meet some of the definitions of play including: pleasurable and enjoyable, no extrinsic goals, spontaneous and voluntary, active engagement, and make-believe?  

            My episodes of play fit within the categories of Pleasurable and Enjoyable, Voluntary, and Active Engagement. With the game of RACKO I did have an extrinsic goal of helping my son practice his math skills and that episode was not spontaneous. However, the Wii game could be considered spontaneous. As you may note, I do not have Make Believe listed during my play episodes. This is because I lack the skill of pretending and “make-believe.” Really, it is a lack of ability. Thankfully, this is my husband’s forte.

Looking into the future, how can activities such as this help you stay balanced as a parent with your children, or children around you?

            My husband came home last night after a long day and informed me that he concluded after a session of introspection that he literally feels as if he is in a constant state of juggling. At this point, all of the balls are staying up in the air. But it takes a lot of concentration and balancing to keep them going. He has his family, a new business, and EMT classes that he is juggling. After pondering his comment and reflecting on my episodes of play, I have decided that it would be helpful for my husband as well as the whole family if I were to consciously make the time that my husband is home moments of Active Engagement with our children. I will set my things aside and just “play.” I know that this will fill my husbands love bucket, not to mention everyone’s love bucket. It will also elevate stress as we focus on what really matters in our home during our few moments together in the day. 

Gottman's Principles 6 and 7

GRADE: 50/50 (It is fascinating to look back at family relationships and evaluate. I am tempted to analyze sometimes and that is a dangerous thing for me! I enjoyed reading your paper!)

Lena Baron

Assignment 12

Principles 6 and 7

Overcome Gridlock

Create Shared Meaning

Overcome Gridlock: “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” – John Gottman

After a long time of digging for an example of gridlock within my marriage I have decided to move away from my marriage and talk about my parent’s marriage which is filled with gridlock and unmet dreams. This is not a fun topic for me. Mostly because I can’t take the steps that Gottman suggests to solve my parent’s issues. However, I can learn from them and if the chance arises, I can try to give suggestions. In the end, my parents need some serious time in Gottmans’s Love Lab.

Gottman says “to navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand the cause.” He goes on to say, “gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.”

I believe one of the main differences between my marriage and my parent’s marriage is that my husband and I recognize each other’s dreams and if and when possible, we work to help each other fulfill those dreams. Not all dreams are completely attainable. However, the key is the fact that we’ve validated each other in our dreams. My parents on the other hand seem to be so deeply engrained in their habits of bringing out the four horsemen that it leaves no room at all to even see the other person for who they really are and what they really want, let alone why they want it.

At the end of his book Gottman brings up a vitally important point that I believe would be crucial in healing my parent’s marriage and opening up a path for them to see each other’s dreams. He talks about criticism and what causes a spouse to be chronically critical, he says, “the other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during child-hood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.” He goes on to explain, “if you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner. And let’s face it: Anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there-we take those for granted.”

Both of my parent’s grew up in difficult family situations. My father was sickly and small throughout his childhood. He then got bone cancer in his twenties and lost his leg. He never fully recovered from this emotionally and has always been self-critical, which I believe has led to him never fully embracing my mother’s good traits. My mother grew up in a stress-filled home where her father was sick and her mother worked full time. They never had any money and I don’t think she ever felt validated for the work that she did for her family. This self-concept moved right over into her marriage.

As a product of my parent’s marriage, I have unfortunately mastered the art of being self-critical. I can speak from personal experience that if a person becomes entrenched in the habit of self-criticism, it will most definitely distort their view of those around them, especially their “other-half”, being their spouse.

I also find this especially true with my children. I have a 6-year-old son. He is a wonderful child with a kind and obedient heart. However, he is a child, and children are practicing through trial and error how to become an obedient and responsible adult. They are also known for being egocentric. In the end, this means that they are often naturally difficult and ungrateful. My husband on the other hand has accomplished the task of becoming a thoughtful and responsible adult. This means that he is able to offer assistance and gratitude when appropriate. I have often asked myself why I am not able to have as peaceful of a relationship with my son as I have with my husband.  I believe that it is because my husband doesn’t invoke my feelings of inadequacy as my son does. After reading Gottman’s book, I have realized that I am most critical with my children during the times when I feel the most inwardly self-critical (a.k.a clueless as a parent.) So how do I overcome this? How could my parent’s overcome this? How do we get to a point where we can see another person’s dreams as well as our own? Could it possibly be as easy as finding gratitude, as Gottman suggests?

After sharing a wonderful exercise on how to go about seeking out the positive he goes on to say, “As you stretch the period of thanksgiving one day beyond a week, and then another day, and then another, you’ll receive a great gift: You will begin to forgive yourself. Grace and forgiveness will enter your world. This is what the spiritual “Amazing Grace” is all about. You begin to enjoy your own accomplishments, rather than consider them inadequate.” He continues, “The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.”

Truly, I believe that forgiving themselves and finding the good in each other will be the first step towards healing in my parent’s marriage. It is interesting that this lesson is in the very back of Gottman’s book… In my opinion, Gottman could have named his book “Seven Principles to Forgiveness.”

Create Shared Meaning:

My husband and I have a deep sense of Shared Meaning within our marriage and family. We were able to naturally move into a few rituals because they were family rituals that we both grew up with. For example, we both grew up in families who ate dinner together as a family, without the television on. We both grew up going to church on Sunday. And we both celebrated the holidays with family.

As a couple, and as a family, Leif and I have continued these same rituals as well as establishing some of our own. On an every day basis Leif and I have a ritual of saying “I love you” at the end of a phone call with each other. We also give each other a kiss in greeting or goodbyes. As a family, one of my favorite rituals is the natural (unspoken, not planned) ritual that we have of celebrating when anyone walks in the door after being apart for a while. Another ritual we have more on a weekly basis is that we go grocery shopping together.

Leif and I have a fun ritual that started when our oldest child was around two years old. We creatively decorate a cake for the child who’s celebrating a birthday. We’ve had a lot of fun with this and it has created a special bond as a couple and as parents. As a family, we go out every year just after thanksgiving to cut down a Christmas tree. When it comes time to decorate the tree, I give the kids each a new Christmas book that they can look at while we get the tree wrapped in lights. Going back to the daily rituals, I will mention that bedtime is filled with rituals. Papa (Leif) tells a story, we read scriptures, pray, Mama feeds the baby after lights-out, and hopefully the ritual of getting out of bed to go to the bathroom again is forgotten.

We have a family Mission Statement and a Family Motto. The mission statement is a scripture: Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God; That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High. Our Motto is, “We Are All on the Same Team!” This has given us a clear base for our goals and philosophies as a couple and as a family.

Finally, I will mention a few of the Symbols of our family. First, Jesus Christ is the prominent symbol in our home and family. Much of what happens within our home revolves around the teachings and influence of Jesus Christ. The LDS Temple is another symbol that reminds us of the promises we have made as a couple as well as the blessing we are promised from the Lord. We have a curio case that holds all of our twins’ belongings and memorabilia as well as an oil painting of the girls. We also have a flower garden dedicated to them and their memory. These are all symbols of the journey and lessons that we have traveled because of our girls.

As I finished this book by John Gottman I found myself preparing to read it again. I hope to organize a bit and follow a few of the exercises that Gottman gives throughout the book. Ultimately, I would love to feel confident in his Seven Principles to teach it to my small town community. I feel like it could be a gift to many couples. Thank you for sharing it with us! 

Gottman's Principles 4 and 5

GRADE: 40/50 (I like what you have written. It is a good start. Including more specific examples of each principle would make a more complete paper. Also, Gottman wrote "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" and it is excellent!)

Lena Baron

Assignment 11

Principles 4 and 5

Let Your Partner Influence You

Solve Your Solvable Problems

While reading Gottman’s book my mind keeps screaming, “I need a Gottman’s PARENTING book!” He is so right on for marriage. Imagine how he could help with parenting!  But that’s a discussion for a different time.

While reading about Principle 4, Let Your Partner Influence You, I found this principle to be an original concept that I hadn’t really heard throughout my marriage studies up to this point. My studies are limited, yet I think that this idea is somewhat limited as well in its popularity. In addition, Gottman goes beyond the “norm” of yesteryear and tells husbands to start listening to their wives if they want a happy marriage, with a little mumble at the end that wives should also listen and learn from their husbands. I found it a bit humorous.

I appreciated the fact that Gottman didn’t leave the subject at “husband’s listen to your wives…” He brought in the why behind the suggestion. He says, “Although it is always important for both husband and wife to try to keep the four horsemen from taking over in times of conflict, it is especially important that men be aware of the danger to their marriage when they use one of them to escalate the negativity. For some reason, when a wife uses the four horsemen in the same manner, the marriage does not become more unstable. At this point, the data do not offer an explanation for this disparity. But we know that as a general rule women do accept influence from their husbands, which may help to explain the gender differences in our findings. So although it certainly makes sense for both partners to avoid escalating conflicts in this way, the bottom line is that husbands put their marriage at added risk when they do.”

When applying this principle to my marriage, I find myself profoundly grateful. I found a husband who wouldn’t know how to use the four horsemen on purpose if I asked him to. I have mentioned our weaknesses toward flooding and stonewalling in my previous paper. But with gratitude I can say that my husband doesn’t use the four horsemen on a daily basis and sometimes we can get through a conflict without him bringing them out at all. However, I can’t say the same for me. I grew up in a home where the four horsemen were members of the household. They were living and breathing entities within the walls of our home. Unfortunately, it takes a complete overhaul of habitudes to shake their influence from ones soul. Thank heaven’s that the husband’s influence in this regard can make or break a relationship.

I enjoyed reading through Principle 5, Solve Your Solvable Problems. This principle is one that I will refer back to often in the next while as I try to apply these principles to my marriage. I love that Gottman gives suggestions within this principle that are doable and so helpful. Again, I bring up parenting. I know these five steps will help me as a parent as well as a wife. While talking about Step 3, Soothe Yourself and Each Other, Gottman gives a Self Soothing exercise. I need to take this exercise and master it, and soon! As a massage therapist, my husband has mastered the art of relaxation and calming down. I am a work in progress to say the least.

Step One, Soften Your Startup, brought an image to mind. It went something like this; I’m cleaning up the living room for the umpteenth time that day, I am frazzled with my world and the kids, I’m at the end of my rope. Leif is in the next room. Suddenly, I find myself screaming his name (as if all that I’m feeling is his darn fault! And he better fix everything, Yesterday!) Well, those were my thoughts and feelings anyway. However, now that I’ve been taught the skills (Soften Your Startup), I have a choice to make. Leif hasn’t entered the room yet. When he does, am I going to continue my path with the four gallant horsemen, or am I going to calm down and soften my startup?  I pray that I can master that soft startup.

Warning Signs and a Love Map

GRADE: 50/50 (Great job! The emotion in your story almost brought me to tears. Sometimes, it is the challenges and sacrifices that bring us closer together.)

Lena Baron

Assignment 9

Warning Signs and a Love Map

I recently wrote a paper for my Balancing Work, Family and Marriage class where we summed up how we were going to find a balance between work, family, and marriage ten years down the road. After reading these three chapters in Gottman’s book, I wish I could rewrite my paper. 

My husband, Leif, and I have a happy marriage. However, I grew up in the classic negative example of marriage that Gottman discussed. The one headed toward divorce. For as long as I can remember, I have fought against the example that was set within my home of origin. I instinctively knew that my parent’s relationship was extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy. I was a junior in High School when I took my first Communications class. I remember feeling like a lost soul in the desert who had just found a stream. Learning a healthy way of communicating was life changing for me.

With this said, I have to admit that I felt a little uneasy when Gottman said that the “old school” way of therapy is ineffective. However, as I read further, truth be told, Gottman just teaches us a newer way to communicate. It’s not that communication isn’t important. But that’s just my opinion.

After reading about Harsh Startup’s, The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Body Language, Failed Repair, and Bad Memories, I have renewed my commitment to be more aware of my own personal thoughts and actions when communicating with my husband. 

Leif and I didn’t argue or bicker for the first two years of our dating and married life. That isn’t because we were in denial that there were ever struggles or that we were numb to our own needs or emotions. It is because we had a very healthy positive to negative thinking ratio. We both focused so much upon the positive within each other that there was little room for any negativity. We also had a healthy Love Map filled with growing details. It took harsh real life experiences, the loss of our twin daughters, within the third year of our marriage to rattle us off our virtually flawless foundation.

While reading about all of these warning signs I recognize them within our marriage only as shadows of the grief and hardships that stems from the loss of our girls and the sequence of events that followed. Their loss was only the beginning of a very difficult and life-altering season for our family. We had sold our business, a national nanny agency, only months before our girls’ were born, our savings was spent during and after the drama, and Leif’s real-estate license was useless due to the latest economic problems of that time.  Leif entered back into the college scene at 28 years old with only a Massage Therapy and Real Estate certification. We settled into my in-law’s “barn” (an apartment above their garage) and have lived here ever since. We have three children now and Leif has almost 10 years left in his school career before he will settle into his chosen profession as a Nurse Anesthetist.

I share the personal details of our life in order to explain how the warning signs that Gottman tells us about in his book apply to my marriage relationship. If Leif and I were to sit down and pin point our weaknesses they would most likely be flooding and stonewalling. I am the “flooder” in the relationship and my poor husband feels the “flooding”.  My weakness is allowing more emotion into the moment then what is involved in the present issue. Sometimes the flooding becomes so overwhelming that Leif resorts to stonewalling rather than taking on all of the issues again. And then if we’re both in a weak moment we’ll bring in criticism and defensiveness.

Leif and I are both reading Gottman’s book. When I asked my husband what strengths he thought we had as a couple he brought up the fact that our repair attempts are successful. We are able to argue or “hash things out” and end with a stronger relationship.

We have been asked how we have managed to keep our marriage alive and even thrive despite our losses and hard times. I truly believe that it is because through it all we have remained friends. We have steadily increased the details on our Love Map on a daily basis, we have always tried to meet each other’s needs first, and above all, we have continued to nourish our friendship.

Every day throughout our marriage Leif and I have used shop and small talk to keep our connection strong. As we end the day it’s not uncommon for us to take a few minutes and update each other on any commitments we’ve made, plans we’ve set, or conversations we’ve had that we feel like sharing. Along with staying connected through updating, we build our love map through observation and retention. By this, I mean that we observe each other as we are out and about together or with other people at a party or activity. We listen to what the other has to say, we observe the things that the other finds interesting or not interesting. As the years have progressed, we have come to a point where we know each other’s stories before the second word comes out. We know what book the other person is looking for on the shelf without asking because we’ve paid attention to the series of books the other is reading. We know the nitty-gritty details about each other because we want to know. And this desire motivates us to take the time to find out the details.

When I was in the hospital for six weeks prior to our twin’s birth Leif made the sacrifices necessary in order to ensure that I was able to visit with our son. Leif would come to the hospital every morning with our son and they would visit until his naptime. Leif would then take him home and bring him back so we could all eat dinner together. On occasion, Leif would find a babysitter for our son and he would come to the hospital for a “date night.” These were very special times. This is just one example of how we do our best to meet each other’s needs.

The trust that Leif and I have built over the years has strengthened our friendship and love. This bond of friendship and trust keeps us from chronically using the deadly communication tactics against each other that are discussed in Gottam’s book. Now that we are reading this book together we will be able to take the principles taught and apply it where needed, specifically when we are tempted to use flooding and stonewalling.