Count Down to the Departure

We leave in Less Then ONE WEEK! AmAzInG!!! 

Plans changed Thursday from having a moving company leave a trailer for us to pack and them driving  it out - to - Us reserving a Budget truck to drive. Leif will drive the truck while pulling our little car and I will drive the van. Jakob will ride with Leif and I will have the Littles. We will save A LOT of money and I feel like I have been prepared ahead of time for this journey. Not ideal. But I'm grateful for the fact that I can even phathom the idea even with my driving phobias.

SATURDAY 18th: Family Brunch (Family in town from Utah), Caleb's Year End Party
Pack
SUNDAY 19th: Leif sings in church, Traditional tie dying summer tee shirts

MONDAY 20th: Jakob and Leif Field Trip to Glenn Canyon Damn, Lena IEP Meeting for Caleb, Neighborhood Farewell Picnic
Pack
TUESDAY 21st: Temple Recommend interviews
Pack
WEDNESDAY 22nd: Pick up Budget Truck from St. George, Elders Q and Scouts come to help load trailer
Pack
THURSDAY 23rd: Load up and organize vehicles for road trip

FRIDAY 24th - TUESDAY 28th: Fredonia - Flagstaff KAO - Albuquerque KAO - Amarillo KAO or Hotel - Oklahoma City KOA or Hotel - Carthage Missouri Bruce and Chris Westwood Civil War Ranch House

Travel Entertainment: 
Videos
Magic School Bus (Complete Series)
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (movies)
Puppy and Kitten Party
Tailspin Volume 1
Tom and Jerry Volume 3
Duck Tales Volume 2
AudioBooks
A Step of Faith, Richard Paul Evans
Softly and Tenderly, Sara Evans and Rachel Hauck
Beyonders: A World Without Heroes, Brandon Mull

We will stay in my uncle's ranch house until we find our "permanent home." Leif will begin work at the Springfield MO Mercy Hospital on June 10th. 

Today With Lupus

May is Lupus Awareness Month. Part of me hesitates to be very vocal about my fight against Lupus. I think it stems from the fact that I haven't had all of the blood work done so I don't have a slip of paper that tells me in black and white that "You Have Lupus!" In fact, deep down I am terrified that some day when I've finally seen all of the specialists they will come back and tell me that I don't have Lupus and in fact the tests all say I am perfectly healthy. Yes, I am afraid they will tell me that I'm not sick. Because, the truth of the matter is my every day life screams of a fight. So let's talk about it a little, shall we?

Today with Lupus

Today I woke up at 5:30 and felt the strange internal anxiety that I often feel. I squirmed and stretched too much before I was really awake and ended up with aches and pains that could have been avoided if I had just held still while waking up.

Today it took me four hours to get the motivation and strength to get myself breakfast, my medicine, and a shower. I had to lay down in between each task as well as ask my husband to take care of the kids so I could focus and make sure I was taking the right medication in the right way.

Today I want to stop taking the medication (Prednisone) that has helped me in so many ways because I have gained weight that was so hard to lose and my face resembles a full moon. But I won't stop.

Today is like so many others before it. Filled with patches of remembering and forgetting. Words and thoughts, coming and going. Cement instead of Cinnamon... They mean the same thing, Right?

Today I felt fear of what others might think of me when I move to our new home. I wondered if they will understand why I can't spend too much time outside in the sun or help with the big projects or run and play with the kids. I know I will feel guilty for not being able to help or do enough. I fear they will see me as lazy and selfish. Fear is a sneaking devise.

Today the kids had pizza for lunch, leftovers for dinner and popcorn for breakfast. Lovely!

Today I have a swollen nerve in my lower back - and on my head - and one on my arm and foot. Inflamed nerves cause sharp pain or ridiculous itching. We won't even discuss the sore in my nose and the jagged hairline that I discovered They're Great!;).

And then it happened:

Today I suddenly found myself thinking clearly and moving around productively... The hour was fabulous!:)

Today I kept going. I prayed. I rested. I kept going. I prayed. I rested. I kept going. I prayed. And finally I will sleep.  Because tomorrow will be another day very much like it was Today.

Leaving Them Behind but Inviting Them Near

I didn't think it would really matter... But now I know it does because the tears have began to flow, and that is rare, indeed.  Last night I dreamed about abandoned babies at a store that turned out to be broken pieces of a doll or small decorated kidney beans. In the dream I really wanted to keep "the babies" all for myself. I woke up with my first thought being about the rose bushes growing outside in our front yard.  I wonder what will happen to them?

This is the jumbled emotions of my Mother Heart trying to process the reality that I must leave. I will leave with three of my children and I will have to leave my girls and their hallowed ground here, creating even more distance between us then there has already been. For some reason it has become hard and sad.

To get through the aching lump in my throat that has surprised me throughout the day I start to day dream about the memorial that we will build again for our girls. Everywhere we go their is always a place for them. Our landing place when we get to Missouri won't be where we will set down roots. But it will be a special home for our family, owned by family.  I am hoping they won't mind if we put a little garden together in my girls honor. A place where I can nurture and beautify and ponder the journey of life. Some day I hope to have a place with two cherub angels statues and maybe even a bench to sit in and teach my boys about their sisters and the lessons that they taught us during their short but profound life. To everything there is a season.

This is a season that has been long awaited and carries many beautiful changes and treasures. And yes, some very sad and difficult changes as well. I didn't think this would be one of them. But I was wrong. The power of a Mother's Love is still surprising to me. And what is more surprising is how, some how, we carry on.

Always Remember: Be One Person

Always Remember to be one person. Life will grant you the opportunity to be many things in many different places. You will be a family member in your home. You will be a student in a classroom. You might be a Sunday school teacher, a scout leader, or an executive officer in a corporation. In all of your roles and places be the same person with the same character, habits, and manners. In all places and in all things be one. 

Good Day - Sunshine!

Today was one of those days in life when the past meets with the present and feels just like sunshine! 

An Unexpected Day Off

Sometimes you just need an unexpected day off. A day when you stop all of the everyday normal and relax without guilt or limits. Yesterday was our unplanned forced Day Off. And it was great. Strange, but great!

I went to sleep the night before knowing that I needed a little change from the stress of cleaning and packing for the move. My nerves were shot. So Leif and I were thinking about a trip into St. George to do some shopping. Instead, Caleb woke up at 5:15 in the morning and refused to be still until everyone was out of bed. Jakob was not thrilled at being woke up as he wasn't feeling well in general. We were throwing around the idea of whether to go on our little outing when Jakob suddenly came out of the shower having breathing trouble. Real trouble! Such a scary thing! We only have ideas of what officially causes his episodes (allergies,  stress, ??)  but thank heavens for his inhaler. Leif gave him a treatment and checked his vitals. Gratefully Jakob was breathing normal again. Grumpy and moody, but normal. We sent him to lay down and he was not happy about that! Unfortunately, within 30 minutes he was having another attack. This time I was really nervous and insisted that we go to the ER. We gave him an inhaler treatment and headed out the door as soon as grandma got to the house to watch the little ones. It takes 15 minutes to get to the hospital. We drove into the parking lot and Jakob was just fine and asking if he could play the Kindle while we were there. Uggg! We did not want to spend the first half of the day in the ER if he was okay! Leif went in to the hospital and gratefully ran in to our family doctor. After discussing things together we all decided that Jakob was probably safe to go home.

** Sorry I just got really tired and I can't finish this post unless I just make it bullet points.**

Went out to breakfast
Tried to take Caleb to Headstart but got there too late for him to be able to go to class.
I played with the boys outside while they road bikes and I pushed them on the tree rope swing (A BIG deal!)
Decided we would just call it a day off
Leif went to get a stack of movies and goodies/food
I cleaned up the house so I would be able to relax without stressing over the mess.
Grandma came to visit and I talked on the phone with Heather
Leif came home with everything including flowers for me :)
We made Little Smokies and passed out all the yummys
Leif and I watched Bones and the boys watched all kinds of movies.
Leif and I applied for a rental house in Nixa
Leif mowed the lawn
Leif and I set up the pully system in the van (to help me send things back and forth to the boys.)
Leif showed me the licence plate cover he got me (a really cute frog frame!)
6:00 came before I knew it (totally surprised)
Leif read to the kids from Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites while the littles played/argued
Everyone was exhausted from the early morning
Leif and I watched The Hobbit before going to sleep.

It felt so good to just let the stress and anxiety of the Normal Routine take a back seat for a day!! Loved It!!

Always Remember: Your Body Is A Gift

Always Remember that the ultimate reason for a person to come to this earth is to receive a body, an essential step in our eternal progression. Strive to gain an unconditional gratitude for the body that you have been given. Find thanks for the gift even when it hurts, is broken, and  is far from its brightest potential. The final product is beyond our wildest dreams. Find hope in this promise.

Always Remember: Be Gentle

Always Remember to be gentle to the people around you. Stop yourself before you judge harshly. Everyone has a story behind their weaknesses and mistakes. When you open your heart and mind to this reality and remember that you too have a story to tell, you will find that you are far more gentle on your neighbor. 

Lupus Update

We finally went to the doctor today. I really dislike going to the doctor. It is rare that a test ever tells me anything and Lupus is so complicated it's just exhausting to try to talk to a general practitioner about it. Today we took a few big steps forward though.

My doctor agreed with the other doctor that I have been working with that yes, indeed, we are most likely dealing with Lupus even though the blood work isn't completely cooperating with the conclusion. But as my doc reminded us today, there are several tests that help determine Lupus and I have only had one of them done. They have decided not to do any of the other tests because the plan is for me to find a Rheumatologist in Missouri when I get there. It is always a little validating to have a second opinion who agrees with the first.

We decided to start me on medication for the Lupus. I've avoided this because of possible side effects. But I need to try to regain my strength. So I'm going to start a one month round of Prednisone tomorrow and I have been taking plaquenil for about a week. Prednisone is a steroid and should help within a week or less. The other medication is complicated and it might help within 4 to 6 months. The key word is help. This is what I hope for.

And finally, the doc wrote up an order for me to have an abdominal/pelvic CT scan done. Lupus is known for randomly attacking different organs of the body. In the beginning of this flare up I went in to the ER with severe pain in my upper left abdomen. The pain has subsided over time but hasn''t gone away completely. Yesterday I had to lay down because my insides felt so swollen. I felt pregnant. It's really bizarre! This is a pretty bad flare. Anyway, I went off of all anti inflammation meds for today and tonight and my scan is in the morning. It will be interesting to find out the results. I should have them by the end of the week.

So there's my update.:) Time to get the kids into bed. G' Night for now!

Always Remember: You Are Stronger Then You Think You Are

Always Remember that you are stronger then you think you are. There will be days in your life that you are unsure if you can go on even one more day. Go one more! And keep going, one step at a time. I promise that some how, some way, you will get through. I promise that one day when the sun starts to shine through the clouds you will look back and stand amazed at the strength that you have. The strength to overcome all that we face in this life is within our soul. We must allow the Savior to unlock it.

Always Remember: You Never Know What Tomorrow Will Bring

Always remember that we never know what tomorrow will bring. It could be the same day as the last six days ahead of it with nothing spectacular to note. Or, it could be the day that changes your life forever. Ultimately, it could very well be your last day on this earth. Always remember to cherish the life you have been given and to love the people who make it worth cherishing. 

This post will be the first in a series that I will be writing called Always Remember. This series will be dedicated to myself, my family, and to my friends. Always Remember that I cherish you!

What is Lupus - To Me?

Here I sit in my living room. The lights are off and the front door is propped open. It's quiet. Such a nice sound. JJ's down in the yard playing. This is a normal thing. But it's still amazes me how I can never let my kids play outside alone for very long without feeling anxiety. That must come from my years and years of being a babysitter and nanny. Letting the kids out of my sight was not an option. It's interesting how some things just carry over. Anyway, Leif has Jakob and Caleb out in the hills with his parents and some friends shooting guns. I usually go with them. But not today. I just wish I had the strength to enjoy my life. To go forth and do. Too often I'm not able.

Yesterday the boys and Leif were all playing outside with their new Nerf laser guns. Jakob actually stopped and tried to get me to come and play. Truth is, I would have loved it. And sometimes I just push through the yuck and go out and play. But sometimes pushing isn't an option.

Sometimes my head hurts so bad I honestly worry that my eyes might dislodge. Such a lovely image, I know. Other times it makes me a little queasy. Most of the time it just hurts really bad and I go until I have to stop and cover my eyes with something that blocks the light. I feel like I am constantly monitoring what medication I have taken - need to take - or can't take.

My throat is raw. The sores have rotated locations throughout my throat and mouth for a few weeks. I've stopped counting. It hurts! Think Strep Throat that doesn't go away. And then take away all medication options (because it isn't a virus or bacteria or fungus).Last night I finally had a possible breakthrough idea. I lathered my throat and lips in Hydrocortisone cream (steroidal). This morning they felt a little better. Here's hoping. I've found that this helps with the rash on my face too. Always nice to find something that helps.

Weak. My body is weak. The combination of fatigue-pain-and fluid retention creates a weakness that is wearisome.

Have you every had to use a blow dryer set on high to get your feet to warm up? I have. At least once every day my feet become so cold that I am forced to stop and warm them. I have found that a blow dryer or a bowl of hot water works best. And then I usually realize that my hands have been as cold as my feet. Lovely!

I have things to do. So Much To Do!! We are supposed to move across the country in one month. How I wish I could do all of the packing and organizing that my heart and mind desires. Instead, I set the goal to pack at least one box every day and I celebrate if I am able to do more. Thanks Heavens (truly) for Leif's strength, motivation, and availability that makes it possible for him to do more then me. We would be lost without these blessings.

Well, there you have it. A little cry fest right from my very fingertips. Now I must leave you and close my eyes. Thank you for loving me through my weakness.