The Answer To My Greatest Fear

I have hesitated to mention what my absolute deepest fear is. I haven't always been plagued with this fear. It stemmed from the loss of my daughters and my grandmother. I don't talk about it much because I feel like if I mention it, it will be challenged and come to pass. My fear is that Leif will die young and I will be left without him. I can not put my feelings into words about what this thought does to me. I am actually preoccupied by this fear at times. So this is the question that I posed to the Lord during General Conference today: How can I replace this fear that I have with faith, hope, and trust?

When I feel the emotions of this fear start to creep into my thoughts I usually read Leif's patriarchal blessing. This calms my heart and reminds me that he has much to accomplish in this life and I have no logical reason to fear. But in reality, what I need is the faith that even if I did lose Leif early, I would survive and I would prove faithful. At times I honestly don't think that I would.

I received an answer to my question today. It came from the mouth of our living prophet, Thomas S. Monson. He told us the heart wrenching and shocking story of a wife and mother who triumphed over the deepest of tragedy and sorrows. She lost her husband to war. She was then forced to leave her native land and walk to Germany with all of her young children in the middle of winter. One by one, her children died. The last being her baby, who died in her arms. This mother was all consumed by her grief. So intense was the pain of her loss that she was tempted to take her own life. Just as she was to her lowest point, she heard the whisperings of the spirit telling her to get down on her knees and pray. From that prayer, she allowed the Lord to swallow up her burden and replace it with light and hope. President Monson went on to tell about how this precious sister later bore testimony of the power of the atonement and the Savior's love.

As President Monson told this story I understood what he was trying to tell us. I caught his meaning, because I have experienced it. In a very minute way in comparison to this sister, I have felt heart ache and loss and have had it swallowed up in the arms of my Savior. Though I can not fathom this woman's loss, and I pray daily that I will never have to. I do understand and I know that it is possible to survive such grief as long as we allow the Lord to take our burden. So this was my answer from the Lord to the question that I posed to him this morning.

With God, All Things Are Possible. If this wife and mother could survive such loss, so can I if required.

Ponderings About The Girls

I often dream about the girls. Most of the time I am telling someone their story, or sometimes I am frantic because I know that I have a baby laying somewhere in the house and I have forgotten to feed it for hours and hours. Last night they were both there, but like it was when Rhea was born her sister had already passed away so I was panicking because no one had fed Rhea for the whole day. She was still alive. Caleb woke me up shortly after that dream... to feed him. Sometimes, like another dream I had last night I dream about others who have twins or triplets and I envy them.

But then, I wake up. And the emotions that are displayed in my dreams are no longer apparent. Except over the 4th of July weekend. The Sunday before the holiday there was a story shared in Relief Society about a little girl who had beat the odds in the NICU and even though the doctors told her parents she would have severe brain damage. She survived and had no signs of her early struggles. Of course not long after that someone told me another story very similar to this one. And I began to wonder . . . What if we would have held out just a little bit longer for Rhea?

I finally talked to Leif about it. He is always a light for me in dark times. He reminded me of the facts about Rheas health. She was showing signs of seizures. Her kidneys had failed. She would not have made it. And that is what the Lord told us. He reminded me that we got our answer. We knew what we had to do then. We should never question an answer from the Lord. Though we might not ever really like the answer, we must accept it to find true peace!