Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Answer To My Greatest Fear

I have hesitated to mention what my absolute deepest fear is. I haven't always been plagued with this fear. It stemmed from the loss of my daughters and my grandmother. I don't talk about it much because I feel like if I mention it, it will be challenged and come to pass. My fear is that Leif will die young and I will be left without him. I can not put my feelings into words about what this thought does to me. I am actually preoccupied by this fear at times. So this is the question that I posed to the Lord during General Conference today: How can I replace this fear that I have with faith, hope, and trust?

When I feel the emotions of this fear start to creep into my thoughts I usually read Leif's patriarchal blessing. This calms my heart and reminds me that he has much to accomplish in this life and I have no logical reason to fear. But in reality, what I need is the faith that even if I did lose Leif early, I would survive and I would prove faithful. At times I honestly don't think that I would.

I received an answer to my question today. It came from the mouth of our living prophet, Thomas S. Monson. He told us the heart wrenching and shocking story of a wife and mother who triumphed over the deepest of tragedy and sorrows. She lost her husband to war. She was then forced to leave her native land and walk to Germany with all of her young children in the middle of winter. One by one, her children died. The last being her baby, who died in her arms. This mother was all consumed by her grief. So intense was the pain of her loss that she was tempted to take her own life. Just as she was to her lowest point, she heard the whisperings of the spirit telling her to get down on her knees and pray. From that prayer, she allowed the Lord to swallow up her burden and replace it with light and hope. President Monson went on to tell about how this precious sister later bore testimony of the power of the atonement and the Savior's love.

As President Monson told this story I understood what he was trying to tell us. I caught his meaning, because I have experienced it. In a very minute way in comparison to this sister, I have felt heart ache and loss and have had it swallowed up in the arms of my Savior. Though I can not fathom this woman's loss, and I pray daily that I will never have to. I do understand and I know that it is possible to survive such grief as long as we allow the Lord to take our burden. So this was my answer from the Lord to the question that I posed to him this morning.

With God, All Things Are Possible. If this wife and mother could survive such loss, so can I if required.


Sheri said...

I've really been enjoying reading your posts. They are very deep and thoughtful. I always feel like I have to make jokes, or it's not going to be entertaining, but you've proved me wrong!
I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your sweet little girls. I wish I knew some magic phrase or combination of words that would give you all the comfort I have in my heart. You're amazing and I look forward to learning more about what life will bring you now that we're living in the grown-up world! Thanks for introducing me to your blog!

Karin Shannon said...

I do understand that all encompassing fear of losing your husband. I have had that fear myself ever since Mike went to Iraq. I will have to take Pres. Monson's advice too. It is amazing how fear can control your life. I too have enjoyed your blog. You always seem to hav just the right thing to say for what is going on in my life. Grandma Stanger is so proud of you. I know it!!

Molly said...

I'm glad you found peace in the talk. When Hubby first joined the Army and was sent to Korea, this was a concern of mine too. How would I survive? I remembered that I am an intelligent person and I could do anything I wanted.

I made a plan. A plan of what I would do if Hubby were to die. I thought about where would I love to live? I picked a place I could move to. I thought about my skills. I have a degree and some good skills. I could find a job. I also have several home business ideas. I would have to put the kids in day care, but I could work and provide. I was not helpless. I am a strong woman!!

Having a plan helped me. I didn't need to worry. I would be sad, very sad if Hubby died, but I would not be helpless. Having that plan gave me confidence and relieved me of my worries.

You too are a strong woman. Be at peace over this one.

Sandra said...

I was changing Jacobs diaper during that story so I missed it but my sisters were bawling when I returned to continue watching. They told me about it and I knew I would be crying had I heard all the details. I too have thought about the hardship from loosing a child or my husband. I know if I think about it too much it will take time away from the now. What a blessing to know we can leave it all up to the Lord.

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