The Girls Would Be Two

It often feels like the evening hours bring out underlining thoughts and emotions. Throughout the last week or so I have pondered thoughts and memories of my girls. Jakob has mentioned them on occasion lately too. He speaks about them more then Leif and I do. He says that he misses them and asks when they will come back...

When you lose a child (or two), and then give birth to another one there is often the question in your mind whether this new child will feel like a replacement of the children you lost. We have learned that no child can be replaced. You truly love every child that you have as individuals. I have been amazed at how I have fallen in love more and more with Caleb (just as I fell in love with my other children) and yet, I still ponder about my girls and I miss them...

They would be two years old this October. A day before Halloween to be exact (how bizarre, isn't it?) On good days, I think that Leif and I could have handled twins. On the not so good days, I think we would have survived and my life would have been incredibly different. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get the thought of having another set of twins out of my mind. I wouldn't call it a desire... it's just this strange pondering I have.... I think it goes along with the desire I had to have a girl (when I was pregnant with Caleb) and I found out I was having a boy. I cried and realized that what I really wanted was just my girls.

So, yes, we still miss them. It is so strange! We didn't even "know them." Emotions and Spirits are so strong! The connection evolves as our family relationships evolve.

BUT! I have made another conclusion this week. There are many layers of healing after you lose a loved one. I believe that I have overcome another layer and that is why I am able to do all that I am doing. I have not gotten outside of my "box" in the last Two Years as much as I have in the last two Weeks. I am driving again, I am visiting teaching again, I am going to school again, I am willing to make phone calls again... It is refreshing!

We will be able to go to the cemetery for the anniversary of the girls' birth this year. It is always a bitter sweet experience. I will go visit my grandma's grave too. I haven't been since her funeral. I still miss her too... It will be nice to pay a visit... I think.

September 21, 2006: In the hospital...in Seattle

September 21, 2006
good morning everyone! i appologize now for the lack on caps in this letter. i'm wrting one handed on my back. this can't be too long cuz the comps giving me a headache. but the news is dramatic but true.
leif and i are at a hospital in seattle washington. its called the evergreen hospital in kirkland for those who care. we spent tha last two weeks in utah and are excited to congratulate leif on becoming a licensed real estate agent! while in utah my stomache grew an enormous amount. and we made a trip to the ER cuz i was contracting. but i suffered thru that until tuesday when we arrived in SG and met with our perinatologist. he immidiately identified the problem through the ultrasound. our baby girls are struggling with a level two case of twin to twin syndrome. that is where since the girls share a placenta unfortunatly they have also ended up shareing blood vessels within that placenta. because of this, one baby receives the majority of the blood and nutrients and produces all of the amniotic fluid in her sac and the other baby doesnt get hardly anything and produces no fluid as a result. Soo, this was and is an emergancy. as of yesterday the babies were still hangin in there. the newest procedure is to destroy the blood vessels that the babies are sharing through a lazor surgery. but only five clinics in th US do the procedure. So we found out at 3:00 tuesday and we were on a flight to seattle by 9:00pm. The flight was a nightmare because my abdomen was so full of fluid. we landed and got to the hotel by midnight. i went potty and found that i had lost my mucus plug. not good at all!! called the dr. he said to rest and come in the morning. by 6:30 in the morning i was leaking fluid. after lots of exams and looking at the babies. we all determined that the surgery was not an option at the moment. the baby had produced up to 16 cm of fluid which is about double it needs and my membranes were going to burst in the next six hours if they hadn't already. we couldn't tell because it could have just been a tiny hole leeking fluid. anyway, they immidiately began an amniotic fluid reduction through a tiny needle. they took out three liters and could have taken more.but naturally due to the utero irritation i was contracting steadily. it took several hours of fabulous doctoring and nursing and meds, but we have now calmed everything down and as far as we can tell i'm not leeking anything as of this morning. this is a very good thing. it means that the uterous may have healed from ant tiny ruptures and we'll see what we can do to help the babies later today. i'm on absolute bed rest. no sitting up and of course no standing. we have been blessed. this is a very hard thing. but the people here are amazing!!!!!! our nurse yesterday went home and called her friend whos a member of the church and her friend called us immidiately to tell us that she had already put our names on the temple prayer roll and wanted to come and help us as soon as we let her. we truly stand all amazed! we have a long journey ahead. but we are blessed. jakob is with grandma and grandpa. we miss him terribly but thank mark and faylynn for their love. i have to go. if you want get in touch email us or email and ask for our number and we'll tell you where we are. love you all!

Lena and Leif