Missing

Some nights I stay up for hours and hours browsing and rebrowsing the same websites over and over again, as if Im searching for something before I can fall asleep. But I just can't seem to figure out what I'm searching for. So finally I just force myself to shut everything down, take my sleeping meds, and welcome the oblivion that it brings me. Tonight I realized what I'm searching for... or rather, Who...

Our Routine and Update

I have so many wonderful things to write about. Especially Jakob's baptism. I have some great photos of our August fun too. But my time at the computer has to be broken up into short times because my eyes can't tolerate the strain for very long before a tremendous headache kicks in. In fact, I might ask Leif to write about Jakob's birthday weekend and his baptism and I'll then add my two-cents... Good idea!:)

Anyway, we're back into a good school week routine. I am blessed right now to have the two oldest boys in school full-day. This means that I wake up in the morning whenever my sweet Caleb decides it's time to wake up. He's always the first person awake in the house. He usually wakes up sometime within the 6:00 hour. The last couple of days he's snuck into bed with me in the middle of the night and I barely even know he's there until morning. Sweet times!

I work to get myself and the boys awake and out the door to the car by 7:30. Some days we're cheerful, other days I wonder how we're going to make it through. I drop Jakob off first and am so grateful for the breakfast program at school! I then take Caleb (and JJ) to Headstart. So far Caleb has only needed me to stay through breakfast once. Otherwise we stick around and play and visit for a bit and the JJ and I head home or to run errands.

By 10:00 in the morning, JJ and I are ready for our nap. I am blessed to have JJ who enjoys his sleep as much as I need mine. So he sleeps for hours and I sleep and rest as long as he does. Some days we don't get back up and going until 2:00. An incredible blessing!

We get out the door to pick up the boys at 2:50. Our best routine is to pick up Jakob and take hom in to the library that is next door to the Head Start. He works on his homework while I go pick up Caleb. We play at the playground for a bit and then go to the library. The little boys play and read until we're ready to go and then we head home.

Since homework's done the boys are free to play and I'm able to rest until it's dinner time. Dinner's at 5:00 and we Skype Papa at 6:00. Papa reads to Jakob (Fable Haven) and plays online Connect 4 with Caleb until 6:45. Scriptures and prayer with Papa and then in bed by 7:00. I didn't mention that from 6:00 on is one of our hardest hours of the day. By then my head usually feels like it will explode from the pain that I can't get rid of. So it's really hard to handle the normal rough housing the boys are constantly doing unless they're watching a movie.

So, generally speaking, that is our story. Jakob and Caleb are enjoying school. They've both had their good and bad days. But I'm thrilled that they enjoys school and their teachers and JJ and I enjoy our special time together:)

When it comes to my health update: We are working on setting up appointments with several specialist at the Barrow Neurological Institute in Phoenix. From there we hope to have a direction and some hope for relief. Before we can do anyting we need to have a clear idea of what we're dealing with. Are the tumors an indication of something bigger? Or are they the main problem? Once we know that we will decide on medications or surgeries as necessary. So, that's the upcoming journey. Until then, I sleep a lot and usually have some type of pain that adds to the fatigue. But thank heavens I am able to rest!

Leif is doing very well in school!! We miss not being together, especially me. But he is busy and that helps him a lot. He will start working in the hospitals soon and that will open up a whole new world for him. I'm really proud of him!!  I often wish that we lived in Flagstaff together for my sake. But the kids are in a good place here. I know it is right for now. We will just take things as they come. Once I start seeing the doctors we will see what the plan is. But for now, I am so very grateful for all of the blessings that we have been given!

Answers and a Journey

So many things are happening every day! It is hard to keep up with everything!! I went in for a day of Exams two weeks ago. We received the results to my MRI two days ago. They discovered two small tumors on my pituitary gland. They are called Miroadenoma's . They are non-cancerous. Sometimes they are active and cause problems. Sometimes they are not active. Though we haven't determined with blood work yet, we are pretty sure that mine are active. "Active" meaning they mess with the hormones in the body and cause a huge array of ill symptoms. This week, the most difficult has been incredible fatigue and compromised immune system (one cold after another, etc.)

So, we have answers and that is wonderful. But the journey of healing is not going to end over night. That's my update with that. But the fun is just ahead!! Final Summer Fun, First Days of School, Jakob's Turning 8, and Jakob Will be Baptized!! SO Awesome!! Life is rolling on!

Foto Friday: July 2012

We said farewell to all of our kittens on the 4th of July. They were truly a delight. But it was time to share them with others.
  

The fourth of July started with a Town Siren waking up the townsfolk for the early morning Fireman's breakfast. Leif had surprised me the might before and drove home arriving after the kids were in bed. So we had a heavenly evening together and was not about to wake the kiddos early to go to breakfast. So we let them slowly wake up and went to the parade together. In the meantime we were called to go with the Ambulance to help with a wild fire out on Cedar Mountain. Unfortunately we didn't get to go. But it got us itching to get out of town. So we packed up and went to Alton with family for several days. It was WONDERFUL! No fireworks... But a lot of R&R :)

Some Favorites:

















Ten days later,  I packed the kids up and took them to Flagstaff to visit Leif. One of the roommates in the house moved out and the room was open for two weeks. We rented it and stayed for ten days. It was more then I had hoped for!! It was beautiful! And so fun! The kids spent the first week in a Gymnastics Summer Camp. The second week we visited a lot of parks and met some friends. I also had a dear friend and her family come to visit from Chandler. It was SOO fun to visit after 7 years. Such a great time!! Leif and I celebrated our 9th Wedding Anniversary and we celebrated JJ's 2nd Birthday. It was So Nice to be together as a family!!

A few Favorites:








































WRITTEN THE DAY AFTER GETTING HOME:

Weeerrre Baaack!  We are home from Flagstaff after a wonderful two week getaway.  I didn't blog while I was there. So now I have to try and think back on the highlights. But don't worry, I don't feel like being long winded or writing a travel log. Let's do bullet points instead and see what we come up with.

We put Jakob and Caleb in a Summer Camp at the Flagstaff Gymnastics Center for the first week of our trip. They played all day on gym equipment and went on field trips to the AquaPlex for swimming and the Bearizona Animal Sanctuary. They had so much fun that they never wanted to come with me when I picked them up.
We visited several parks and playgrounds while we were there. It was so green and beautiful! The temp was under 90 the whole time. It also rained at some point every day. So we enjoyed blue skies and sunshine as well as some really neat thunder storms.
Leif and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. The kids and I decorated Leif's walls with hearts and love notes and one of Leif's classmates watched all of the boys for us so we could go out together for a few hours. She said the boys were angels. I wondered if she was talking about someone else' kids. She swore she was talking about ours.  Leif and I spent our time together at a book store called Bookmens and out to eat alone at Galaxy Diner. Those are two things that we Never get to do without the chaos of the kids company. It was nice to be together enjoying our hobbies together.
We also celebrated JJ's 2nd Birthday! The party was quick, but quick and to the point is good for 2 year olds.
I was so thrilled to be able to spend some time after 7 years with good friends that we haven't seen in way too long!! We were good friends from Hawaii and we've stayed in touch. It was so fun to get together and feel like our last visit was just the other day. We won't let 7 years go by again before we get together!

My Forever Love: 9 Years and Eternity...

He Truly is my Forever Love! I don't know how to put the music to the slideshow (yet.) So Click on the song (Francesca Battistelli,  Forever Love) and then watch the photos.

What an incredible journey we have had so far! Imagine the possibilities of Eternity...

Foto Friday: June 2012

Every Time I put a Foto Friday together I am reminded that there is so very much joy and smiles amidst the twists and turns in our every day life. June was filled with Sunshine and Kittens. Really, who could ask for more!?

A handful of favorites:

National Nursing Scholarship! - So Blessed!

WOW! I am so proud of my Hubby and his hard work and dedication! It has payed off with an amazing reward of the National Nursing Scholarship!!! This is a tremendous blessing for our family! This is a scholarship awarded to only a select few out of thousands. It is a full ride scholarship with a monthly stipend. The sun really does shine after the storms. So Grateful! Well Done My Love!

Came Home: Fell Flat On My Face!

Wow! I did not expect to still have our Flagstaff trip to write about at this point. But like the title of this post says, I got home and with all seriousness, I fell. And fell Hard!! I woke up Sunday morning in Flag and I felt a scratch in my throat. I knew that was the day I had to pack up and leave. It's a good thing because I had no idea what was hitting me.  And what is now hitting my boys. Anyway, it's some type of bronchitis/cold junk and it's kickin' my butt! Tonight my fever must have broke because it's the first time in three days I haven't felt hateful about my life at the moment. I wish I wasn't so serious about the hateful part. I also wish I could pin all of my problems on the cold that I have. Unfortunately, there's more to it then that.... But what's new?

I wish I were stronger. So strong that I didn't care if my husband is gone. Strong enough to just enjoy the phone calls and the visits we do get together. Strong enough to enjoy the moment and be grateful for the abundance that I have been given. Strong enough to feel the faith that I know is within me. Strong enough to send the adversary and his deceitful whispers down to the depths of darkness that they belong in, rather then the caverns of my ever going thoughts. Strong. Stronger. Strength.

Sometimes, there is a clear choice before us. For some of us, we can mark the moments when we have made the choice. The choice to keep falling, or to get up. For some of us, this choice isn't a one time deal. Some of us have to make it several times within our life time. I think this is one of those times for me.  I Have to get up!

I have to get up because I have three mouths to feed. I have to get up because I have one man who I've promised to love unselfishly. I have to get up because I have three little people who need clean hands and clean faces. I have to get up because I have three future men who need a good example. I have to get up because the dishes will not clean themselves. I have to get up because the cat deserves to eat every day. I have to get up because there are people who believe I can. I have to get up because I promised Him I would. Some how, I just know I made that promise. I Have to Get Up!

I am getting up!

Foto Friday: May Summer Fun!

Mission Accomplished - Huge Accomplishment!

Thank you all of you sweet friends and family who have checked in with me today to make sure we arrived in Flagstaff safe and sound. WE DID!!:)

We left a lot later then I had planned. But the heat and no A/C in the van didn't actually become a very big problem. We were truly blessed in so many ways. Just the fact that I was able to overcome a serious phobia of driving long and unfamiliar roads by myself, with my children, alone, was a huge step forward for me. I look forward to overcoming more struggles and fears throughout the next few days and weeks as I drive my kids around Flagstaff alone. Well, let's be honest, I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it, but I know it will be good for me in the long run and it will get easier as the days go by.

The trip was a good one. My boys were troopers and handled things well. They watched a DVD called "How Things are Made." And I listened to an Amish Romance novel. As I was driving up the Kiabab mountain it was so beautiful and the smell coming through the windows and vents was so yummy. Cedar, rain, and juniper, MMM! I felt guilty that my boys were glued to a DVD screen and missing out on the beauty around them. But then I decided not to feel guilty. Everything has a time and a season. The beauty that my boys were enjoying was just the journey and moment together. As we grow older, our view of the beauty around us expands.

We hit a heavy rainfall as I wound up the mountain. Really Heavy! Luckily it didn't last very long and I was able to stay below panic mode and pray my way through the storm. So grateful all went well! We stopped at House Rock Valley out in the middle of no where on the drive. It was fun to take my boys out there and let them climb around and explore. We saw carvings of travelers from the 1800's who had passed along the way. I didn't realize that some of the rocks and structures were actually homes in the early 1900's. Before I stopped, I din't even know the place had a name. It just looked cool from the side of the road. WOW! That's all I can say to the thought of living out there day after day. Ugg!

We had a lot of fun climbing the hills to get a better view of the area. I was a little nervous for a minute because I made the mistake of letting us all climb a steeper hill without thinking about the fact that we would need to get DOWN. But I just gritted my teeth and smiled for the boys and grabbed JJ's hand, hoping he wouldn't drag us both down the hill. I took my flip flop shoes off and dug my feet into the hot rocks and sand and prayed my way down the hill. We all made it down the hill thanks to Jakob's strong help towards the end.

We were going to stop and "walk on the moon" (Leif and I call the gray crater like rocks and landscape outside of Flagstaff  "The Moon." but we didn't stop because it was raining. The cool temps and rain throughout the drive made a huge difference in our trip. All in all, it turned out well and I am really glad we came. We're working out the little kinks here and there in the routine and ways of how things are going to be while we're together for the next two weeks. But the good-ness of being all together far out way the kinks, in the end.

My dad and I (mostly my dad;) came up with a cute metaphor this morning as we talked that fits our life well right now,"it isn't about how rough the road is, it's about the roses we pick along the way." I love it more every time I think about it Dad, thanks!

Thanks again everyone who's check in with me. I'm sorry it's hit and miss when you call me these days. My phone is pretty tempermental these days after it's plunge in the toilet. Keep trying to reach me. And know that all is well in the meantime.

Sunshine through the Storm Clouds

Sitting here at my kitchen table eating dark chocolate M&Ms- Listening to Lady Antebellum on Pandora - Lights are out - Kids are finally asleep - Air conditioning humming in the background finally says its under 80 degrees in the house - It's my time - Time to try to breathe - Time to try to wrap my head around life and its realities - I put dinner on the table tonight, strapped the Littles in their highchairs - and walked out the door.

Walking - Away - Not too far - Just Away - Away from the flying Hot Pocket - Away from the screams - Away from the spilled breakfast cereal still on the floor - Away from the broken A/C in the new mini van - Away from the broken Wii (A.K.A Netflix) remotes - Away from the emptiness of my evenings - Away

And then I looked up. I looked up and I saw the sun shine through the storm clouds. And just for a moment, I knew - I knew that through all of the storms - Through all of the loneliness - Through all of the disappointments - Beauty still exists - We just have to look up! And some how - Some day - Some way - All will be well. - All will be well!

Updates:

• Leif came home for the 4th of July and we had a wonderful time together in beautiful Alton, Utah with good family and friends, and most importantly, we were together.
• My doctor called me to tell me that there isn't an endocrinologist anywhere within a five hours drive. But he called one and was told to have me get an MRI and Mammogram. I have to go to Flagstaff for those tests, 3 hours south. A good excuse to go see Leif. 
• One of Leif's roommates moved out and left an empty room for the last two weeks of July. We took the opportunity as a blessing and I will take the boys and we will be with Leif for two weeks. So Grateful!
• Unfortunately, the Air Conditioner in our new van went out this week. I will be driving without A/C for a while. But, I am grateful for the four wheels and engine that gets me around. So Grateful!
• I can't wait to get away. I need to get away and back to the other half of my heart. 
• Can't Wait!

Another Long Pause: Answers or Not. Good Things to Come.

Hello everyone, I'm still here. I just find that when life gets to a certain point of stressful, I pull away. So if you notice that it's been a while since I've posted. Or you write me and I take a few days to get back to you, most likely the best thing to do is just send a prayer up for me and wait for me to come around. Or, you can drop by or send me a note. That would work too.

Anyway, I need to make this update quick. I'm going to take on a fear today. I am going to drive a long distance on my own. I feel good about it. But I need to get going. I'm going shopping to the nearest Wal-Mart. About an hour away.

Well, I got the test results for my health. As usual everything was apparently considered in the normal range. I'm still not completely well. But I have learned to just put things aside sometimes and let God take it on. I'm not very good at letting go sometimes. But I try. Gratefully, I have managed to continue to find strength enough to keep things afloat. If I can find it in me to be cheerful during the day, then my boys are able to follow my lead. Otherwise, life is an utter nightmare!

On my bad days I have had a most serious desire and consideration to strap my boys in the van and drive to North Carolina. Believe it or not my boys enjoy trips like this as long as they have a movie, food, water, and their blankets. I think they feel safe in the world while on road trips together (in our new van). They still need space around them But I think it would be amazing to take the trip. But, it's not to be. This has been hard for me. I often feel so alone and anxiety ridden at home. But we might have some light to look towards. One of the rooms in the house Leif lives in is going to be empty for two weeks in July. We are HOPING that the kids and I might be able to stay in it for that time. I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. We're waiting to hear back if it is available. I am praying that it is!!

So that's a short and sweet version of life and the things to come! I hope you're all having a great Summer! We've had many good memories and we look forward to a long holiday weekend with Papa! We love Independence Day!! This year I think we will try to make our first Family Flag as well as celebrating the greatness and beauty of our country. We will also take some time to thank and honor the men and women who serve and sacrifice to keep our country safe and free to choose. I look forward to the weekend!