The End of a Chapter - The Beginning of a New

And thus ends another chapter in the L&L Baron family story. We are officially moved out of the ranch House and in to an apartment in Willard/Springfield. Today as we drove away from the Ranch I was hit with the reality of this change. I thought about how JJ had run strait for the dirt pile when we stopped at the ranch this evening and what it felt like to call him away to get in the car, knowing that it will be a while until he can sink his little hands into the dirt again. I pondered the serenity and beauty that is endless around the Ranch. For some reason we just can't feel that at the apartment complex. ;) We will miss living on the Ranch! Nothing will compare to the precious gift this last year has been. There have been Many challenges. But there have been oh so many wonderful lessons and once in a lifetime experiences.

We have spent the last week with Grandma and Grandpa Baron and Erik, Stacey, and Victoria Baron. They made the long journey to spend a week with us here in MO. It was not really part of the original plan to have their visit overlap our moving days. In many ways I feel bad that it happened that way. It took time away from the time that we could have been playing. But I am also overwhelmed with gratitude for their love and support. They helped us in so many ways. Truthfully, we Never would have reached our goal to be moved out before the kids start school if it weren't for their help and the help that my parents, church members, and friends have given as well.

While the family was in town we spent a lot of the time just like ol' times, tinkering around fixing odds and ends (Big and Small), visiting, eating, and shopping. We also made time to spend a few days playing hard. We managed to work out the schedule so we could get my family together with Leif's family and have two BBQ's at the Ranch, one which included night games and dutch oven. Another afternoon we went to Joplin Falls and swam in the river. We also went to Silver Dollar City and had a wonderful time and came home Exhausted!! Caleb experienced his first roller coaster ride. He went on Thunderation. He LOVED It!!! We were so thrilled to see his excitement and pride afterward. One of the nights everyone except the little boys and I went on a haunted castle tour. They had a good time until the end when Jakob suddenly Passed Out flat! He had gotten overheated and excited and passed out and then vomited to add more excitement to the experience. Everyone came home pretty shook up. :(  And today before Leif took everyone to the airport we all went to Bass Pro Shops. We had a fun time walking through the shops and museums. It was a great way to end our time together. We're already trying to plan the next time we'll be together...

The boys start school next week. They are excited. I am looking forward to the way school helps them in general. But I feel nervous and hopeful about the upcoming weeks as we get to know teachers and the school and find out how the overall dynamic will be for that part of our life. We will also go to our new ward for church tomorrow. We have heard many good things about church and the school. So I am praying that all will go smooth enough to find the peace that is to be found.

I have set a goal to write again. It has been a year since I've written regularly. It is time to write again... so, here's to the amazing chapter that is ending and to the new chapter that is just beginning.

A Small Description of My Shoes, and How it Feels to Walk in Them

Every once in a while I need to take a minute to remind myself what causes my physical ailments to, and to find he words to explain how it feels to walk with them.

I have three separate conditions that seem to intertwine themselves at times and make the overall outcome beyond description.

First, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS is caused by the Epstein Barr Virus that lays dormant in my system and flares at times and rages at others. Epstein Barr Virus is the Virus that causes Mono. So in essence, you could think of this "syndrome" as an endless case of Mono without the contagious factor added to it.

Second, I have a Mystery Condition that at times is classified as Fibromyalgia. But more often is classified as an unknown Auto Immune Disease. It most often shows it's symptoms within my Joints, my Gut, or in my Brain.

Third, I have a lovely case of Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. This is somewhat the result of genetics and most often inflamed by the stress and frustration of the first two conditions previously discussed.

Sometimes I am able to wrap all of these conditions up nicely and carry them in an invisible "backpack". that isn't noticed by those around me and is easily managed by myself and my family. Other times these conditions creep out and become a monster of their own that takes over my every day life and functioning. When this happens life can feel so overwhelming I can hardly breathe.

That is how I feel at this very moment.

But feeling like this is absolutely not an option for very long. Minutes... Maybe hours... And then I must pull myself together. Call upon the Powers of Heaven and force myself to take the steps that must be taken to perform the tasks and chores that must be done to keep the boat afloat.

Good Things Have Come! - Help for ADD

We have truly witnessed life changing "Good Things" this past week. If you read my previous blog post titled "Just Keep Walking - There are Good Things to Come" then you will know what I mean when I say, "Good Things."

The discovery that was made this past week was a long walk in coming. We finally found a doctor who would LISTEN to us as parents and also to our boys' teachers AND observe the boys, Before slapping a diagnosis on the boys that would label them wrong forever. The final diagnosis is Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder more on the Aspergers Syndrome side of The Spectrum.

This diagnosis was not really a surprise to us at this point. We have been trying to cope and endure for years. However, we had become increasingly vigilant in finding medical help for Caleb because it was starting to take away from his "best self."

 So without further explanation I will sing praise for the latest "Good Thing" that has come in to our lives!!!  The boys started medication for their ADD this last week. After one day of obvious side effects, we cut their doses in half and our lives changed forever....

I have found myself just watching and listening to Caleb in awe this week. He has never been able to speak his thoughts and feelings so fluidly. Until this week I had NEVER EVER been able to hear about his day at school from his own mouth. Never been able to hear about what he did and didn't like from the lunch menu. We have never had so many still and calm snuggle moments with Caleb. Leif put it perfectly when he said, "He's Back."  It still brings us to tears sometimes.

Jakob's changes are less dramatic but still life changing. He is able to handle the stress and noise from his brothers better. He says that he it helps him at school. He just seems more at peace. Able to focus on one thing at a time and enjoy life more. It's truly amazing!

Just Keep Walking - There are Good Things to Come!

My heart is full tonight. I wonder what will spill out onto this as I write...

I have been working on a photo project this week. I'm trying to find just the right photos to make in to canvas prints to hang on our living room walls. We already have one large canvas print of two of our children... An artist at a photo shop gave us a canvas painting of our girls just after their funeral. It used to hang on our living room wall in Fredonia. We haven't hung it up here... We pulled out the smaller version of the painting and display it with their cabinet... So often I feel like they are a dream. Like something that happened so long ago that know one remembers except for my body...

This week I have been in bed a huge portion of every day. So incredibly tired. SO So Tired. Not the yawn, I need a nap tired. The bat crazy - pull my hair out - fatigue that could easily drive me insane kind of tired. I have been relived that there hasn't been pain that came with this fatigue... Until noon today. PAIN. Radiating pain. From the inside out to my skin.

Last night I started on Jakob's baby pictures. Year after year and then I moved on to Caleb's and to JJ's. The difference was so clear. The different person that I was when Jakob was born.  And the "new" me when Caleb was born. And all of the loss and heartache within that span of years.  Leif looks different too. There is a little less adventure and innocence in our smiles. I little more flicker of reality in our eyes.

I read an article today about a woman who lost her husband suddenly and was left a widow with 4 young children. She talked about how at the loss of her husband she felt sure that she had experienced "the Big trial." The one that would define her life and teach her all that she needed to learn in life. She then went on to say that it didn't take long to realize that the hardships of life don't stop coming just because we've experienced a tragedy.  Life does go on and trials do continue.  I felt a kinship with this woman and her realization.  I have pondered this deeply albeit subconsciously this week.

Our boys were officially diagnosed this week with Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I've caught myself thinking about our girls and the fact that if they would have survived they would have struggled with serious health issues and possible brain damage. Today I found myself pondering the fact that God, our Father, must really know our limits. I don't really like thinking that I have a limit line. But I think we must, and He knows them. And for this, I must be grateful.

I must be grateful that my girls were spared the hardships of this earth life that can be so hard! I must be grateful for all that is so good in my life through the every day hard core grind of life, I must shout praises for all that is good. Otherwise, they will become swallowed up in the fatigue, pain, tears, ADD, ASD, and LIFE.

There used to be a time when I wrote my praises down on a daily basis. I feel sad that I don't do that anymore. I heard a song on the radio the other day and the words spoke to me and reminded me of my sincerest prayer:

Let them see You in me let them hear You when I speak
Let them feel You when I sing
Let them see You, let them see You in me

Who am I with out Your grace, another smile another face
Another breath a grain of sand passing quickly through Your hand
I give my life an offering take it all take everything - JJ Weeks Band

A strong and brave woman asked me how to overcome the enveloping struggle of chronic illness, depression, or heartache.  I took days to write her back my answer because it felt so flat and not profound enough. But it is what it is, and sometimes it is all we can do. My answer was "You just keep walking!" Step by step, hour by hour, day by day, week, month, year by year. You just keep walking! And as you walk you keep your eye out and heart open for the Good Things to Come. Because I promise you, they will!!"

If there is ONE thing that I have learned from all of the storms of my short life, it is that we are truly in the midst of angels. Whether they are from Heaven or on earth, we are never alone. Our Father in Heaven is real and He does not leave us to walk alone. Truly, there are good things to come!

JJ's First Day of Preschool

My baby started Preschool this week. He LOVES it! 

Ms. Sam and JJ

CHOICES and JOURNEY'S

I can't believe it's FEBRUARY! At this rate, Summer vacation is right around the corner!! WOW!

Well, we're kinda sick around here right now. :( JJ has a stomach bug and I'm in the middle of a Fibromyalgia flare. I've slept hours and hours and I still feel drained and the hit by a truck pain. Uggg! But I'm grateful to be able to feel a difference now days between my normal strength and well being and the flare ups. Gotta find the good... It's the only way to survive the waves of life!

HOME and WORK
There's a lot happening behind the scenes these days. We got notice that the Sleep Room that Leif has been using in the hospital will be turned in to a Breastfeeding Room for the nurses who need it. This is a Big Deal time wise and financially for us. Leif has slept at the hospital at least half of the days he works each week. So to have to commute Every Day will be Huge! So we have to move forward with deciding our future plans.

FIRST: We will need to find a place for Leif to stay as we make decisions. A room somewhere...

CHOICES:
A) Stay in Carthage and switch to Freeman Hospital.
B) Find a home closer to Springfield and move.
C) Rent a Home closer to Springfield while we decide what to do.

KIDS
It's not a secret that we've been searching for help and answers about our boys' struggles. It's still been a really long journey to get the right help and answers. We've narrowed a couple of things down this week. First, Caleb's MRI showed no signs of Seizures. So that it good! But it didn't really give us any answers about what he IS struggling with. So we're still pluggin' along to narrow things down with a good answer. We had one doc tell us that he though Caleb had ODD (Oppositional  Defiance Disorder.)  After discussing this with each other and with the teachers that work with him on a daily basis we all concluded that was a very wrong diagnosis. :( So that was an expensive disappointment. However, We've made some progress with JJ. He has been accepted into the Carthage Early Childhood Special Education Preschool.  After several meetings and evaluations they determined that JJ does in fact struggle with Sensory Processing Disorder and Developmental Delay in certain areas of development. So he will be able to start that as soon as we are ready for him to start. He will LOVE this!! I will miss him!:( But I can use all of the help I can get with any of my boys. It is a blessing!!  Next week we'll be meeting with a new Pediatrician and I'll be giving her a write up about Caleb's struggles as well as a DVD that shows some home videos of different good, bad, and ugly, scenarios.  I will do the same thing with the other boys for their appointments. It's just too hard to fit everything in to one appointment. So I've decided to write it down.... We'll see how it goes.

So that's how things look on the home front heading in to February!

Rollin' Along...

Life has continued to roll along here on the Ranch. We still have Good, Bad, and some Ugly days. But we're settling in to our "Normal."  Leif still works 1+ hours away in Springfield as a Nurse on the hospital Med Surge floor. He works nights.  If he has several days of work scheduled in a row, he sleeps at the hospital for a couple days and then comes home to check in. If it's a long work week then he might follow this routine a couple few times before he has a row of days off here at home.  It's not an easy schedule and far from what I had expected our life to be like. But we've learned to roll with it and make it work for all of us.

The boys are back to school after a very extended Christmas break because of the CRAZY winter weather that blew in just after Christmas.  We had FREEZING COLD temps, Ice, Wind, and even Broken Pipes. It was highly unusual for this part of Missouri. Jakob is Thrilled to be back to school and Caleb is struggling to get back in to the routine.

Our little Homestead is growing steadily. We Love our animals and all that they bring to our life. Work, Laughter, and Distraction. We have a Homestead blog to help keep things updated and spotlighted.

I'm happy. I miss our family and friends in Arizona! But I am enjoying the time here with my family and meeting new friends here. Right now I'm enjoying focusing on the Homestead and trying to plan ahead as much as one can when there is no plan ahead:)

Always Remember: The Grass Is Green

Always Remember: Always remember that the grass is green on Your Side of the fence too!

Welcome to Our Home Dear Ones!

Sisko wrestling her sister Sophie


Patch and Princess

We Found Them! - Two Goats and a Big Puppy!

Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart and was weary to the bone. It felt like I had so many prayers out to Heaven that I myself couldn't even keep them straight. I went to bed with the hope of a ray of light to catch on to in the morning to keep me going.

Well, I think Father may have blessed me with a few rays of light. And I need to share them before the weight of life clouds them out.

It's not new news that we have been pondering what our hopes and goals are for our own little homestead. And if you read my last post you read about my desire to raise goats. Well, We've found our first Doelings.  I feel a tiny bit like a mother who's been waiting and trying to adopt for months and I've just got the call asking if I can be ready for them in TWO DAYS!!... The answer: YES!
 

Sorry the puppies picture won't copy here. Just think of a yellow lab pup but fluffier hair. :)

There is a common understanding among goat owners that when you put your heart in to looking for your own herd of goats you will look at hundreds of goats and when you find "YOUR" goat, you just Know. It is so true for me! It sounds strange. But it's true!

Goats can be expensive. If you want to sell your baby goats for anything other then brush clearing or meat you need to be sure that the blood line is healthy and preferably Purebred; and  Registered is even better. The breeds of goats that we've decided on range from $400 for a Registered goat to $175 for a Purebred non-papered.

You also have to decide whether you want a baby goat or an adult goat. And then decide if you want a bottle fed goat or a mother fed goat. And of course, if you want a Male or Female. We were considering either babies or adults. But they had to have been bottle babies. We learned with our borrowed goats, Billy and Skit, that we much preferred the bottle babies! They respond to humans far easier then mother fed goats. We also knew that we want Females. The Males really do smell terrible!! We will find a handsome stud for our girls when the time comes for them to be mommies. :)

So, with all of those things to consider, you can imagine why it is hard to pass up "your" goat when you find them. I swore I wouldn't get goats for the winter!  I truly meant that when I said it. But something kept us looking. And then a predator started snatching up our hens one after another when we weren't around (just this past week.) So we started seriously considering getting our Livestock Guardian Dog (LGD). But if you get a LGD puppy who you want to protect your goats some day you have to have goats when you get the puppy. Any animal (or human) that the puppy is around before they turn 12 weeks old they will consider their flock or their herd. The ones they will protect and care for. LGD's are an amazing breed of dogs.  They are also a small investment. They range from $250 to $100. But almost any other dog breed will be a nightmare on a farm for one reason or another.

SOOO, When I woke up this morning and I got on craigslist for the thousandth time and found two beautiful Purebred Nubian Doelings: Currently bottle feeding, de-horned, first shots, they come with a gallon of their moms milk AND their next vial of vaccine shot,  for only $125, I just Knew!! ...  And THEN, we found an adorable LGD puppy ready to go this weekend for only $100. Again, we just Knew!

I felt so good about everything as we squared everyone's pick up dates and times. It felt so right... And then the day moved on and life happened and doubt and worry crept in. It's so hard sometimes to make these big decisions. There is never enough money, we all understand that these days. If you don't, be grateful tonight. But for us, every penny counts! So I had to sit down tonight and ask myself what the financial benefit is of this investment. To remind myself of the plan.

The plan is to raise the doelings and the puppy (who is also female) until they are breeding age. Which is around 9 months old for the goats and around two years for the dog. Once they are breeding age we will sell their babies as well as gradually establish our ideal goat herd and breed the different types of goats we're looking for. Goats usually have 2-4 babies at a time. LGD dogs can have 10-14 pups in a litter. So they will eventually pay for themselves and more. In the meantime, I am planning on working with the goats to see if they are Cart Friendly goats. If not, we'll retain one or two of the baby boy goats, neuter them, and then train them to pull carts and wagons. After the female goats give birth we can also milk them and sell their milk. But I don't see me doing that. But you never know.

This has turned out to be a VERY long post! I obviously really needed to think this through. :)  But forgive me because I still need to think a few things through: :)

So the investment eventually pays off. And the feed for the goats isn't really an issue. Nor for one dog. I think the major concern (besides the initial investment ending up around Christmas shopping season) is setting up and choosing boundaries for the animals. This is where the fact that we're getting babies will come in handy for the winter season. Two baby goats and the puppy won't need as much space as they'll require in the Spring and Summer when they're bigger. My hope is to gather enough fencing to set up a perimeter around our back yard and the small barn/coop there. This will keep them close enough that the kids and I can feed them easily and care for their living space and the dogs messes. The key will be to find/buy the fencing,  and the major task will be finding the time and help to run the fencing.

It's no secret that life is a struggle right now. It seems like we are being knocked around in every direction we look. It's really hard. But if we take a minute to think back on the last 6 months, my best times have been when I had the goats and other little critters to care for with my own little ones at my side. It will NOT be easy in the winter. We haven't even hit the coldest times. But Leif and I have a feeling that the animals might be a blessing during the winter months. Something for the kids and I to care for together. And I admit, they are my project. They help me the most. But when all else fails, go for what has helped in the past, right? ... Right!  So, there we have it. It is what it is. I will allow myself to be excited and try hard not to let the hard things about it get me down. I will be surprised if there is not more good then bad in the results. I hope that's the case anyway.  And deep down, I hope my family members (my little family and extended) will be happy with the decision as well. ... I guess that's just the little girl in me.

Planning Ahead - Looking Ahead

I feel like writing tonight. The boys are playing computer and it's funny to listen to them talk to each other. Over the last year or so we've come up with names for each of the boys. nicknames that describe a bulk of their personalities. I often find myself smiling at how right on we are with these names. Jakob is "Radar", Caleb is "Navigator", and JJ was just named "Play by Play".

I'm actually pretty tired. So I'm not going to be very creative with this update. Let me just share some of the latest and greatest:

This winter I am making our Homestead plans for this Spring. We want to do more gardening this year. I'm looking forward to giant pumpkins.  We also look forward to starting a small goat herd. My hope and plan is to learn how to train some of the goats to pull wagons and carts.
Right now my choice for the Cart Goats are the Nubian and the Silky breed:
 

This takes Planning, Financing, and Time. Wish is luck!

On a different note:
We were able to meet with a Neuro psychologist this week for Caleb. He was a very nice doctor and I believe he will give us a lot of answers to questions we have for all of the boys.

I finally have an MRI scheduled for next week to get answers and follow up about the tumors that I have on my pituitary gland. I really hope we make progress with my health!! I have so many reasons for wanting strength and well being!!

Well, it's Bed Time!!! YIIPPEEE! :)

A Silent Thief

My last post was a Family Update. While writing I said there was still a lot happening "In between the lines." I thought I'd write about some of those things.

Today I emailed and talked with Caleb's teacher and the Special Ed teacher. We've met several times and updates and game planning is not unusual with us. Today we talked about medication. A couple months ago Caleb got to a point where he would gradually get madder and madder (mostly when he didn't get his way.) and he started throwing things (canned food, chairs, scissors, etc.) being hurtful and destructive. We finally had to ask for medication until we can get in to see other specialists with other ideas. Problem is, the meds help for a little while and then we have to adjust them. But they make him tired if there's too much and yada yada yada. So we are working on finding a good dose and a steady plan.

It makes us sad when we see him asleep from medication...  But we know the alternative and that is Really Sad too! Especially because we know the fun, silly, happy, smile and light that Caleb is most of the time. It's like a battle to keep that light. Like something is trying to steal it away... It's Really Scary!

We also talked about tinted glasses to block out florescent lights, headphones and earmuffs to block out hums and chatter, coats becoming wings, car seat options for bus rides, and the Daunting Task of behavior modification, not just life skills training.

This morning I worked through waves of powerful fatigue and put dinner in the crock pot. It made a huge difference in our evening. My plan from now on will be to feed the boys dinner right when they get home from school at 4:00. From there, Caleb and I will go right outside. I have no idea how we're going to survive the winter... But I'll focus on Now. Being outside in nature is Caleb's element, it's therapy for him. And he craves having "jobs". So every day he runs out to gather the eggs. I am going to add the task of going (with me) to gather the mail. Then we'll walk around the Ranch to make sure everything is in check. Today we ended up walking completely around the Pond, behind the Arena where we daydreamed about where we would house different animals if we could, and then we looped through the side yard and filled in a hole that's been waiting to be filled with dirt for over a month. By the time we got home everyone was ready for a quiet moment. Within ten minutes I found all of the boys in the living room sitting on the couches reading books. - Peaceful sigh - .

I won't shatter the moment with details of Caleb and JJ suddenly coming up missing after the sun went down and then showing up with a flashlight and a grin, "we just wanted to see who was at The Barns," he says.  Grrr! Okay, I shared the details. The thing was, I wouldn't have even know they were missing if the door wasn't left wide open. I thought they were upstairs! Note to Self: We need door sensor chimes.

There is still so much more I could write about. And I want to because it helps me process things and be able to recall them later. But I am so tired.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm Tired.  So I will say good night for now.