Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Written in May 2022

I've learned some things about myself recently. First, I have built walls around myself in order to keep me from crying and/or feeling deep emotion. This means that for many, many, years I have not consistently listened to music that would invoke the Spirit to touch me, talk to me, and most likely cause tears to flow. In my previous lives ( not really😉) I mean in my earlier years, listening to music that brought me to the comfort of my Savior was an every day thing. Just a part of me. 

Why is this? And what have the consequences been? Well, I think the biggest reason is that I have not dared to evoke too much emotion. For fear that I would spiral and not be able to contain it. And Heaven knows I already battle spiraling out of control. Why encourage it? Right. No, I know that's a very unhealthy mindset. But survival mode causes us to do what we feel has to be done. Just to keep the boat afloat. I think the consequence has been a sense of loneliness. Living in a house full of males who all feel emotions in a completely different way then I do can feel isolating as it is. But to then never show them raw sad emotions?... it's just not a healthy way to live.

For many years we almost bragged about Leif's ability to compartmentalize. Split himself into pieces and be who he needed to be, where ever he was at the time. A.K.A. block out certain things in order to keep all of the boats afloat. And he did it very well.
Yeah, that type of coping strategy is a really bad idea that bites you back too.

Now that we are all living a more normal, stable lifestyle, we are being faced with problems that have been festering and only barely tended to. I think we have a new journey in front of us. I don't think it's going to be comfortable. I wonder how it will play out. 

*Have no fear as you read this. Our marriage is secure. That's not where this is leading.*

I'm talking about facing mountains in our lives that we haven't faced completely yet. Basically, there is a monumental mountain in our life together titled the year 2006 that has only grown into different mountains with different trails. That have led to other trails. 

For so many years we have been digging our way forward to get to where we are today with Leif's schooling and career. It has given us the perfect excuse to just buck up, take a pill, or just ignore it, and move for

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