Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Written January 2022

I have been sick for my children's entire lives. Some of the time, like the present, I am really sick. The "barely get out of bed" kind of sick. When I'm deep in the pit, you better believe that I ponder the peace of Heaven often. But if you haven't walked my path before, you might think that it is reprieve from the illness that I long for. But the truth is, the peace I find my mind creeping towards is a release from the guilt and shame that weighs down my mother heart like a ball and chain trying to drag me to the depths of the ocean. The feeling of deep sadness at the things undone with my children because of my weaknesses. 

Do not feel pity for me. It is the last thing I need. My life is filled with so much goodness and love. And I'm way past expecting someone else to fix our problems.  I only share these very personal feelings simply to let someone who needs to know, that they are not alone in feeling such things. 

In my situation we may be surrounded by people and still feel desperately lonely. So what practical things do we do to keep ourselves from doing anything that would break our loved ones hearts?

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