A Few Thoughts and Updates

So much floating through my mind. One liners mostly. Things like, "Alone! I just want to be left alone." Not for very long just a couple of days a week maybe. I have loved the time with JJ by himself when the kids are off to school. But this week has been so hard with all of the extra sickness we have had. Caleb's only made it to two days of school this week.:( And then even when it's just JJ and Leif is home sleeping after working the night shift, JJ won't let me take an uninterrupted nap.

Lately I feel like all I'm trying to do is sleep uninterrupted 24/7 and it's a constant battle. When Leif works nights I'm so exhausted through the night that I can't follow through with MAKING everyone go into their own bed. I end up with one kid in Leif's side of the bed and one on the floor at the foot of the bed and occasionally literally in the bed at the foot of the bed. And then to top it off this morning Jakob came in my room at 5:15 after we had all had a rough night and woke Caleb up, who freaked out, which woke JJ up. And if you know JJ at all you know that he does NOT like being woke up!! I was Livid!

My alarm was set for 6:00AM. I took Caleb and JJ both up to Jakob (who had wisely climbed the stairs back up to his room) and I planted a screaming JJ and Caleb into his bed. I made it impeccably clear to him that he was NEVER to come down in the morning before 6:00 and I left the Littles screaming at him instead of me. I walked down the stairs, locked the door, and went back to bed until my alarm went off. Jakob, being the science man that he is apologized to me when I woke up and said, "that's an example of Cause and Effect isn't it? I was the Cause, and they were the Effect." Such Jakob Logic!! If I was in a clearer state of mind I would have said, "yes! But it's also called Mistake and Consequence!"

I have other thoughts floating through my mind. the word Tragic comes to mind. That seems a little melodramatic. But it's the word none the less. This illness that has taken over is so very tragic. For so long it was just an undercurrent of our life as a family. An ongoing annoyance. Gradually it has become the ever present shadow that swallows up all strength and good intentions.  Once we moved to Missouri we were hoping and expecting some kind of miracle, I think. To have it all go away. Or at least to find a magic bullet. but that hasn't happened. Instead we celebrate the good days and hope they will somehow out last the bad days soon.

Missouri is a beautiful place. We live in a town called Carthage. My uncle moved his family out here several years ago and my family has gradually migrated out here as well. My parents and two of my brothers live out here. It has been really neat to get to spend time with my family again. We've had some great times together. I've especially loved getting to know my Niece and Nephew, though I wish they lived just a little closer so we could get together more. My parents have been good to us as well. My boys have enjoyed getting to know them more and an added blessing is that my mom is Caleb's primary teacher.

Right now we live on my aunt and uncle's beautiful ranch in their ranch house. They have been overwhelmingly good to us and living in such a beautiful place is like a dream come true. Thy are trying to sell their other home in Carthage. When they do we will move from here, so they can move onto the ranch. But until then we will enjoy season we are here. Leif and the boys are raising 5 baby hens and 5 baby guinea hens. We are thinking about getting a couple of goats as well. Today I feel hesitant to move forward on that because I have such a hard time helping with them animals.  And Leif's schedule is busy.

Leif is working in Springfield MO. An hour and a half commute to and from work. He is working on their Med-Surg floor and really enjoys his job. He works nights. Typically a 4 on 3 off schedule.

The boys are in school and so far it seems like a wonderful school!! I especially like Jakob's teacher. It's still hard to believe Caleb is in Kindergarten!! So far he seems to be doing well. I'm SO Glad they like their school!!!

We have a good ward here. My uncle is actually the bishop. Leif has been called as the 15 and 16 Yr old Sunday School teacher. He really likes the group of kids he works with!! I have been called as a Relief Society Teacher. I was looking forward to teaching. But my lesson is this Sunday and I'm not sure I'll be able to teach. :(

Well, I think that just about covers the update that I wanted to make. But ti stil seems like there's so much to think about and so much to write about. Birthdays, for one!! JJ turned 3, and Jakob will be 9 tomorrow!! My babies are growing up.

This is How it Really Is... and It's Really Hard!

This is how life really is... and It's Really Hard!

My arms are so weak sometimes that they shake when I try to type. My head aches and feels so heavy that I can't hold it up. Sometimes my face feels so hot I'm sure I have a fever. Other times my limbs are so cold we have to use a blow dryer to warm them up. I sat in the bathtub yesterday and looked down and my hip was covered in a huge deep blue and red bruise. I have no idea when or how it happened. Now it hurts if its touched like I have a rash on my hip. If life allowed me to, I could sleep the entire day and into the night... and sadly I would probably still be tired.

My life is made up of a few days in a row where I suddenly feel well. I am strong enough to take care of myself - and my children - AND my house. And for these few days I am even able to take on a few of the hobbies and projects that I long to dabble in on a daily bases. And then just as suddenly as those few days come, they are gone. And my life is put at a stand still. My body can't find strength. Sometimes I am plagued with radiating pain. The latest are rounds of bowl problems that youngins' like me only hear about from their grandparents. ER visits. Hospital stays. Prescriptions. Side effects. Co-pays. Forms and Releases. Medical Histories. Lab work. And No clear Answers.

And amidst the waves of the storm created by my own body rides the precious lives of my husband and children. And that, is By Far the hardest pain of all!...  The neglect. The stress. The loss. The weakness. This is what causes my greatest heartache.

I have been through a lot in my life. Along with my illness the heaviest heartache has been the loss of my girls. And you know what, it is only now that I have heard the word "why?" sputter out of my heart and into my mind and now occasionally out of my mouth. Truly, there is absolutely no good that can really come from asking the Lord why He has chosen me for such trials. We all have trials and murmuring will only cause conflict and heartache because the clear answers are unavailable in this life.

But maybe... Maybe it's okay to ask Him why. "Why am I facing such a trial?" Why? When I have such good solid desires to be a good mother... Even a Great mother." Why am I not able to go for walks in the sunshine with my boys? Why can't I make homemade meals? Why can't I make them play dough and run through the sprinklers? Why can't I go to the park, a museum, and out for ice cream all in one day and still come home and make dinner and put the kids to bed? Why can't I stand at the sink and wash the dishes? There are so very many reasons right now that I ask the Lord WHY!!!??? WHY when all of my desires are for GOOD!!?? What is the catch!? What am I not getting? What lesson am I not learning??? How Long will this be our life?? Will my children REALLY be raised by a sick mother? This Can Not be happening!!??

Often I will end a post with an answer I have received. Or inspiration that has brightened my path. But tonight, this is just the way it is. And it is Hard. And it is Sad!

And then it continues...
We are living in my uncles house. We have lived here for two months and I just cleaned up the office and put all of the boxes and things away. And soon we will just need to pack everything up and move again. I can't even approach that thought right now....

We need to be able to move to Springfield by the first week of August. We HAVE to get the kids settled into their school. Caleb needs to go through some type of pre-kindergarten screening (whatever that means.) I need to know whether we'll be dealing with uniforms or new clothes. There's new student registration dates. Back to school nights. Meet the teachers nights. And on and on. WE NEED TO GET TO Springfield!! Why haven't we yet? I have either been too ill to go out and find a place or we haven't had the money. Mostly the money. But we have/will be blessed and I know we will find the right place. I just hope it will be in the right time.

My children are very hard to care for day in and day out. They are hard for a healthy person. So when I am sick, so much falls onto Leif, or doesn't get done. Again, this leads me to the question of WHY. And if not why, HOW? How are we supposed to help these children reach their best potential if I am struggling so much on my own? I know my story is not really unusual. This is life here on earth. Life on earth is never ideal circumstances, right? But WOW! Let's just say This Mother HATES Summer Break!! My children require school and they require their teachers. And I think that will soon be the answer to my question of HOW.

Somehow though, we keep going when life is so heavy, don't we? We go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day and that there are good things to come. And so, that is what I will do tonight. I will close my eyes and fall asleep with the hope of better days and good things to come. Good Night, Until Then!... Here's to Better Days!!

This morning I woke up to an email from my dear friend who was checking in with me after reading THIS post. She asked me to share all of the details with her that I haven't shared yet. So I wrote her back and I thought I'd post it here for the record. 

Honestly, I'm really struggling. My kids are a nightmare. They are bored to death. The age difference and personality differences between Jakob and Caleb make for almost constant conflict. The absolute only time there isn't conflict is if they are in front of a screen or the very rare times they play nicely together. They miss their grandparents terribly. But I can tell they actually don't realize that they miss them. They don't talk about them very often. But when they do they talk about the good times with them and that they miss them. But it took them 6 months to start expressing how they felt about Leif being gone when he moved to Flagstaff for school. The kids are lonely. They didn't get to their friends houses very often. But they did occasionally and they always knew they were there. And with daily visits and time from their grandparents their needs were met and so were mine. Here, there are no friends. 

I have a lot of family here. But everyone is extremely busy and living their own struggles and journey. My parents have been in North Carolina visiting Heather for the last three weeks or so. Before they left we saw them or talked to them every day. They helped us move in. But that was still juggled between all that they needed to get done in their own lives, which is a lot. They work with my aunt and uncle with all of their businesses. My dad works on the computer and marketing and my mom is helping with designing and landscaping for the new ranch that Bruce and Chris bought. They are working on fixing it up as a reception center and family gathering place to rent out.  You really just have to be around my parents to understand why it causes stress to be with them. I don't really have the energy to get into writing it right now. Let's just say there is a lot of Love towards us, but along with it there is always a personal agenda. Something they need, want, or expect from us in return. It has been that way my entire life. So it's not unexpected. But it's very very hard. Mostly because I have so little to give back and Leif is so busy with work and keeping up our little world that he can only fit so much in for them. 

I was the one that ended up in the hospital this time. Thursday night I found myself violently ill and in the bathroom with what felt like labor. I was seriously wondering if I was having a miscarriage. Ends up that I wasn't. But the bowel movement had a lot of blood. I was able to sleep that night but I woke up very sick and weak and still bleeding. So, long story short, I ended up going into the ER. From there I was admitted for the next few days. The bleeding stopped and I had a colonoscopy. We're still waiting for test results. Either way my guts were really inflamed and sick. So I've been working on trying to get them feeling better and waiting for test results. So it's just one more thing added to my other health struggles with no answers. While I was in the hospital my parents were on vacation. Not their fault. My brother and his wife watched the boys over night for us. And Karin and her husband helped one of the other days. The struggle with my parents and my health is that my mom refuses to internalize the reality of how sick I really am and how hard it is to function in the day. She can give her opinions and prescriptions. But she resists actively helping where I really need it. Which is playing with my kids and helping me meet my family's needs. Again. expected, but hard. 

And then there's housing. We are staying in the Ranch house right now on my Uncle's ranch. It is beautiful! We asked him if we could pay rent and he told us to just pay utilities. So that is a blessing. But they are hoping to sell their big house and move in to the Ranch house ASAP. So this isn't long term. Also, it takes Leif over an hour one way to get to work. So it has to be a short term stay.  We came out here with the understanding that we were a shoe in for a mortgage. Unfortunately, now we find out that our student loans have to be added to the total debt and our debt to income ratio is unacceptable for a zero down mortgage. This was a sad hard blow. So now we're right back at the beginning and looking for a rental in Springfield. 

And employment. Luckily, Leif is a Great Nurse!! So his job security is a blessing! But the pay is disappointing. Especially because rent costs more then what a mortgage would have cost each month. And now we have medical bills in addition to our other bills. So money never seems to be an easy thing!!:( 

So, one has to ask, Did we make a mistake by coming out here? Nah. We had to move on from where we were at. The only struggle that wouldn't be in our life otherwise is being away from Leif's family. But we needed to be on our own for a while. Stretch our wings. It's just hard :(.

So, that's the nitty gritty of our life. Thank you so much for asking!! I really needed a listening ear today.

Weary Traveler

Tonight I feel like a weary traveler.  I have so much to be grateful for. Yet so much is weighing me down. I haven't written here for so long. I know my blog has been calling to me for a long time. But I'm sad to say that headaches have limited my writing time and I was also hesitant to talk about everything pressing. But I've decided to just write here without concern. I need one place where I can write my story without fear of offence. One place to just think things through.

It's not easy living close to my parents again. I knew it would be challenging. It hasn't been worse then expected. But not easier either. I feel very alone even though I am surrounded by family. I miss Leif's family. Their unconditional love. I miss my boys' relationship with them. I cry whenevr I let myself think about it. It makes me want to scream!

Planning our future is by far the biggest laugh of my adult life! This past month has taken me straight back to the year of 2006 (the year we lost our twins) and frankly, it has scared me! There are so many similarities. Leif graduates from school and sets out to start a good career and the "great prospects for financial security" suddenly become out of reach again. Health crisis', Hospital stays, being stuck in the crisis and having to depend on my family for help only to have them on vacation. All of these things are things that happened back then. Why can't we just take off and move forward without restraint?

We came out here completely assured that we would be approved for a mortgage. Now we find out that our student loans count against us. Seriously, if that is considered, we won't ever get a mortgage. Now we have to rent. Since my hospital stay I can't feel much peace about going anywhere. I have no idea why. I've actually felt better about apartments then houses. That's surprising!! But I don't want to have to worry that we're disturbing the neighbors. But what if we find great neighbors in the same complex? And apartments have a lot of conveniences. But they have very little privacy and nowhere for the kids to just go out and play in their yard.

I really hate to think of myself as someone who feels the need to go "ward shopping" but I'm afraid that's what I would like to do. Really, I just feel such a need to make some good connections out here that I feel like I need to have the choices set out before I have a clue where to start to decide to live. We all need friends. Especially the kids and I. And we all need good opportunities to serve and become involved in the ward. Yet, I need to feel valued by the ward as well.

I have to readjust to Leif working full time again. Leif is a very committed person. He pours his mind and heart into his duty completely. So when he is at work and school for a string of a few days, he is there completely and it is hard for him to switch gears when he gets home. That is hard and feels lonely sometimes for me. But when he is home for a stretch, he is home and all is well in the world. I just have to understand this, be Grateful, and adjust. Luckily his schedule is an average of a few days at work, a few days off of work.

Well, it's late and I need to get to sleep. I need to carry my baby back up the stairs to bed. And Pray that he doesn't come down again!! But it's good to be back to writing and thinking things out again.

Always Remember: Expectations and Reality

I've had this thought floating through my mind and heart for quite a while now and decided to finally share.

Always Remember that your expectations of something or someone will usually be far grander then the reality of things. Grab on to the grand in the reality and love it!

Count Down to the Departure

We leave in Less Then ONE WEEK! AmAzInG!!! 

Plans changed Thursday from having a moving company leave a trailer for us to pack and them driving  it out - to - Us reserving a Budget truck to drive. Leif will drive the truck while pulling our little car and I will drive the van. Jakob will ride with Leif and I will have the Littles. We will save A LOT of money and I feel like I have been prepared ahead of time for this journey. Not ideal. But I'm grateful for the fact that I can even phathom the idea even with my driving phobias.

SATURDAY 18th: Family Brunch (Family in town from Utah), Caleb's Year End Party
Pack
SUNDAY 19th: Leif sings in church, Traditional tie dying summer tee shirts

MONDAY 20th: Jakob and Leif Field Trip to Glenn Canyon Damn, Lena IEP Meeting for Caleb, Neighborhood Farewell Picnic
Pack
TUESDAY 21st: Temple Recommend interviews
Pack
WEDNESDAY 22nd: Pick up Budget Truck from St. George, Elders Q and Scouts come to help load trailer
Pack
THURSDAY 23rd: Load up and organize vehicles for road trip

FRIDAY 24th - TUESDAY 28th: Fredonia - Flagstaff KAO - Albuquerque KAO - Amarillo KAO or Hotel - Oklahoma City KOA or Hotel - Carthage Missouri Bruce and Chris Westwood Civil War Ranch House

Travel Entertainment: 
Videos
Magic School Bus (Complete Series)
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (movies)
Puppy and Kitten Party
Tailspin Volume 1
Tom and Jerry Volume 3
Duck Tales Volume 2
AudioBooks
A Step of Faith, Richard Paul Evans
Softly and Tenderly, Sara Evans and Rachel Hauck
Beyonders: A World Without Heroes, Brandon Mull

We will stay in my uncle's ranch house until we find our "permanent home." Leif will begin work at the Springfield MO Mercy Hospital on June 10th. 

Today With Lupus

May is Lupus Awareness Month. Part of me hesitates to be very vocal about my fight against Lupus. I think it stems from the fact that I haven't had all of the blood work done so I don't have a slip of paper that tells me in black and white that "You Have Lupus!" In fact, deep down I am terrified that some day when I've finally seen all of the specialists they will come back and tell me that I don't have Lupus and in fact the tests all say I am perfectly healthy. Yes, I am afraid they will tell me that I'm not sick. Because, the truth of the matter is my every day life screams of a fight. So let's talk about it a little, shall we?

Today with Lupus

Today I woke up at 5:30 and felt the strange internal anxiety that I often feel. I squirmed and stretched too much before I was really awake and ended up with aches and pains that could have been avoided if I had just held still while waking up.

Today it took me four hours to get the motivation and strength to get myself breakfast, my medicine, and a shower. I had to lay down in between each task as well as ask my husband to take care of the kids so I could focus and make sure I was taking the right medication in the right way.

Today I want to stop taking the medication (Prednisone) that has helped me in so many ways because I have gained weight that was so hard to lose and my face resembles a full moon. But I won't stop.

Today is like so many others before it. Filled with patches of remembering and forgetting. Words and thoughts, coming and going. Cement instead of Cinnamon... They mean the same thing, Right?

Today I felt fear of what others might think of me when I move to our new home. I wondered if they will understand why I can't spend too much time outside in the sun or help with the big projects or run and play with the kids. I know I will feel guilty for not being able to help or do enough. I fear they will see me as lazy and selfish. Fear is a sneaking devise.

Today the kids had pizza for lunch, leftovers for dinner and popcorn for breakfast. Lovely!

Today I have a swollen nerve in my lower back - and on my head - and one on my arm and foot. Inflamed nerves cause sharp pain or ridiculous itching. We won't even discuss the sore in my nose and the jagged hairline that I discovered They're Great!;).

And then it happened:

Today I suddenly found myself thinking clearly and moving around productively... The hour was fabulous!:)

Today I kept going. I prayed. I rested. I kept going. I prayed. I rested. I kept going. I prayed. And finally I will sleep.  Because tomorrow will be another day very much like it was Today.

Leaving Them Behind but Inviting Them Near

I didn't think it would really matter... But now I know it does because the tears have began to flow, and that is rare, indeed.  Last night I dreamed about abandoned babies at a store that turned out to be broken pieces of a doll or small decorated kidney beans. In the dream I really wanted to keep "the babies" all for myself. I woke up with my first thought being about the rose bushes growing outside in our front yard.  I wonder what will happen to them?

This is the jumbled emotions of my Mother Heart trying to process the reality that I must leave. I will leave with three of my children and I will have to leave my girls and their hallowed ground here, creating even more distance between us then there has already been. For some reason it has become hard and sad.

To get through the aching lump in my throat that has surprised me throughout the day I start to day dream about the memorial that we will build again for our girls. Everywhere we go their is always a place for them. Our landing place when we get to Missouri won't be where we will set down roots. But it will be a special home for our family, owned by family.  I am hoping they won't mind if we put a little garden together in my girls honor. A place where I can nurture and beautify and ponder the journey of life. Some day I hope to have a place with two cherub angels statues and maybe even a bench to sit in and teach my boys about their sisters and the lessons that they taught us during their short but profound life. To everything there is a season.

This is a season that has been long awaited and carries many beautiful changes and treasures. And yes, some very sad and difficult changes as well. I didn't think this would be one of them. But I was wrong. The power of a Mother's Love is still surprising to me. And what is more surprising is how, some how, we carry on.

Always Remember: Be One Person

Always Remember to be one person. Life will grant you the opportunity to be many things in many different places. You will be a family member in your home. You will be a student in a classroom. You might be a Sunday school teacher, a scout leader, or an executive officer in a corporation. In all of your roles and places be the same person with the same character, habits, and manners. In all places and in all things be one. 

Good Day - Sunshine!

Today was one of those days in life when the past meets with the present and feels just like sunshine! 

An Unexpected Day Off

Sometimes you just need an unexpected day off. A day when you stop all of the everyday normal and relax without guilt or limits. Yesterday was our unplanned forced Day Off. And it was great. Strange, but great!

I went to sleep the night before knowing that I needed a little change from the stress of cleaning and packing for the move. My nerves were shot. So Leif and I were thinking about a trip into St. George to do some shopping. Instead, Caleb woke up at 5:15 in the morning and refused to be still until everyone was out of bed. Jakob was not thrilled at being woke up as he wasn't feeling well in general. We were throwing around the idea of whether to go on our little outing when Jakob suddenly came out of the shower having breathing trouble. Real trouble! Such a scary thing! We only have ideas of what officially causes his episodes (allergies,  stress, ??)  but thank heavens for his inhaler. Leif gave him a treatment and checked his vitals. Gratefully Jakob was breathing normal again. Grumpy and moody, but normal. We sent him to lay down and he was not happy about that! Unfortunately, within 30 minutes he was having another attack. This time I was really nervous and insisted that we go to the ER. We gave him an inhaler treatment and headed out the door as soon as grandma got to the house to watch the little ones. It takes 15 minutes to get to the hospital. We drove into the parking lot and Jakob was just fine and asking if he could play the Kindle while we were there. Uggg! We did not want to spend the first half of the day in the ER if he was okay! Leif went in to the hospital and gratefully ran in to our family doctor. After discussing things together we all decided that Jakob was probably safe to go home.

** Sorry I just got really tired and I can't finish this post unless I just make it bullet points.**

Went out to breakfast
Tried to take Caleb to Headstart but got there too late for him to be able to go to class.
I played with the boys outside while they road bikes and I pushed them on the tree rope swing (A BIG deal!)
Decided we would just call it a day off
Leif went to get a stack of movies and goodies/food
I cleaned up the house so I would be able to relax without stressing over the mess.
Grandma came to visit and I talked on the phone with Heather
Leif came home with everything including flowers for me :)
We made Little Smokies and passed out all the yummys
Leif and I watched Bones and the boys watched all kinds of movies.
Leif and I applied for a rental house in Nixa
Leif mowed the lawn
Leif and I set up the pully system in the van (to help me send things back and forth to the boys.)
Leif showed me the licence plate cover he got me (a really cute frog frame!)
6:00 came before I knew it (totally surprised)
Leif read to the kids from Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites while the littles played/argued
Everyone was exhausted from the early morning
Leif and I watched The Hobbit before going to sleep.

It felt so good to just let the stress and anxiety of the Normal Routine take a back seat for a day!! Loved It!!

Always Remember: Your Body Is A Gift

Always Remember that the ultimate reason for a person to come to this earth is to receive a body, an essential step in our eternal progression. Strive to gain an unconditional gratitude for the body that you have been given. Find thanks for the gift even when it hurts, is broken, and  is far from its brightest potential. The final product is beyond our wildest dreams. Find hope in this promise.