Wednesday, April 25, 2012


I woke up this morning utterly and completely fatigued.  Leif even tried to talk to me around 6:15AM this morning because he thought we were having an earthquake (we've had a couple lately.) Apparently I didn't even stir.

By 7:00 all of the kids were awake so naturally that means I need to be awake. I can't really describe how I feel on this bad days. Besides the fact that I feel like I could sleep deeply all day, my head and my limbs feel like dead weight. Really, it's a great feeling!;) Well, I prayed myself out of bed and then read a couple of verses of the scriptures for an added boost and slugged out of bed.

Without going into every detail of my morning I will get to the point of my post. Well, this morning after the kids were fed and clothed, and Jakob was off to school I finally sat down to eat a bowl of cereal. I poured my bowl of Chex and JJ promptly decided he wanted my cereal so I gave it to him and I poured myself another one. -enters Leif to get himself a bowl of cereal- I sit down to eat and JJ stands up to eat his and begins spilling half of his spoon fulls on the padded chair he's sitting on. Really, there's no way for me to write the details of what happened next or why, you know, because I'm really tired. But suddenly I just SNAPPED! I just started yelling! I wasn't yelling at anyone but myself. Leif probably thought I was yelling at him. Truth is, I was only yelling at my lack of ability to keep things together. The only thing I remember saying is that I can't I have turned out like this! Then I began to list things: "This table hasn't been wiped down in FOUR days! The counter hasn't seen a cloth in maybe SEVEN! And my kid's eat mac n' cheese and hot dogs for dinner... IF THEY'RE LUCKY! (otherwise it's corn dogs or pizza) I went on for a little longer. The last thing I remember saying was "The BIZARRE thing is, no one seems to say or think that this is all incredibly weird! (to me this is WAY below my personal standards of  how I want to be) But then I looked up and Leif was silently staring at me... I went silent too.

Silence. That about sums it up. There is nothing Leif or I can think of to solve all of these annoying problems. I have great days that I try my hardest to catch up. I have good days. And then I have these terrible days. And for some completely unknown reason, this is my life. I am trying to figure out why chronic fatigue and  illness is one of the trials of my life. But it is. And some days, like today, I just Explode with the sadness of it's reality. And then, after stepping back for a little while, Leif and I look at each other with some indescribable understanding and love, and we gather the pieces I've just spewed all over, and we move forward. Because, after all, sometimes that's all we can do...


Heidi Hamilton said...

:( I'm so sorry. I definitely know about not being able to fully function right now, but I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I'm sure it would be so hard to not know when or where or if that is for you. We have been praying for you.Hope you start feeling better SOON!

Star said...

My heart went out to you from reading this post. It is so honest. I know to a certain degreethe exact mental state you were in, because I have had my share of exploding these past few weeks.

People will show up to look at the house (as potential renters), and I can't stop apologizing that my house is a disaster. I keep thinking that this is NOT where I wanted to be as far as housekeeping and I get stressed that it reflects on me as a person, and then I feel guilty because I want to be so much better, but at the end of the day, all I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep. I hope this time goes by quickly for you (10 weeks went by faster than I thought) and that the Lord will bless you with the physical, mental, and emotional strength in preparation for the task ahead. You are a strong, capable, person and I know you can do this! And don't stress, my girls have eaten mac'n'cheese, grilled cheese, and cereal more times than I would care to count.

Lena Baron said...

Thank you so much Ladies for your love and support! Thank You!! None of us have it easy, thank you for taking the time to cheer me on!!

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