Another Day - Not Too Bad

Music! There is a power in music that reaches the soul. I know, that's not an original thought. But none the less, it is very true. However it's our choice whether the music is healing or depleting. At the moment I'm listening to "Mayberry" by Rascal Flatts. I Love a song with a story. I love it even more when I can relate to it's story. I have to consciously choose what music I listen to at different times in my life, month, week, day, hour. Music is that powerful for me. Now I'm listening to "This Everyday Love" again by Rascal Flatts. Now this is a song that puts words to my love and life with Leif. It's hard to find the words to explain a happy marriage sometimes. This song brings out the simplicity of the truth. Nice!

Okay, so my day... Well, we made it out the door this morning and Caleb only insisted on one clothes change before we walked into his school. Don't worry, I wouldn't put up with two... I don't think. Sometimes these days it's just easier to change the shirt, shorts, pants, socks, well you get the pictures. The fight can be more draining then the multiple changes. We're surviving though. Caleb loves school. He struggles with seperation anxiety a little more then normal which is hard. If I was feeling well I probably would give in and keep him home. But I know he is in a really good place and he would be miserable if he was at home. They take good care of him and I try to stay in touch with the teachers. Jakob is doing really well in school as well. I am personally thrilled by the fact that his homework load is light this year. This is a huge blessing for our family this year! He is able to finish it at the library after school while I pick up Caleb and update with his teachers. Then we can just have free family time until bedtime. Love It!!

My goals today were to take the van in for maintenance: Check!  Load the dish washer: Check!
The rest of the day I napped. I chose a color or two to repaint my bedroom. Found weathered wood out i the yard to make a DIY headboard (way excited about this!) and I bought latex stain for the outside stairs. I fed the kids (chili over corn chips) So nutritious, I know! Last night was cereal, bananas, and yogurt. Lovely! Caleb whined for salad tonight at dinner! Where did I get these kids anyway!?;)

I felt Extremely strange today. At one point I told Leif I felt like I was on speed (not that I have a clue how that really feels:) Yet, my body felt SO Very Tired! It's the strangest feeling. The "speed" feeling comes from a medication I take and the Crystal Light Energy I drink sometimes when I have to do a little more then the norm (like leave the house more then to take and gather children.)

So now it's 10:20 and I really need to get to sleep. Leif and I dedicated and listened to a few love songs together for our "date night" tonight. We've been dedicating songs to each other and posting them on our "Love Letters Along the Way" blog. We've got a great list of songs that fit us just right so far. Leif worked on making them in to a CD for me today. I can't wait to listen to it and raise my boys to jam out to sappy love songs:) Especially when they tell them the story of their parents love for each other.

Speaking of Love,  I can't believe I almost forgot to mention this!!: Guess what I got in the mail today!?
Do you remember this from one of my recent posts? YeP! My Love surprised me with this sweet clock today!:) It's hanging in our living room and Jakob's first comment was that it reminds him of our family (silly and wild.) I completely agree! Thank you My Love!!

Smiles and Not, And Fun Up Ahead!

Do you think it might be a little counter productive to have the A/C going on one side of the house and the Heater going on the other? Yeah, I don't think I would be considered very "green.":) September is the month when we're trying to acclimate from being constantly hot to being cold. So I just try to find a happy medium... :) Just Kidding. I just realized what had happened and thought I'd write about it.:)

Tonight as Leif and I visited over Skype we were just about to say goodnight and pray together when I said "so does my face look like I've gained weight?" :)  Leif was smart and just gave me a half smile in silence and I was smart and changed the subject.:) Some things just don't need to be said!

You know, I could end there and you might all think that my day has been full of witty smiles:) So... Maybe I should.:) Naaa, I'll be honest and tell you the whole truth. I got a lot done this morning and afternoon. My goal was to sift through the mounds of clothes that I had piled in my closet and organize for the winter and Goodwill. I reached that goal today. But it must have come at a cost. Because I was not at my best this afternoon with the kids. I feel so bad on days like this. But I'm still kinda bugged too. Jakob was Really pushing my buttons today! And Caleb's whine!! Uggg! But the day is over now, right?? Thank Heavens!  I'm praying for a better mood and energy tomorrow. Tonight my head was so heavy...

Let's end this on a good note, shall we? Well, I "calendared" with my dear Mother-in-Law this afternoon and she has agreed to watch the boys for us for a few nights in November so I can go to Flagstaff. Technically, I am scheduled to be in a meeting all day one of those days for the Head Start program (I am our representative here in Fredonia.) But that means that my travel, food, and hotel will be paid for during part of my stay. AND, it just happens to be scheduled on November 7th and 8th. I Really wanted to be with Leif on Election Day, which just happens to be November 6th. So Yippee for a fun few days with my hubby in the future!! Something great to look forward to!

It's All a Matter of Perspective

I've been reading an amazing blog journal written by a medical professional in Japan who was called to help the victims of the earthquake and tsunami in 2011. I haven't finished reading her whole journey yet. But I decided to finish for tonight and write. She wrote about the terrible, unimaginable struggles that the people faced and how hard they were. But she seemed to have the underlining current of hope for a brighter moment or day ahead. I finished tonight with a story about a woman who gave birth to a healthy baby among the chaos and heartache. She talked about the hope the baby brought for their future and the ray of sunshine the baby brought into the hospital. It hit me that almost everything around us and our interpretation is all a matter of choice and perspective. This woman chose to allow the birth of this baby to bring her light. She could have chosen to dwell on the hardships that the baby was about to face in its upcoming days ahead. She chose to see God even amidst the storm. It's all a matter of perspective.

The boys and I were headed to our van this evening after a Cub Scout Pack Meeting. Within seconds my boys were running as fast as their legs could carry them along the sidewalk, into the parking lot, and finally to the van. My first instinct was to call out to them to slow down and walk in order to avoid face planting to the ground on their way or worse, bolting out in front of a car. But just as I was opening my mouth, it hit me. "Let them run, you just take in the memory." And so I did. I watched them chase each other in the Autumn dusk. the sun setting off to the distance. Jakob taking the lead, with Caleb in toe, and JJ trailing not far off in the distance. Their laughter ripples in the evening breeze. Caleb falls, just as I had predicted and Jakob calls out to him "You're Okay!" Caleb jumps up as if Jakob's word can never be wrong. And there I see it. The beauty of my life set out right before me. It's all a matter of perspective.  Thank you Father!

It Is Time to Share

I think it's amazing that during the two most difficult times in my life (so far) -the loss of my twins and Leif being away at school-, I have written very little. This is a sad reality because there is so much to share and so many lessons learned. These are the times when the roots of empathy for other's struggles have been established in my own life. I am going to try harder to write more. To share more. Even if the posts aren't all cheerful. In fact, many of them might be abstract and melancholy. If this ends up happening, they will only prove the truth. Some of them will be deep and lonely. Some of them will be short and sweet smiles. Either way, they will be me.

So much is happening in my life right now. So much is happening within my body right now. I have finally admitted to myself and to my close family members, and now to you, that I am in a strange state of depression. An illness and stress induced depression. We know that there are contributing factors to the problem. We just haven't pin-pointed exactly all of them. Nor have we found the right doctors to help eliminate the antagonists. I pray that we will find each other soon.

So, there it is. I have told my readers many many of my health issues over the years. Including many that have led me to where I am today. But this is one of the most uncomfortable to discuss. It's deep and personal. It has multiple faces, names, and personalities. None of which are very pretty. This is one of the reasons that I don't write very often. It's just not a very fun subject. But I need to write. I need to challenge my mind and my heart to find a balance and the words to the feelings. I need to sift through the fog to find the reality verses the adversary. So I am going to force myself to write every night. You're in for some very interesting reading, I'm sure!:)  A pendulum of emotion and stories. It is time to share...
-BTW: I Totally Want That Clock!:)-

Missing

Some nights I stay up for hours and hours browsing and rebrowsing the same websites over and over again, as if Im searching for something before I can fall asleep. But I just can't seem to figure out what I'm searching for. So finally I just force myself to shut everything down, take my sleeping meds, and welcome the oblivion that it brings me. Tonight I realized what I'm searching for... or rather, Who...

Our Routine and Update

I have so many wonderful things to write about. Especially Jakob's baptism. I have some great photos of our August fun too. But my time at the computer has to be broken up into short times because my eyes can't tolerate the strain for very long before a tremendous headache kicks in. In fact, I might ask Leif to write about Jakob's birthday weekend and his baptism and I'll then add my two-cents... Good idea!:)

Anyway, we're back into a good school week routine. I am blessed right now to have the two oldest boys in school full-day. This means that I wake up in the morning whenever my sweet Caleb decides it's time to wake up. He's always the first person awake in the house. He usually wakes up sometime within the 6:00 hour. The last couple of days he's snuck into bed with me in the middle of the night and I barely even know he's there until morning. Sweet times!

I work to get myself and the boys awake and out the door to the car by 7:30. Some days we're cheerful, other days I wonder how we're going to make it through. I drop Jakob off first and am so grateful for the breakfast program at school! I then take Caleb (and JJ) to Headstart. So far Caleb has only needed me to stay through breakfast once. Otherwise we stick around and play and visit for a bit and the JJ and I head home or to run errands.

By 10:00 in the morning, JJ and I are ready for our nap. I am blessed to have JJ who enjoys his sleep as much as I need mine. So he sleeps for hours and I sleep and rest as long as he does. Some days we don't get back up and going until 2:00. An incredible blessing!

We get out the door to pick up the boys at 2:50. Our best routine is to pick up Jakob and take hom in to the library that is next door to the Head Start. He works on his homework while I go pick up Caleb. We play at the playground for a bit and then go to the library. The little boys play and read until we're ready to go and then we head home.

Since homework's done the boys are free to play and I'm able to rest until it's dinner time. Dinner's at 5:00 and we Skype Papa at 6:00. Papa reads to Jakob (Fable Haven) and plays online Connect 4 with Caleb until 6:45. Scriptures and prayer with Papa and then in bed by 7:00. I didn't mention that from 6:00 on is one of our hardest hours of the day. By then my head usually feels like it will explode from the pain that I can't get rid of. So it's really hard to handle the normal rough housing the boys are constantly doing unless they're watching a movie.

So, generally speaking, that is our story. Jakob and Caleb are enjoying school. They've both had their good and bad days. But I'm thrilled that they enjoys school and their teachers and JJ and I enjoy our special time together:)

When it comes to my health update: We are working on setting up appointments with several specialist at the Barrow Neurological Institute in Phoenix. From there we hope to have a direction and some hope for relief. Before we can do anyting we need to have a clear idea of what we're dealing with. Are the tumors an indication of something bigger? Or are they the main problem? Once we know that we will decide on medications or surgeries as necessary. So, that's the upcoming journey. Until then, I sleep a lot and usually have some type of pain that adds to the fatigue. But thank heavens I am able to rest!

Leif is doing very well in school!! We miss not being together, especially me. But he is busy and that helps him a lot. He will start working in the hospitals soon and that will open up a whole new world for him. I'm really proud of him!!  I often wish that we lived in Flagstaff together for my sake. But the kids are in a good place here. I know it is right for now. We will just take things as they come. Once I start seeing the doctors we will see what the plan is. But for now, I am so very grateful for all of the blessings that we have been given!

Answers and a Journey

So many things are happening every day! It is hard to keep up with everything!! I went in for a day of Exams two weeks ago. We received the results to my MRI two days ago. They discovered two small tumors on my pituitary gland. They are called Miroadenoma's . They are non-cancerous. Sometimes they are active and cause problems. Sometimes they are not active. Though we haven't determined with blood work yet, we are pretty sure that mine are active. "Active" meaning they mess with the hormones in the body and cause a huge array of ill symptoms. This week, the most difficult has been incredible fatigue and compromised immune system (one cold after another, etc.)

So, we have answers and that is wonderful. But the journey of healing is not going to end over night. That's my update with that. But the fun is just ahead!! Final Summer Fun, First Days of School, Jakob's Turning 8, and Jakob Will be Baptized!! SO Awesome!! Life is rolling on!

Foto Friday: July 2012

We said farewell to all of our kittens on the 4th of July. They were truly a delight. But it was time to share them with others.
  

The fourth of July started with a Town Siren waking up the townsfolk for the early morning Fireman's breakfast. Leif had surprised me the might before and drove home arriving after the kids were in bed. So we had a heavenly evening together and was not about to wake the kiddos early to go to breakfast. So we let them slowly wake up and went to the parade together. In the meantime we were called to go with the Ambulance to help with a wild fire out on Cedar Mountain. Unfortunately we didn't get to go. But it got us itching to get out of town. So we packed up and went to Alton with family for several days. It was WONDERFUL! No fireworks... But a lot of R&R :)

Some Favorites:

















Ten days later,  I packed the kids up and took them to Flagstaff to visit Leif. One of the roommates in the house moved out and the room was open for two weeks. We rented it and stayed for ten days. It was more then I had hoped for!! It was beautiful! And so fun! The kids spent the first week in a Gymnastics Summer Camp. The second week we visited a lot of parks and met some friends. I also had a dear friend and her family come to visit from Chandler. It was SOO fun to visit after 7 years. Such a great time!! Leif and I celebrated our 9th Wedding Anniversary and we celebrated JJ's 2nd Birthday. It was So Nice to be together as a family!!

A few Favorites:








































WRITTEN THE DAY AFTER GETTING HOME:

Weeerrre Baaack!  We are home from Flagstaff after a wonderful two week getaway.  I didn't blog while I was there. So now I have to try and think back on the highlights. But don't worry, I don't feel like being long winded or writing a travel log. Let's do bullet points instead and see what we come up with.

We put Jakob and Caleb in a Summer Camp at the Flagstaff Gymnastics Center for the first week of our trip. They played all day on gym equipment and went on field trips to the AquaPlex for swimming and the Bearizona Animal Sanctuary. They had so much fun that they never wanted to come with me when I picked them up.
We visited several parks and playgrounds while we were there. It was so green and beautiful! The temp was under 90 the whole time. It also rained at some point every day. So we enjoyed blue skies and sunshine as well as some really neat thunder storms.
Leif and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. The kids and I decorated Leif's walls with hearts and love notes and one of Leif's classmates watched all of the boys for us so we could go out together for a few hours. She said the boys were angels. I wondered if she was talking about someone else' kids. She swore she was talking about ours.  Leif and I spent our time together at a book store called Bookmens and out to eat alone at Galaxy Diner. Those are two things that we Never get to do without the chaos of the kids company. It was nice to be together enjoying our hobbies together.
We also celebrated JJ's 2nd Birthday! The party was quick, but quick and to the point is good for 2 year olds.
I was so thrilled to be able to spend some time after 7 years with good friends that we haven't seen in way too long!! We were good friends from Hawaii and we've stayed in touch. It was so fun to get together and feel like our last visit was just the other day. We won't let 7 years go by again before we get together!

My Forever Love: 9 Years and Eternity...

He Truly is my Forever Love! I don't know how to put the music to the slideshow (yet.) So Click on the song (Francesca Battistelli,  Forever Love) and then watch the photos.

What an incredible journey we have had so far! Imagine the possibilities of Eternity...

Foto Friday: June 2012

Every Time I put a Foto Friday together I am reminded that there is so very much joy and smiles amidst the twists and turns in our every day life. June was filled with Sunshine and Kittens. Really, who could ask for more!?

A handful of favorites:

National Nursing Scholarship! - So Blessed!

WOW! I am so proud of my Hubby and his hard work and dedication! It has payed off with an amazing reward of the National Nursing Scholarship!!! This is a tremendous blessing for our family! This is a scholarship awarded to only a select few out of thousands. It is a full ride scholarship with a monthly stipend. The sun really does shine after the storms. So Grateful! Well Done My Love!

Came Home: Fell Flat On My Face!

Wow! I did not expect to still have our Flagstaff trip to write about at this point. But like the title of this post says, I got home and with all seriousness, I fell. And fell Hard!! I woke up Sunday morning in Flag and I felt a scratch in my throat. I knew that was the day I had to pack up and leave. It's a good thing because I had no idea what was hitting me.  And what is now hitting my boys. Anyway, it's some type of bronchitis/cold junk and it's kickin' my butt! Tonight my fever must have broke because it's the first time in three days I haven't felt hateful about my life at the moment. I wish I wasn't so serious about the hateful part. I also wish I could pin all of my problems on the cold that I have. Unfortunately, there's more to it then that.... But what's new?

I wish I were stronger. So strong that I didn't care if my husband is gone. Strong enough to just enjoy the phone calls and the visits we do get together. Strong enough to enjoy the moment and be grateful for the abundance that I have been given. Strong enough to feel the faith that I know is within me. Strong enough to send the adversary and his deceitful whispers down to the depths of darkness that they belong in, rather then the caverns of my ever going thoughts. Strong. Stronger. Strength.

Sometimes, there is a clear choice before us. For some of us, we can mark the moments when we have made the choice. The choice to keep falling, or to get up. For some of us, this choice isn't a one time deal. Some of us have to make it several times within our life time. I think this is one of those times for me.  I Have to get up!

I have to get up because I have three mouths to feed. I have to get up because I have one man who I've promised to love unselfishly. I have to get up because I have three little people who need clean hands and clean faces. I have to get up because I have three future men who need a good example. I have to get up because the dishes will not clean themselves. I have to get up because the cat deserves to eat every day. I have to get up because there are people who believe I can. I have to get up because I promised Him I would. Some how, I just know I made that promise. I Have to Get Up!

I am getting up!