Written January 2022

I have been sick for my children's entire lives. Some of the time, like the present, I am really sick. The "barely get out of bed" kind of sick. When I'm deep in the pit, you better believe that I ponder the peace of Heaven often. But if you haven't walked my path before, you might think that it is reprieve from the illness that I long for. But the truth is, the peace I find my mind creeping towards is a release from the guilt and shame that weighs down my mother heart like a ball and chain trying to drag me to the depths of the ocean. The feeling of deep sadness at the things undone with my children because of my weaknesses. 

Do not feel pity for me. It is the last thing I need. My life is filled with so much goodness and love. And I'm way past expecting someone else to fix our problems.  I only share these very personal feelings simply to let someone who needs to know, that they are not alone in feeling such things. 

In my situation we may be surrounded by people and still feel desperately lonely. So what practical things do we do to keep ourselves from doing anything that would break our loved ones hearts?

Written November/December 2021

 months ago, I was finally able to foster a special needs "Road Dog" through the internationally known bulldog rescue Road Dogs and Rescues based in Southern California. Never did I think he would become our Forever Family Dog.

But, it didn't take long to realize that Stevie (A.K.A Zephyr Sage @roaddogsandrescue) is no ordinary Dog. He is a diaper dog. I usually change his diaper up to three times a day. He had been taught a routine, and he is incredibly patient during the whole process. He is a pleaser and is eager to learn and follow the rules. He has been amazing at his ability to be "nice" while wrestling around with Joshua. And one of the sweetest things is he has been a miracle for solving Caleb's sleep anxiety.

When we saw all that Stevie brought to the table, we had a family discussion. The question at hand was, "Do we REALLY want a Forever family dog? Up to this point, we have only had failed attempts at forever dogs and our Fosters. But Leif and I feel an absolute commitment together, never to have another failed attempt at a forever dog. So this was a very serious decision.

It was interesting to see and hear each family member process the question. Asking themselves whether or not they even enjoyed having dogs around. Or, were willing to consistently take care of the dog. If they wanted a dog forever, what kind of dog? A big dog? Little? Playful? Wise? A Diaper dog? Or one who requires a walk several times a day.

Leif: If the dog is beneficial for any of the kids' Special Needs then, Great! If not, then No.

Lena: If the dog is helpful, comforting, and easily taught, then Yes. And Definitely a Diaper dog.

Jakob: Is functionally allergic to dogs. So he prefers no dog. But if he had to have one he prefers a big smart dog.

Caleb: Wants to be sure that if we had a dog we could still foster. If he glad a dog he would want a playful dog. Stevie would be a great forever dog.

JJ: Doesn't NEED a dog. Because he just got a guinea pig. So he's paying attention to him.

Joshua: Would love a dog. Loves Stevie.

We also talked about some of the reasons that we each didn't like about dogs: Pottying requirements/insistent on stopping to go out. Barking. Not smart/or obedient. Hard to go on vacations. 

So the family concencess was an overall feeling of; if the stars align with our needs, we would enjoy having a Forever Family Dog. We ended 

Written in March/April 2022

Today I had a big cry and a beautiful walk down memory lane. The photos from my mission have been in storage for the last two decades. Leif and I finally pulled them out so we can share them with our boys and start good conversations about mission life and teaching the gospel. 

As I started going through my photos I was overwhelmed with sorrow and anger. My dearest mission companion, Fai' Ana Fotofili died from pneumonia five years ago. We served more then half of my mission together. After I married and started having babies I kind of lost my brain and let my contact with FaiAna become way too infrequent. When I found out that FaiAna passed I was absolutely Devestated! 

FaiAna was my trainer. She had the most incredible laugh. And an amazing sense of humor. 

Written in May 2022

I've learned some things about myself recently. First, I have built walls around myself in order to keep me from crying and/or feeling deep emotion. This means that for many, many, years I have not consistently listened to music that would invoke the Spirit to touch me, talk to me, and most likely cause tears to flow. In my previous lives ( not really😉) I mean in my earlier years, listening to music that brought me to the comfort of my Savior was an every day thing. Just a part of me. 

Why is this? And what have the consequences been? Well, I think the biggest reason is that I have not dared to evoke too much emotion. For fear that I would spiral and not be able to contain it. And Heaven knows I already battle spiraling out of control. Why encourage it? Right. No, I know that's a very unhealthy mindset. But survival mode causes us to do what we feel has to be done. Just to keep the boat afloat. I think the consequence has been a sense of loneliness. Living in a house full of males who all feel emotions in a completely different way then I do can feel isolating as it is. But to then never show them raw sad emotions?... it's just not a healthy way to live.

For many years we almost bragged about Leif's ability to compartmentalize. Split himself into pieces and be who he needed to be, where ever he was at the time. A.K.A. block out certain things in order to keep all of the boats afloat. And he did it very well.

Yeah, that type of coping strategy is a really bad idea that bites you back too.

Now that we are all living a more normal, stable lifestyle, we are being faced with problems that have been festering and only barely tended to. I think we have a new journey in front of us. I don't think it's going to be comfortable. I wonder how it will play out. 

*Have no fear as you read this. Our marriage is secure. That's not where this is leading.*

I'm talking about facing mountains in our lives that we haven't faced completely yet. Basically, there is a monumental mountain in our life together titled the year 2006 that has only grown into different mountains with different trails. That have led to other trails. 

For so many years we have been digging our way forward to get to where we are today with Leif's schooling and career. It has given us the perfect excuse to just buck up, take a pill, or just ignore it, and move for

I had a conversation with my son Caleb today. Caleb has high functioning Autism, ADHD and Anxiety. One of his biggest struggles is to find the words to explain something, let alone getting the words to come out of his mouth making sense.

For a couple of months or more whenever I've asked him how school went he would tell me little things about the drama or sadly, the bullying. But he's also been saying that during the day some things, in his words, "... feel so confused." I've tried to figure out what he means by "confused." Especially since he's been able to get across that there's a spiritual element involved in the confusion. 

Today I found myself able to take on the question and try to understand what in the world was happening inside of him. 

I was able to get from him that the confusion dealt with thoughts and feelings. So with that I tried to figure out if he was dealing with "Intrusive Thoughts." A term used in the psychology world to explain a symptom that often occurs when your body is dealing with a chemical imbalance or other mental health issues. These thoughts will suddenly intrude without warning. Usually extremely negative thoughts or memories, and some people will even hear what seems like a voice(s) telling them random things. He was able to tell me that that was not what he was experiencing. I was grateful. But we still needed to dig further. 

Next, I talked to him about another psychology term called "Flooding." I shared with him that this is actually something that I've experienced for years as a symptom of anxiety. And I have gradually come to realize it for what it is. I explained to him that sometimes I'll randomly remember something, usually a conversation or interaction with  a person that I regret or am embarrassed about. Something that roots in me feeling inferior. I'll have a flood of emotion that quickly comes; rolls through, and for me the words Angry - Sad - Mad - actually sound off in my mind. And then the moment will roll away until the next time. Unresolved but not weighing heavily for very long. He said he could definitely relate to that experience. But that wasn't the "confusion" that we were trying to put words to.

I wish I could remember exactly how it happened, and what he said. But finally as we talked, Caleb was able to say the words he needed to say to help us figure things out. He said that it's not really a chaotic feeling. But happens more when he has choices to make throughout the day.  That he is overwhelmed with confusion on what he should do. What the Right choice is. He said that he couldn't figure out what was his thoughts vs. the Holy Ghost.

I was so thrilled that finally his tongue was loosed and his mind cleared enough to be able to put words to his "confusion." 

The first thing I did was ask him to give me an example. He told me that today he had to quickly make the decision whether to go out and play soccer or to go to the Wellness Center to relax and check on a friend. He chose to go play soccer and ended up getting a ball thrown at his back. Sadly, something that has happened in the past. 

Now for the lesson: He and I named it "The Tool Belt" analogy.  The first thing I cleared up and helped him understand was that the Holy Ghost isn't going to tell you what to eat for breakfast. Meaning, God wants us to learn to make our own decisions. Next, I gave him a formula to follow to help him make decisions. Something to put in his tool belt to help during the day.  Mind you, people with autism often need a plan. A rule to follow. I told him to pull from past experiences as often as possible. So, with soccer, he can think back and ask himself what percentage of the time he Loves playing soccer at school. How often does he feel light, joy, and illumination while playing. Then compare that answer with the opposite choice. And obviously, the best decision is to Choose Light. Because Light is from God. 

This conversation seems so simple as I read over what I've written. It proves how hard it is for kids with special needs to make sense of this crazy world. And also, how hard it is for us to help these precious ones to reach their potential. I'm so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives me a foundation to pull from as I try to guide my children. I would feel so lost without Him. ☀️

Today, I'm Grateful to say that my doctor was kind when I requested a prescription of Lamictal for Bipolar II Disorder. I was worried that he would make me wait until Psych could get me in. But instead, he asked for a clarification of my diagnosis from the past and my past and present symptoms of the disorder. He then confirmed with Psych that he could write the script and that I would follow up as soon as they can get me in. 

I knelt down today, and prayed to my Father in Heaven that this medication and other services that Psych can offer will be life changing for me and for my family.  I pled for His blessing on my desire to care for my family  steadily. Without bad days, weeks, or months breaking up any progress that is made.

I know that He hears my prayers and will do what is best. And that He is with us come what may. But I do have a good feeling about the future. 

Psych Help In California

Did you know that during the 3 years of living in California that I have been turned down for psych services at least 6 times! SIX Times!!! If I were suicidal, I would be dead right now. And I wish that was a joke. It's far from a joking matter! 

I have reached out all of these different times so that I could get a prescription for the proper medication and possibly some counseling. Or even better, a series of EMDR treatments. 

Why have I been turned away, you ask? Because my case is too complicated for their "specialized services." In other words, the doctors have deliberately chosen to go the easy route in psych services. My case requires navigating through medical issues as well as psych issues. 

It blows me away that in a field so vital, it is By Far the hardest field in the medical world to navigate. In the first place, multiple phone calls are required to even begin the process of getting help. And that right there folks, is a HUGE issue for someone with fragile mental health. Making a phone call that actually requires you to speak to a person AND answer questions sensibly, is comparable to trying to eat an elephant. It's pretty much impossible.

And the couple of times I gathered my strength and follow through to sign up online for online therapy, I was denied service because my case is too complicated. 

Have no fear for me though, my story is about to get better, I hope!! I made the two different phone calls through our insurance to get an appointment, assured them that yes, indeed our guns are locked up. And no, I am not feeling suicidal or homicidal. And finally, it was arranged for me to have an Evaluation appointment in TWELVE DAYS from now. Lol! 🤣🤣🤣 Do you know what can evolve in two weeks time when someone's mental health is in a fluid state. A Lot can happen. But, again, all will be well. I'm pretty accustomed to riding these waves. "Baby Steps." "Baby Steps." 😉😉😉 #whataboutbobjoke

Pray for our future leadership

Today I watched the first episode of the documentary series called WWII IN COLOR ROAD TO VICTORY. As I listened to the story of Winston Churchill and the miracle of Dunkirk, my mind naturally reflected on the current war. Which I believe is only the beginning of a greater war. 

First, I reflected on the current troop numbers in the current war. And the total casualties up to now. Not to demean them in any way; but the number of troops gathered at Dunkirk and the number of casualties they had up to that point is unfathomable to us in this generation. We're talking, half a MILLION troops, killed in only the beginning of the war. That is something I pray that we won't have face again.

The next thing that came to me was the two types of leadership that were working on laying out a plan that they each thought was the right path. Halifax, ready to surrender and have "peace talks" which very likely would not ultimately bring peace to the lives of the Britain's. And then Churchhill, the believer and the Never Surrender leader who inspired the nation to press forward to Victory. 

We have two years until the United States holds their next presidential election. My overwhelming feeling is that our nation needs to become united in prayer in preparation for that election. Not praying for a certain person or party. But specifically praying that through the inspired election process and the freedom for the people to choose, simply pray that God will place to leader whose destiny it is to lead our country with honor, intelligence, wisdom gained through experience, courage, and determination.

I Pray

I turned off the news for a couple of weeks. The pain and heaviness that I felt for the children of Ukraine was too heavy and I could do Nothing but pray for them. I literally had to pray to Father to sever the cord of feeling and empathy I was feeling. So that I could find some peace and step away for a while. He absolutely did that for me. It was a clear difference. Although I did have several dreams about children I was searching for. Trains. Mass destruction and fast and furious retreats. So obviously I still feel something. 

This week Russia pulled out of the North cities that they were devastating for the last month. They're regrouping and going to move to the East. They couldn't take Kiev like they'd hoped. But the absolute horror of what they left behind in the towns is as powerful and as barbaric as the atrocities done during WWII. We're talking executions, mass graves, and the unimaginable; mobile crematorium.

Today the Russian's fired a missile into a train station in the East where people were trying to evaluate before being invaded. Why they've waited until now? Leif and I wonder.🤔 Honestly, today's attack could have been so much worse! I pray none of the trains are taken out. 

My brother Jason has a long distance girlfriend who lives in Odesa in the South. CNN just said that today there were three attacks there. The beginning in that area. I wonder how she and her family are...?

It's all a horrible feeling of helplessness. Not being part of the leadership who make the decisions on how to help. Or, IF to help. It's a horrible feeling. 

I ask myself and God what I can do to help.  The impression I get is that there will be a time in the future when I might be able to physically help. But for now, my charge is to build strong men who can go out and succeed despite the world chaos that they will undoubtedly face. Let alone the fact that they will also have a family to care for. I pray now for their future wife's. I pray that they are being prepared and taught how to remain strong through mighty storms. ... I Pray.

For The Record: Ukraine and Russia Update

Estonian Soldier Reports

24 Months Since the Pandemic Began

This is a well done consolidation of the story within the Pandemic. There is A Lot more that isn't it it. But they did a good job catching a glimps.

24 Months That Changed The World 20/20 Special

2022 Russia Invasion Of Ukraine