Today was the first day in a long time where I felt a lot of

Yep! We Could Use The Help. - Autism Conference

For the last several months Leif and I have been planning on attending the US Autism and Aspergers Association World Conference that will be held in Kansas City this September. Leif even got the days off from work. However, LIFE has happened and it's looking more and more like finances won't allow us to attend.

Today I spent part of the day feeling really bummed about it, and then I started wondering if we really even needed to go. What could they tell us that we didn't already know, right? I mean, we've got three little boys living somewhere on the Autism Spectrum and all with ADD tagging along for the ride. Surely we could probably speak at the conference! (J/K!!!)  No, I really didn't get that sarcastic in my thoughts. But I did slightly start to wonder if we were doing well enough that we could handle not gleaning from the resources offered at the conference...

And then I picked the boys up at the bus stop! HOLY CR**!!! We HAVE to find a way to get to that conference!! We need all the help we can get! I just turn off some of the stress while they're at school I guess and I'm able to breathe, think, and rest... and Forget?  - Crazy!

I know that struggles with Autism and Attention Deficit can be SO much worse then what we deal with. But ours are definitely enough for us at the moment...

Twas the Night Before School Starts

Twas the night before school starts and all through the house, the kids are still wrestling, including the mouse... :) Just kidding, don't worry, I'll stop the poetry. But the kids are still awake. It's so interesting how some nights can be so much harder then others. But I don't want to talk about that ongoing issue again.

Today was a fun day. We unplugged the computer last night so we all had to spend the day basically unplugged. And I felt blessed for the most part. It is especially hard for Caleb to go a full day without playing a computer game. Well, that's an understatement. It's VERY Hard for him to not play. So I knew it might be a hard day. Let's put it this way, I found a pretty sound proof location to lay down the law if need be now that we live in an apartment. The Van. We were riding in the van this morning and Caleb was crying and screeching because he wasn't going to be able to play computer when we got home and I kinda lost it... I yelled back until I coughed. "NO COMPUTER TODAY! NONE! NOTHING!... ..." I think I said it in a way that made it pretty clear that I was serious. :)  He only tried a couple times later in the day to sweeten me up and change my mind. Once he offered to give me some of his money and he even drew me a picture with two flowers on it. :) Tempting! But I held strong.

Today we played Tennis (I think we might get Jakob in to lessons, he really enjoys it.) Today we road bikes and walked on the walking trail. Today the boys got their hair cut at a great salon. They all handled their cuts great and the ladies were so charmed by their cuteness. The boys even got to sit in a massage chair while they had their hair washed. It was so fun!

It is so neat to be together every night for our family bedtime routine. Leif is able to make it home just in time to read scriptures and pray. There is strength in that!! And we are grateful for this blessing. Tonight was a special night for our family. Being the night before school starts Leif was able to give each of the boys a father's Priesthood blessing. I am always Amazed at how calm the boys are when Leif lays his hands on their heads to pronounce a blessing upon them. They sit so still and the feeling in the room is so peaceful and filled with love. It is truly wonderful! We were reminded this year through the blessings that the boys have special angels caring for and protecting them. They have twin sisters who are always watching out for them. This is such a sweet for our family. There is a reason we are here this year. We don't know why. But we have been assured through the spirit that there are specific reasons why were are here now. Truthfully, It is still hard for me to have to send my boys to a new school, Again. I miss everything about Columbian and Everyone we grew to love so much. But I can't deny the fact that we have been reassured time and again that we are in the right place. And so, we will continue to walk forward with Faith.

Tis' the night before school starts and all through the house, the children are Finally sleeping, and even that crazy mouse! ... :)

Yes Robin, Surly Now There Is Laughter In Heaven!

My heart and mind won't let me rest unless I write about the feelings I feel about the death of Robin Williams. I keep pondering what it may have been like when he reached heaven after finalizing his life in such a way. Some feel that he most likely entered into a realm of hell fire and damnation. An instant consequence for his terrible mistake. Most just feel sadness and leave the rest up to God. But I feel like I need to draw it out in a picture some how what I believe may have happened.

Have you ever suffered through a trial so dark and so intense that it changed the very fiber of your being? During this trial were you ever lucky enough to have a long lost friend of the dearest kind stop in for an unexpected visit? And when you open your door to this friend they open their arms wide for you with the most loving compassion humanly possible towards you and they pull you in to a hug and hold you there while you cry and cry. No words spoken. Just a peace and complete understanding surrounding you.

I believe this is what the reunion was like when Robin Williams entered in to Heaven. I believe his reunion has been followed by several other discussions and filled with a remembering of what he had left when he was born to earth and how it all fits together.

I believe there will be decisions made, "judgement". But that is how it will be for all of us. What we must remember is that God is Just. But he is also a Merciful and All Knowing God. There will be proper consequences to all of our sins according to a judge who has Perfect Knowledge of All Things. This alone brings me freedom from judging, and hope in mourning such a sad ending to such a gifted man.

A Lesson From My Children

Back to School Night:

My Thoughts and Feelings: Turn on the LIGHTS!! -  Where is the COLOR!? - Why are the teachers all so OLD!? - If your library is so big, why aren't the shelves FULL of books!? ...

The Boys' Expressions: Mom, this library is HUGE, you've Got to see it! It's Amazing!! - WOW! This gym floor is so nice and shiny, it smells good too. I can't wait to play on it! - Well, it looks like all of the kids are younger then me, so that will be fun! -  LOOK, my teacher has the PERFECT books for me (Civil War and Planet Earth). -  Papa! My teacher's name is Mrs. Harden, she looks like a Grandma! he, he, he. :) - Mom! There will be a lot of kids from the other apartment's on our bus, won't that be GREAT! ...

There is power in allowing our children to clear up our negativity and find the positive when we struggle to find it. There is also power in keeping our mouth's shut and allowing them to only see their innocent perspectives. There is Joy in allowing our children's goodness lead the way! 

How grateful I am for the lesson's my children reminded me of tonight.

ADD and Autism Are Just... Hard!

We went to our new ward today for church. The people were really nice and there was an overall good feeling there the whole day. But truthfully, by the time we got home I was exhausted and in a funk. It's just hard sometimes. It's hard going to new places where no one know us and no one knows our story. Our trials and triumphs. Then again, sometimes that is Really Nice! But that's a subject for another time and another post. :)

I think we all handled the struggles at church really well. JJ refused to eat ANYTHING the entire morning before church and honestly I completely forgot to insist on him eating until we were on our way to church at 1:00 and he was insisting that he was HUNGRY! Poor guy!! Gratefully, he fell asleep 10 minutes into the meeting. Caleb made it through 40 minutes of Sacrament meeting before his little body was ready to get up and MOVE! For the last couple of weeks his struggle has been picking at any sores he has on his skin. And if they aren't sores, he will turn them in to sores. And if it's not his nose, a sore, or a freckle;  it's his belly button. Sometimes we have to cover his belly button with a band aid to prevent an infection.  Well, today he started picking during the Sacrament meeting. And when I checked him in primary he was still twisting his skin and picking at it.

Right now, We're having bedtime battles with JJ and Caleb. JJ can't sleep because he napped through church. Caleb's not sleeping because his body won't let him. So far he has been caught searching the apartment for lost money, and emptying the fridge and making himself a snack. And he acts completely unaware that these things are a problem until we are seriously angry. We've followed the same bedtime routine that we've followed forever. But within the last year there are nights when we just can't win. We'll find him doing strange things throughout the night unless we stay right with him all night. He's unpacked boxes, climbed up to shelves in closets and accidentally dumped them, and he's made all kinds of food throughout the night. Sigh... In fact, I have to stop writing so I can go take care of the current struggle. It often feels like I am Constantly on the run!

The End of a Chapter - The Beginning of a New

And thus ends another chapter in the L&L Baron family story. We are officially moved out of the ranch House and in to an apartment in Willard/Springfield. Today as we drove away from the Ranch I was hit with the reality of this change. I thought about how JJ had run strait for the dirt pile when we stopped at the ranch this evening and what it felt like to call him away to get in the car, knowing that it will be a while until he can sink his little hands into the dirt again. I pondered the serenity and beauty that is endless around the Ranch. For some reason we just can't feel that at the apartment complex. ;) We will miss living on the Ranch! Nothing will compare to the precious gift this last year has been. There have been Many challenges. But there have been oh so many wonderful lessons and once in a lifetime experiences.

We have spent the last week with Grandma and Grandpa Baron and Erik, Stacey, and Victoria Baron. They made the long journey to spend a week with us here in MO. It was not really part of the original plan to have their visit overlap our moving days. In many ways I feel bad that it happened that way. It took time away from the time that we could have been playing. But I am also overwhelmed with gratitude for their love and support. They helped us in so many ways. Truthfully, we Never would have reached our goal to be moved out before the kids start school if it weren't for their help and the help that my parents, church members, and friends have given as well.

While the family was in town we spent a lot of the time just like ol' times, tinkering around fixing odds and ends (Big and Small), visiting, eating, and shopping. We also made time to spend a few days playing hard. We managed to work out the schedule so we could get my family together with Leif's family and have two BBQ's at the Ranch, one which included night games and dutch oven. Another afternoon we went to Joplin Falls and swam in the river. We also went to Silver Dollar City and had a wonderful time and came home Exhausted!! Caleb experienced his first roller coaster ride. He went on Thunderation. He LOVED It!!! We were so thrilled to see his excitement and pride afterward. One of the nights everyone except the little boys and I went on a haunted castle tour. They had a good time until the end when Jakob suddenly Passed Out flat! He had gotten overheated and excited and passed out and then vomited to add more excitement to the experience. Everyone came home pretty shook up. :(  And today before Leif took everyone to the airport we all went to Bass Pro Shops. We had a fun time walking through the shops and museums. It was a great way to end our time together. We're already trying to plan the next time we'll be together...

The boys start school next week. They are excited. I am looking forward to the way school helps them in general. But I feel nervous and hopeful about the upcoming weeks as we get to know teachers and the school and find out how the overall dynamic will be for that part of our life. We will also go to our new ward for church tomorrow. We have heard many good things about church and the school. So I am praying that all will go smooth enough to find the peace that is to be found.

I have set a goal to write again. It has been a year since I've written regularly. It is time to write again... so, here's to the amazing chapter that is ending and to the new chapter that is just beginning.

A Small Description of My Shoes, and How it Feels to Walk in Them

Every once in a while I need to take a minute to remind myself what causes my physical ailments to, and to find he words to explain how it feels to walk with them.

I have three separate conditions that seem to intertwine themselves at times and make the overall outcome beyond description.

First, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS is caused by the Epstein Barr Virus that lays dormant in my system and flares at times and rages at others. Epstein Barr Virus is the Virus that causes Mono. So in essence, you could think of this "syndrome" as an endless case of Mono without the contagious factor added to it.

Second, I have a Mystery Condition that at times is classified as Fibromyalgia. But more often is classified as an unknown Auto Immune Disease. It most often shows it's symptoms within my Joints, my Gut, or in my Brain.

Third, I have a lovely case of Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. This is somewhat the result of genetics and most often inflamed by the stress and frustration of the first two conditions previously discussed.

Sometimes I am able to wrap all of these conditions up nicely and carry them in an invisible "backpack". that isn't noticed by those around me and is easily managed by myself and my family. Other times these conditions creep out and become a monster of their own that takes over my every day life and functioning. When this happens life can feel so overwhelming I can hardly breathe.

That is how I feel at this very moment.

But feeling like this is absolutely not an option for very long. Minutes... Maybe hours... And then I must pull myself together. Call upon the Powers of Heaven and force myself to take the steps that must be taken to perform the tasks and chores that must be done to keep the boat afloat.

Good Things Have Come! - Help for ADD

We have truly witnessed life changing "Good Things" this past week. If you read my previous blog post titled "Just Keep Walking - There are Good Things to Come" then you will know what I mean when I say, "Good Things."

The discovery that was made this past week was a long walk in coming. We finally found a doctor who would LISTEN to us as parents and also to our boys' teachers AND observe the boys, Before slapping a diagnosis on the boys that would label them wrong forever. The final diagnosis is Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder more on the Aspergers Syndrome side of The Spectrum.

This diagnosis was not really a surprise to us at this point. We have been trying to cope and endure for years. However, we had become increasingly vigilant in finding medical help for Caleb because it was starting to take away from his "best self."

 So without further explanation I will sing praise for the latest "Good Thing" that has come in to our lives!!!  The boys started medication for their ADD this last week. After one day of obvious side effects, we cut their doses in half and our lives changed forever....

I have found myself just watching and listening to Caleb in awe this week. He has never been able to speak his thoughts and feelings so fluidly. Until this week I had NEVER EVER been able to hear about his day at school from his own mouth. Never been able to hear about what he did and didn't like from the lunch menu. We have never had so many still and calm snuggle moments with Caleb. Leif put it perfectly when he said, "He's Back."  It still brings us to tears sometimes.

Jakob's changes are less dramatic but still life changing. He is able to handle the stress and noise from his brothers better. He says that he it helps him at school. He just seems more at peace. Able to focus on one thing at a time and enjoy life more. It's truly amazing!

Just Keep Walking - There are Good Things to Come!

My heart is full tonight. I wonder what will spill out onto this as I write...

I have been working on a photo project this week. I'm trying to find just the right photos to make in to canvas prints to hang on our living room walls. We already have one large canvas print of two of our children... An artist at a photo shop gave us a canvas painting of our girls just after their funeral. It used to hang on our living room wall in Fredonia. We haven't hung it up here... We pulled out the smaller version of the painting and display it with their cabinet... So often I feel like they are a dream. Like something that happened so long ago that know one remembers except for my body...

This week I have been in bed a huge portion of every day. So incredibly tired. SO So Tired. Not the yawn, I need a nap tired. The bat crazy - pull my hair out - fatigue that could easily drive me insane kind of tired. I have been relived that there hasn't been pain that came with this fatigue... Until noon today. PAIN. Radiating pain. From the inside out to my skin.

Last night I started on Jakob's baby pictures. Year after year and then I moved on to Caleb's and to JJ's. The difference was so clear. The different person that I was when Jakob was born.  And the "new" me when Caleb was born. And all of the loss and heartache within that span of years.  Leif looks different too. There is a little less adventure and innocence in our smiles. I little more flicker of reality in our eyes.

I read an article today about a woman who lost her husband suddenly and was left a widow with 4 young children. She talked about how at the loss of her husband she felt sure that she had experienced "the Big trial." The one that would define her life and teach her all that she needed to learn in life. She then went on to say that it didn't take long to realize that the hardships of life don't stop coming just because we've experienced a tragedy.  Life does go on and trials do continue.  I felt a kinship with this woman and her realization.  I have pondered this deeply albeit subconsciously this week.

Our boys were officially diagnosed this week with Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I've caught myself thinking about our girls and the fact that if they would have survived they would have struggled with serious health issues and possible brain damage. Today I found myself pondering the fact that God, our Father, must really know our limits. I don't really like thinking that I have a limit line. But I think we must, and He knows them. And for this, I must be grateful.

I must be grateful that my girls were spared the hardships of this earth life that can be so hard! I must be grateful for all that is so good in my life through the every day hard core grind of life, I must shout praises for all that is good. Otherwise, they will become swallowed up in the fatigue, pain, tears, ADD, ASD, and LIFE.

There used to be a time when I wrote my praises down on a daily basis. I feel sad that I don't do that anymore. I heard a song on the radio the other day and the words spoke to me and reminded me of my sincerest prayer:

Let them see You in me let them hear You when I speak
Let them feel You when I sing
Let them see You, let them see You in me

Who am I with out Your grace, another smile another face
Another breath a grain of sand passing quickly through Your hand
I give my life an offering take it all take everything - JJ Weeks Band

A strong and brave woman asked me how to overcome the enveloping struggle of chronic illness, depression, or heartache.  I took days to write her back my answer because it felt so flat and not profound enough. But it is what it is, and sometimes it is all we can do. My answer was "You just keep walking!" Step by step, hour by hour, day by day, week, month, year by year. You just keep walking! And as you walk you keep your eye out and heart open for the Good Things to Come. Because I promise you, they will!!"

If there is ONE thing that I have learned from all of the storms of my short life, it is that we are truly in the midst of angels. Whether they are from Heaven or on earth, we are never alone. Our Father in Heaven is real and He does not leave us to walk alone. Truly, there are good things to come!

JJ's First Day of Preschool

My baby started Preschool this week. He LOVES it! 

Ms. Sam and JJ

CHOICES and JOURNEY'S

I can't believe it's FEBRUARY! At this rate, Summer vacation is right around the corner!! WOW!

Well, we're kinda sick around here right now. :( JJ has a stomach bug and I'm in the middle of a Fibromyalgia flare. I've slept hours and hours and I still feel drained and the hit by a truck pain. Uggg! But I'm grateful to be able to feel a difference now days between my normal strength and well being and the flare ups. Gotta find the good... It's the only way to survive the waves of life!

HOME and WORK
There's a lot happening behind the scenes these days. We got notice that the Sleep Room that Leif has been using in the hospital will be turned in to a Breastfeeding Room for the nurses who need it. This is a Big Deal time wise and financially for us. Leif has slept at the hospital at least half of the days he works each week. So to have to commute Every Day will be Huge! So we have to move forward with deciding our future plans.

FIRST: We will need to find a place for Leif to stay as we make decisions. A room somewhere...

CHOICES:
A) Stay in Carthage and switch to Freeman Hospital.
B) Find a home closer to Springfield and move.
C) Rent a Home closer to Springfield while we decide what to do.

KIDS
It's not a secret that we've been searching for help and answers about our boys' struggles. It's still been a really long journey to get the right help and answers. We've narrowed a couple of things down this week. First, Caleb's MRI showed no signs of Seizures. So that it good! But it didn't really give us any answers about what he IS struggling with. So we're still pluggin' along to narrow things down with a good answer. We had one doc tell us that he though Caleb had ODD (Oppositional  Defiance Disorder.)  After discussing this with each other and with the teachers that work with him on a daily basis we all concluded that was a very wrong diagnosis. :( So that was an expensive disappointment. However, We've made some progress with JJ. He has been accepted into the Carthage Early Childhood Special Education Preschool.  After several meetings and evaluations they determined that JJ does in fact struggle with Sensory Processing Disorder and Developmental Delay in certain areas of development. So he will be able to start that as soon as we are ready for him to start. He will LOVE this!! I will miss him!:( But I can use all of the help I can get with any of my boys. It is a blessing!!  Next week we'll be meeting with a new Pediatrician and I'll be giving her a write up about Caleb's struggles as well as a DVD that shows some home videos of different good, bad, and ugly, scenarios.  I will do the same thing with the other boys for their appointments. It's just too hard to fit everything in to one appointment. So I've decided to write it down.... We'll see how it goes.

So that's how things look on the home front heading in to February!