Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Life is Good: Day 1! Pre-Delivery Thoughts

Everyone is napping. I need to save my sleepiness until tonight. No sleep meds as of two days ago. First night was tough. Ambian does have withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety and shortness of breath being what I experienced. However, I was thrilled at how well I slept last night. No real battle. So I'm hoping for that again.

This post is going to be full of ramblings. So if you are in a hurry, don't feel bad if you don't finish reading;)

So I deliver this little one tomorrow. It's funny, I know he's technically big, but in my mind, I call him Little One. Which leads me to one of thought processes that roles around in my head occasionally throughout the day. Why haven't I decided on a name for this baby? We have had every baby named months before their delivery, except for this one. To everyone else, it seems like one of those "no big deal" things. It happens all the time. But in my deeper thoughts, it scares me.


This leads me to bring up my fears. I hate admitting that I have fears. I tell myself they're not fears, they're, "concerns." But they're fears. My biggest fear? That something is wrong. Or that something is going to go wrong. It's just a feeling. It's not a prompting (I seriously hope that!) It's just a fear. You know why? Because I know wrong. I know the shock of having things go horribly wrong within minutes and having no control. At this point in a pregnancy, all I want is to have the baby on the outside. After this long, the thought of losing the baby is a very real fear. I just want him out so I can take care of him. It just comes with the territory of having lost babies before and watching friends got through it too. It's time to be postpartum!

What else am I "concerned" about? The surgery. I just don't want to have the baby like that. with the twins' c-section, everything was such a blur, I had no time to think about what was happening other then trying to save Rhea. This time, I've had time, and I really don't like the picture in my mind. So un-natural. Not that being induced is natural. But in the end, the process is more natural and it just feels right. I know that I need to have this c-section. I have to conclude that it's the will of the Lord. Because believe me, I have prayed for a different outcome. And I have done ALL that I can to progress into labor and dilation. And it just hasn't happened. I put it in the Lord's hands, and this is the outcome. So I will accept it. Soon it will be in the past. But until then, I'm still nervous and bummed.

What else? Caleb. He is clueless that tomorrow marks the day that he is no longer the baby. We have tried to make big changes gradually. Like moving him out of the nursery last month so he has had time to make the connection. That has gone well. I honestly don't think it's going to be a big jealousy issue when it comes to me and the baby. Because he hasn't been able to comfortably snuggle with me for a while. There's no room on my lap. But the issue I'm afraid of is, Things. Things like the swing, the bassinet, the nursery, the rocking chair. Anything that is technically the baby's. I'm anticipating conflict. For example, we brought out the baby bassinet and he curiously came to it, and as I talked about it being a bed for the baby, he promptly grabbed his blanket and crawled in. Normal, and anticipated. Just not fun. We have intentionally Not set up the baby swing yet, and won't until I'm in the hospital. Because that will have to be the one thing that Caleb just can't play with or associate as "his." Wish us luck!

School. It would be a nightmare if I didn't pass my Intro to Literature class. A possibility? Possible. But Oh how I hope not. Why is it so huge? I would have to pay back financial aid. NOT a good thing!!

So as you can sense, this Mama is kind of running on empty. Gratefully, the rest of the family and friend's are expressing the joy and excitement that I feel underneath all of these emotions. Leif seems really excited, he calls out the "news" occasionally throughout the day, "SOON we will have the baby!" (something like that.) And Jakob is VERY EXCITED and takes the job as a big brother Very seriously. He gets that instinct from me. Ha has been very tender-hearted lately and helpful. He's been known to actually Tell me that he loves me very much. That doesn't happen very often. He is more of a hugger and helper. I have definitely been grateful for his extra cooperation.

Soon, all of this fears will be in the past. Soon I will hold this Little One and we will give him a name. Don't be surprised if it's a long one;) Soon, I will have other "concerns" to take up my brain space. SOON! SOON! SOON! And it is ALL GOOD!


Molly said...

I was coming to check on you and wish you luck in everything tomorrow. It hope it all goes smoothly. I was looking at my calendar and realized my sister's son's birthday is tomorrow too. I'll have two nephews sharing a birthday, so great! Take care, relax, and have someone in the family call when Little One is born. I know about the name thing, we didn't decide on our 4th and 5th names until the very end.

We love you all!

Unknown said...

Good luck tomorrow!! Can't wait to see pictures! Maybe you need to see his face before deciding on a name:). We are the opposite, we have names picked out waaaayyy to early! Love ya!

Faith 'n Family said...

Thinking of you and your "little" one today. :)

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